less than zero

Nine

I couldn't save you 

from my darkest truth of all

As he had promised, Nolan woke Zia up when they got to the exit of the highway. He wasn't familiar with the area, and he for sure did not know where in specific her house is, so he had to sacrifice the sight of the pretty girl sleeping on his shoulder for her own comfort.

"Z, rumah lo kemana?"

She was disoriented—like any other person being asked a question as soon as they woke up, and Nolan sensed that she probably was also a bit embarrassed about how well she slept. He made no response, keeping a straight face to not make her feel bad about herself.

"Um..." Zia looked around. "Itu di depan, belok kiri. Nanti lurus terus aja, ikutin jalannya."

Nolan didn't have to repeat her. In a small space that is his car, he was sure Pak Salman heard what Zia said. 

"That was fast," she commented. "Sorry, gue keenakan tidurnya. Semalem begadang."

He only smiled.

That was fast, indeed. Even though Nolan had told her to sleep, he wished he could have a few more words with her. A little talk, perhaps mentioning about what she had asked of him; to not replace her.

What does that mean? He wonders. But he doesn't want to push her. Maybe eventually, she'll come around.

Jema had said he's a dumbass for that; for waiting for Zia to come around. Because he did once, and she didn't do it. If it hadn't been for the funny coincidence today where they sat next to each other in the plane, he wouldn't even be in one room with her.

"Itu ke kiri, pak. Yang gerbang itu, Mediterania. Bilang mau ke rumah Bu Maryam."

Her voice broke his train of thoughts. So close. Too close. He had to say something.

He didn't. 

At least, not until the car stopped in front of a house with a big driveway. Two cars were parked in the garage, and she scowled. "Katanya gak bisa jemput. Bilang aja males."

Nolan giggled, earning himself a mean look from Zia. He threw her a peace sign, and opened his side of the car door to send her home at last.

Pak Salman did all the work for her luggage, which Nolan kind of regretted, even if he was aware that was his driver's job. On his defense, he was too entertained with Zia's constantly confused face, not knowing what to do. He could guess she never got used to people doing things for her since the start of their meeting. She is obnoxious in her own quirky ways, but never arrogant.

"Z," Nolan called, distracting her from Pak Salman's work. "Your parents home?"

Zia looked at her house. The front door is still sealed shut, no sign of welcoming her. "Kayaknya. Mobil lengkap, sih. Why?"

"Do you think they'd mind if I take a little more of your time?" He asks. "Just a few minutes. I know you've been away—"

Zia did a little run to his side. "What? My parents don't give a fuck about me."

Nolan couldn't explain why, but his heart skipped a beat when she stopped next to him, close enough for him to see the bright gleam of curiosity in her eyes. Other than making his heart skip a beat, it also made him mute, not knowing what to say.

Zia, confused with his silence, furrowed her brows and looked at him even deeper. "Nolan?"

"Yes," he said all of sudden, saying the only thing he could muster at the moment as a respond. "Maksudnya, itu, um—"

"Katanya mau Gocar?"

An extra time to think about what he wanted to say was given to him through the presence of an older lady opening the gates of their house. By a rough guess, Nolan would say the woman is in her late thirties, and is probably Zia's mother by the looks of it. She has Zia's nose and jaw. And thick, jet black hair.

"Tadinya, tapi jadinya dianter," Zia still didn't leave Nolan's side, which slightly made the guy sweat, scared that her mom would start making a deal out of the close proximity he had with Zia.

Turns out, just as Zia said, the woman didn't care. "Temen?"

Zia looked back and forth between Nolan and her mom, unsure of what to say, and somewhat saying that he wants Nolan to answer that instead of her, even if he was equally confused.

He swallowed. "Iya, tante."

"Namanya Nolan," Zia cuts in, perhaps trying to avoid more questions about who he is. "Ketemu di kampus. Ma masuk dulu, dong. Nanti aja ngobrolnya. Nolan mau ngomong sama aku dulu."

Her tactics seem to be working, if she was intending to distract her mom from asking questions about who Nolan is. "Kok kamu ngusir?"

Seemingly not scared because they were used to communicating like friends, Zia then continued insisting for her mom to leave, doing the job herself by leaving Nolan's side and pushing her mom until the woman disappeared from sight, and then managed a good sigh.

She then walked again to stand next to him, the same gleam of curiosity that disappeared for a while showing again. "Tadi kenapa?"

Nolan is now ready to answer.  "There's something I have to ask."

"Yes?"

"About what you said before we took off," Nolan started carefully. "The replacement thing. What does it mean?"

Zia's curiosity died down, and in its place, contemplation showed up like soot from a fire that had just been blown out. Nolan felt a little bad about it, but he knew that he deserved at least an answer of what he asked.

He had already lost once. He's not planning to do that again.

The girl in front of him finally found her answer, but she was looking down as she mumbled it.

Nolan didn't like that. No matter what her answer is, regardless or not it will hurt him, he doesn't like seeing her being unsure. If she was going to break his heart, whether for the second, third, or fourth, he'd rather she doesn't be a coward about it.

Using his fingers, he raised his hand, placed it underneath her chin, and raised her head. "Look up when you're talking to me."

He hadn't meant it to be so commanding, but once it was spoken, he kind of regretted it. Nolan added as an afterthought. "I like it better when you speak with confidence."

Boosted by the said words, Zia spoke, only a tad bit of uncertainty in her voice. She looked at him straight in the eyes. "I'm fucked up in many ways, one of them not knowing what to do with love that goes my way. Can you still love me for that?"

Nolan smiled, his thumb making the littlest movement that is only noticeable to Zia. "Yes."

Then he erased every hesitancy that filled his voice. "Yes, I can."