My supernatural journal

1/4/2022

10:01pm- Haven't updated for a few days due to distractions. Anyway, my therapist bumped up the price to $300 (it was $250) but gives current clients a 25% discount so now I pay $275. Told my mom about the change and she now wants to think about finding a new therapist just so she doesn't have to worry about her millions going dry for my mental health. When I told her how long we've spent just talking about memories and how they might've effected me, she said "I didn't realize your childhood was so bad" I didn't believe she was sincere about it so when she said "I miss you" I looked out the window and didn't answer, didn't even change my facial expression (which I hoped was neutral). I also realized that if my dad had known I'm autistic, he wouldn't have suggested that I join the military (an autistic person is already unfit for soldier life). I also learned that the autistic community isn't allowed to donate eggs/swimmers because the ableist non-autistic people don't want to risk having more autistic citizens in the future. Well according to someone who's IQ is high, genetics plays a tiny role in how someone ends up autistic so it really doesn't matter if we donate or not. Plus some ableist mother thinks autistic is "cured" just because her autistic daughter started masking more. Masking is so toxic especially when you do it for too long, it literally harms your mental state and potentially leads to an identity crisis. All the "warrior moms" saying "I changed my kid's diet, put them in a quiet environment and make them go for barefoot walks in the wilderness. They're doing even better, I saved them" and I'm here like "the sensory misery they must be feeling. They must be trying so hard to keep their cool, I feel so bad for them". Unless you share the brain, you do not know. Expecting us to act like everyone else with no issue is like expecting a plastic bag to boil water the same as a cast iron pot. You can boil water in both but only 1 has a positive outcome. We developed differently and are wired differently therefore we cannot be held to the same standards.

I'm really almost broke but on the bright side, I applied to work for FedEx at one of their package locations. They acknowledge disabled people and that not everyone does phone calls so they made texting an option which I appreciate. I've probably been invited to so many interviews but wouldn't know cz they called instead of texted. I'm legit running the risk of losing car insurance cz the bill is $100 at least and I gotta pay for scheduled service which is $100 and gas is $40. I don't know if I have enough but luckily for gas, I have cash. If I overdraw from my checking account, I'll put in whatever cash my sister gives me and maybe the coins too and hope it pulls me through until I land a job that'll provide. Once I land a well paying job and get a nice flow going, maybe I can then go for moving into my car and just keeping it parked behind the company building that way I won't have to worry about where to park at night and I won't be late to work lol. Service is scheduled for tomorrow and I really hope I can afford it.

-Adri