Mirrors (The Academy)

Chapter 2: Space.

A knock on the door wakes me up.

When I open my eyes this morning, I feel like dying. My eyes feel swollen and my body feels heavy, like when I catch the flu. It's the way you feel when you've cried yourself to sleep.

"Sang? Are you awake?" Nathan's voice comes from behind the door.

I sit up on my bed, my back against the wall. I sigh, knowing I cannot push this off much longer; otherwise North would come here and tear down the door.

"Come in."

After a few seconds, the door opens slowly, revealing a sleepless Nathan. He looks completely destroyed.

"Sang."

He stands there, looking at me like he's hungry and I'm some kind of pastry. I don't say anything, I just wait. He comes to me and sits next to me in the bed, raising a hand to touch my cheeks.

"We need to talk about this, Sang. Eventually."

"I know. I'm so mad at you all"

He closes his eyes and sighs. "I know, Peanut"

"I don't wanna be that girl again, Honey"

He raises an eyebrow, confused.  "What are you talking about, Peanut?"

"The girl I used to be when you met me: naive and afraid of the world, afraid of being alone. I thought I was done with her, Nathan. It's been two years, I'm almost a member in the Academy.  I'm with you all. I thought I was finally clear. I thought I was done. But you keep doing this: You keep telling half-truths and expecting me to believe them, you hide things from me even when I pour my heart into you guys. You make me feel like her again. You make me feel afraid of being alone again, you make me feel insecure, and you make me cry," I pause. "I know after going through all we've been through I should feel happy because now I get to have my nine loves, but... I don't think I'm happy anymore"

Nathan sobs. He hides his face in my shoulder, breathing hard.  "We are so sorry, Sang.  Love, we never meant for you to feel this way."

"I know." I say, but I don't think knowing they're sorry is enough for me anymore.

"Don't leave us. We love you. We'll fix it. Please."

"Nathan."

Maybe that's what makes it worse - because all this time whenever we've fought - I would always let them know that no matter how mad I was at them or them at me, I would always love them and I would never leave. I still don't think otherwise, but I cannot make the words leave my mouth.

I feel the doubt.

I run my fingers in Nathan's reddish-brown hair, trying to fix him somehow. After a few seconds, I hear the front door slamming open. Nathan and I exchange looks, and when I look at the door again, my boys are coming in the room, looking as bad as Nathan. It's the way I know they've been listening this whole time through the cameras. And North has bags under his eyes because I know, on the inside, he spent all night watching me sleep.