xl. honesty's curse

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xl. honesty's curse
Randvi



Why in Djel's name am I here?

The thought ran through Randvi's head most of the time most days, like an unwelcome guest you greeted and then couldn't get rid of. It was a lot like Ketterdam.

No matter how hard she tried to rid herself of the god forsaken city, she always found herself being drawn back. There was a strange pull to the smog and the narrow streets, as though she were meant to be there, even when all the voices in her mind screamed for her to get out.

It didn't seem to matter how many times she told herself it's fate, she no longer believed it. Was it fate that had brought her to Ketterdam? Or was it that she had made too many mistakes and the gods were now punishing her? Either way, she tried to remind herself of what really mattered.

Inej.

Inej was the reason the crew had stayed in the city, the reason they were all still alive and fighting on. But in her absence, Randvi feared they might just all fall apart. She tried not to think about her more than needed, tried to push away how lonely Inej must have been feeling, how broken and bruised she were.

Every night, as she tried to sleep, all she could hear was Inej's screams in the silence. Randvi felt as though she were loosing her mind, as though she had fallen apart.

It had been just under a week since they'd reached Ketterdam; since everything had gone wrong. A week since she should have cut her losses and left, and yet here she was, shivering in a cold, dark Ketterdam street.

"What's weighing on your mind?" Matthias' voice rang out in an echo in the darkness.

"Too much,"

"I've got time."

Under the white light of the moon she could make out the glisten in Matthias' ice blue eyes. His jaw was tensed, as it had been for the past couple hours. Randvi guessed it was from his imagination running wild at what might be happening to Nina at this moment, at the way Cornelis Smeet may have been looking at her.

Where would Randvi have even begun in telling Matthias her thoughts? A thousand things rushed to her mind at once. I'm loosing myself and I'm absolutely terrified. I don't want to be here but there's nowhere else I can be.

Another once screamed inside her, unforgiving and aching.

Why won't Kaz love me?

She convinced herself he loved her in meaningless actions. She had convinced herself that Kaz Brekker – a thief and con artist – needed her. She had believed his lies, excused his casually cruel honesty, and let herself believe that, just this once, she was worthy of love.

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