When Niall Realised He Loved Shawn

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Hours left...

Hey. Umm... Yeah. Your wedding is close. And I'm scared. When I say close, I mean tomorrow. It's pretty hard to believe.

I've been so stupid. I swear I fucking hate myself. This is one mistake I'm never going to forgive myself for. And I've made a lot of mistakes. I'm human, it's expected but this? Losing you? Don't know how you could ever have loved me in the first place lol, I'm a wreck. But please... Please see how much of a wreck I am and come kiss my forehead. If you don't I swear I'll... Shawnie please don't do this. Please? I'm begging you, baby, I can't lose you. Not like this. I never even told you that I... And now I'll never get to.

I've been so trashy the past months. But hey, I will say this. I'm sorry I tried to get you to cheat on her. I'm talking about when you came by that day. Kissed my forehead. I was too embarrassed to include how I tried to drag you to stay with me, to kiss me, in one of the note from that day. I begged you to touch me. But you wouldn't do that. I was drunk so I bet the thought didn't even cross your mind. You just took care of me. You're such a good person. How tf did I say no to you?

She's a nice person, too. I wish she was a bitch so I could hate her for a reason but nope. It got harder to reply you earlier when you told me you had a girl. We didn't lose contact, I could never but we lost... Us. Then some hours after the wedding announcement, Camila sent me a dm to reach out cos you missed me. And that's how we got texting and you asked me to be best man. She's a good one, isn't she? She might not have done that if she knew I'd try to fuck her future husband later on lol but oh well. I still don't get why tf I was chosen as ur best man. Must be the universe giving me the finger for being a dick to you. It only used you as a medium to inflict karma damage on me. Deserved, of course.

I've been trying more, these days. To pretend. But you know me, Shawn. You know me. I can't keep things in and I've never been the type. It's not in my nature. I come from a no-bullshitting type of family. Ah, yeah. Family. Forgot to tell you how it hit me that I love you. Not too long before you proposed to your then gf, I was back home. Avoiding possibly bumping into ya in the U.S, pretty much. Spent time with each of the boys, with my brothers, with my parents...

Mum's always been the best at catching when I'm not doing well. I swear, no matter how well I act, that woman can detect every emotion. So you can imagine my shock, though, when she asked me if this was about you. Obviously, I was confused. Cos it was but how tf would she know that, right? Then she told me after all the times I'd talked about you, she'd followed you on Instagram. You had no idea. And anyway, she'd seen the pictures of you and your bride-to-be.

I got defensive really quick. I think I did that cos it hit me that this woman was the one person who could give me the answer I already knew at the back of my mind to a question I was too scared to ask. She watched me prattle on about how I was happy for you and then she said some words that kind of changed the game. Said that she and my dad used to look at each other like that in the beginning. They're divorced now but still, lol..

I just about ran from that conversation. She didn't stop me, she just let out this sad sigh. Like she knew I was going to go through it and felt bad for me. But I just wanted to forget she ever said that so I fell asleep. And there you were, angel. You found your way into my sleeptime films, not for the first nor last time.

Do you want to know when I really have to suck in a breath and control myself from every feeling and thought? When one of us would stay over at the other's. Waking up with you. Every morning, either you'd be cooking or I would. But I'll always prefer the mornings where I wake up first cos as much as I love watching you work, baby, let's just say it's nothing compared to how fucking ethereal you look when you sleep. You really are not from this planet and you deserve to be on a better one but well, we had to meet, didn't we?

Every time I wake up before you, I just lay there, staring. At every pore, at your parted lips, at your messy fucking hair... At you. Mornings spent with you made me feel content. At peace. Because it was like you were mine, I was yours and nothing else mattered in the world but that. Once both of us were up, we'd tease and flirt in the silence and maybe whoever woke up later might get up and help with prepping the food but I never liked when you'd come to help me. I wanted you in that peaceful state forever. I hate seeing you anxious and I hate seeing you cry. I want it to always be like the mornings, like in that dream, where the world is quiet and wonderful and you smile at me like I made it so.

I could've guessed you loved me. There were hints everywhere, I suppose. The way you looked at me, sometimes... The way I'd flirt a bit too hard and you wouldn't be able to control your blush. The way you always got worried when I drink, despite the fact that my Irish blood makes your American shit a joke, really. It's the way you took care of me and paid extra attention to me, no matter where we were. You made me feel special. And I took that for granted because I guess I thought it would last forever. Guess I'm the more naïve one of us both, huh? God,

I miss the mornings with you the most. In our own quiet little Shiall world. Imagine if I got to call you my husband on those mornings. I bet you'd get so flustered at it the first weeks after our marriage. Imagine if I got to kiss your shoulder, your neck, your beautiful lips while we got things ready for breakfast, together. All I can do is imagine, now and nothing more.

Do you share those mornings with Camila? Does she wake up snuggled next to you? Do you kiss like I always wanted to do but repressed, pinned down as intrusive thoughts of my pansexual brain? Do you two kiss so hard that you can't help but start touching? Have you ever thought of me while you two fuck? Why do I want you to? Why do I want you to have so bad?

I should've been able to tell you loved me but surely, you could've told me how desperately in love with you I was. At that golf court, when I was spewing shit, do you think if you kissed me, I wouldn't have kissed you back? Or did I hurt you too much?

But seriously, Shawn. Did you never notice how I looked at you? Some mornings, you would wake up and catch me staring. And you'd smile at me. Did you think I was just being friendly? Some days we got so drunk we'd end up getting a little touchy, not nearly as much as I wanted and I do remember moaning out that you were beautiful while you left a hickey on my neck with your desperate to please mouth. You just smiled at me, secretive, shy. Did you not see it? Or did you not allow yourself to see it? God, Shawn, how dare you have low self-esteem when you are a fucking god? How dare you think, even for a second that anyone who knows you long enough could ever not fall for you?

I should sleep. Yeah? You'd want me to get some sleep. I'm meant to be there for your wedding tomorrow after all, right? After that dream, I ran straight for my mother, woke her up from what seemed like a very peaceful slumber and in the quiet of the night, I first admitted out loud that I loved you. Then I did it again and again, crying all the while. You've left an empty hole in my heart that I don't know how to fill. When does the pain stop? Alcohol doesn't help for shit but it tastes familiar so I keep drinking it, acting like it's taking the pain away. When do I get to feel truly happy, again without you, Shawn?

I'm sorry I rejected you. I'm sorry I missed out on kissing you so many times. I'm sorry it took me so long to realise that I love you. I'm sorry for being a dunce. I'm sorry I can't be happy for you. I'm not even sure how I'm going to pretend I am cos it's one things texting all my friends that I'm alright and trying to keep the energy, it's another to have all those people around me but really, I'm talking about you. It's another to be right next to you and fake it. You're going to see the sadness. The empty. The pain. But I'll never tell you why. I have to leave you to be happy. Then, after that, I can run back to Europe and leave you to enjoy your bliss with your new spouse. Forget I ever existed and all that.

Good night, Shawn. I'll see you tomorrow. And I love you. So much it hurts. It hurts like a bitch. I'm sorry we never got to be together, even for a little while. Maybe in another life. Another timeline? Another reality, perhaps? Damn, I'm fucking drunk.

Welp, my writing has been mediocre at best but one last chapter and it's over~

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