More to You ✔

Chapter 38 - Guilt (Maria)

The guilt sword drove deeper into her gut. She needed to tell him about Mitch, but he spoke before she could.

"I'm trying not to project that to you. Your ex did that so often that you're probably just starting not to question most of your interactions with other men."

Perhaps he was right, and she was reading too much into the situation with Mitch. They were friends, and beyond teasing her about Tom, Mitch had mostly stopped flirting with her. He kept telling her Tom was good for her. Although he'd said he loved the new Maria, it was likely the way a friend would love another's haircut or witty sense of humour. He'd brought up the relationship seconds after.

Adrian's constant questioning and comments about her extra hours at work with her boss, who was a family friend and a brother to her more than anything, had left her second-guessing her choices as romantic. It was okay to be confused about her feelings after dating someone for a couple of weeks. In the same way Tom respected her insecurities, she'd respect his by not feeding into his jealousy.

"I tend to over-analyze my actions and those of others," Maria said.

"Try to just live and not worry about it."

"I wish I could. I compare everything to how things were with my ex and it's exhausting."

Tom squeezed her hand again. "I understand the feeling, and it's awful. If it's too similar I get worried."

"And if it's too different, I do too. My ex's love was so toxic but all-consuming and obvious, but it's the only thing I know. What if it keeps me from knowing what healthy love is like and I mistake it for something else?" She longed to fall for Tom, but she wasn't always as drawn to him as she was to Adrian or Mitch. Was that a good or bad sign? Both of those men had hurt her.

"You don't have to fall in love after dating for two weeks. I like you and hope you feel the same, but I'm not expecting more."

Maria buried her head in her hands. Mitch's words had rattled her. "Here I am blabbering on about love, and I'm probably making you want to run."

Tom put his hand over hers. "You avoided sharing details of your past for so long that I'm not surprised it would come out like this. It's reassuring you care enough to discuss this. You're letting me see the real you."

She gave him a thin smile. She wasn't closed off, but she talked about it more with Mitch. Perhaps it was a good sign she wanted to open up to Tom. "Does it freak you out?"

He shook his head. "It means you're trusting me more, and if you're searching for precursors to healthy love, trust is important."

Years of Adrian's accusation flew at her at once.

"Don't lie to me!"

"I saw you flirting with him."

"You wouldn't act this way if you really loved me."

They continued until she was shaking and curled into a ball in the chair, tears streaming from her eyes. She'd scarcely had a week during their relationship when he wouldn't go after her character. He had trust issues, but sitting here with Tom while contemplating her feelings for Mitch made her wonder if she was part of the problem.

"Maria, Maria," Tom whispered. "Are you okay?"

She sniffled, but no words left her mouth.

"We don't have to discuss this. If dating is too intense, we can slow down, and wait until you're ready."

Maria stared into his hazel eyes, each breath growing slower and easier. He was a wonderful person who cared about her. She liked him more every day, and the past weeks had distracted her from moping about Mitch. If she gave this up, she might feel as miserable as she did around Christmas. She couldn't risk a genuine relationship over words a man who feared commitment had said and hadn't meant.

"I want to date you, but I'm terrible at it."

Tom stroked her hand. "Terrible is the last thing you are. You're funny and sweet, and beautiful."

"And a train wreck?"

"You've been hurt. Even if the relationship ends and you date someone new, it won't erase those memories or pain."

He had to be speaking from experience too, which meant what his ex had done still haunted him. Hadn't those jerks taken up enough of their energy? Maria exhaled and pushed Adrian from her mind. His influence wouldn't ruin another moment. If she wanted to enjoy a new relationship, she would, guilt-free.

"Hey, Tom." She chewed her lip. "I like you."

A grin lit up his face, making his copper freckles and cheek dimples more pronounced. "I like you too."

As warmth spread in her chest, she leaned in and pressed her lips to his. Their kisses smoothed down the wrinkles in her spirit and melted her unease. As she pulled away, he wrapped his arms around her in a hug. After closing her eyes to be engulfed in his affection, she opened them to find Mitch stopped further down the street and staring at them. He looked to be in physical pain for a second until he caught her eye and waved.

She detested herself for wondering if that pain was related to seeing her with another man. Every longing was making her more like her selfish ex. Why couldn't her heart be happy with Tom and leave it at that?