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I havent seen Kesha for a week now. I guess she got the memo to stay away. I've told Jinxx and he said that I need to tell Andy what I did. I don't really want to do it but i have to. It's the right thing to do. I saw Kesha on MTV a few days ago and she looks crazy as a motherfu**er. Half of her hair is like pink and the other half is blue. I think the rock to the head caused some brain damage.

Anyway, I am sitting here now on the couch waiting for Andy to skype me. He should be on any minute. My computer screen rings and I see Andy's face pop up with an answer and decline button. I press answer and I put on my biggest smile before everything goes live to him. I know I have to talk to him about melting into that kiss with that sk*nk but its gonna be hard. I know that there will be a huge fight over this. He kissed Kesha, and I knocked her upside the head with a rock. She probably doesn't remember anything about it.

"Val?"

I snap out of my thoughts and opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come out. The truth is that I dont want to tell him just yet. I dont want to tell him I hit Kesha like a crazy b*tch. I dont want to confront him about seeing him kiss her. I dont want to fight with him. I dont want to lose him. I burst into tears and his expression goes sad, "Babe, what's wrong?" I shake my head, "I don't want to lose you Andy," I have to tell him though, "I-I hav-ve to tel-l y-you sompething."

"Well, what is it?" he asks me with a stern look on his face. He's going to hate me for this. "I-I when w-we were play-aying hide and go s-seek I-I saw you k-kissing Kesh-sha. And I-I beat her up. You hate me dont you-u?" I can't tell what is going through his mind, but I'm sure it's not going to be good on my side. After a few minutes, he opens his mouth to say something, but sighs and just shakes his head. "A-Andy?" That's all I can get out before he hangs up on me.

I scream at the top of my lungs and pull at my hair. He thinks I'm crazy. It's over now. Just like that. I ruined it. And look at me now, I'm on the floor crying my eyes out and I can't breathe. I'm going to hyperventilate one day. And if it's going to be today, I hope I die from it. I don't want to be here anymore. This is too much and I can't handle it. I pull myself up to my feet with all of my force after about forty minutes of extreme chest pains and stomach pains and what ever other pain you can think of. I was experiencing it. I pulled myself up the stairs and went to my room. I almost fell down the stairs when I missed a step, but I caught myself.

I walk into my room and begin searching for a blade. I keep them everywhere. I know it. Suddenly, I remember about the one taped to te bottom of my bed post. I slide under my bed and search for the blade with my fingers until I find it. I pull it free and smile to myself, or at least I try to. It doesn't work. My eyes just stare at the shiny metal object wondering why it hasn't melted yet. I hold it to my wrist. This is for Andy. One cut. This one is for Kesha. Two cuts. This is for Andy and Kesha's future relationship. Three cuts. This is for being worthless and fu**ing everything up in life. Four. It carries on until there are six angry red lines on my arm.

I don't even feel like doing anything so I just lay down on my floor and let the tears and the darkness consume me. Life wasn't supposed to be this way. Because there's nothing for me here. I'm just a waste of space. I was born in the wrong time. And in the wrong place. There is no longer a saviour. I am no longer part of this ritual. Andy's not here to brave this storm with me. I'm just.................alone.

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That moment you realize that you can't be fixed. That you are far to broken to ever be the same again. It's not that bad actually, it only means that you don't have to deal with people caring anymore. They don't care enough to check if you're okay, whether or not you're ready to die. Not even enough to bully you anymore. So in a way, it really isn't a loss once you get used to it. It just means that it will be easier to either die or make a new life for yourself.

No longer a part of their lives. I will not endure this anymore. I was nothing but a phase. I will leave. When I feel that I'm ready to leave, I will be up and out and no one will even notice. Not that many things I do are noticeable anyway. I don't want to hurt them but I don't want to be hurt over and over myself. That's the thing. I don't know if I'm still pregnant or not with his child. If I am, he shouldn't expect to see him or her any time soon. I know I've been forgetting a lot lately. I don't remember if I'm having a girl or boy or if he even knows or cares that a child is in my stomach because of him.

I don't even know why I try anymore to be exact. It's not like anybody's watching. I don't want anyone to notice me anymore. I roll over to my side and see the jar of sharpies that I had laid on the bed side table. Just broken promises. I promised myself that I would pick up my art hobby but decided against it when I saw Andy kissing Kesha back. I am not a professional artist. I don't answer serious art questions. I am not like Andy. I don't make "arty art art." Those were just interviews but they involved Andy. My heart is lost in dreams that never made it to success. Just like art. I have lost all passion for it because of Andy.

I drag myself to my bed side table and open the drawer where I keep my sleeping pills. I knew I wouldn't stop trying to leave this despicable world. I knew that somehow my heart was going to be broken by Andy. I knew that somehow I was going to break. I was going to break past the breaking point. I grab the small bottle filled with these tablets that could be used for a peaceful break or could be used to end everything. There is a fine line between a break and forever peace.

I struggle a little bit opening the cap before it pops open. They clatter on the floor as my hand hits my bed post. It hurt like hell but I don't care. It doesn't matter anymore. I pick up the tiny pills and drag myself to the door and lock it. I hear muffled screams and footsteps pounding up the stairs and the bang on the door. I feel lightheaded. I drag myself to the pill bottle before sitting against the door. "Valeri, please open the door. I don't want to lose you." Christian. He's sobbing. It takes me everything not to cry. It doesn't work though. My words come out horribly, "Jus-st leave me alo-hone. I want things-s to b-be better. You're no-ot going to ruin this f-for me." I don't even know how he figured out that I was going to do this. No. He's not even here. He's on tour. My brain is tricking me. I don't even know if they are in town or not. I'm coming home lord. Oh tell me your here, and that you are watching over them while I'm gone.

"Valeri. I saw all the scattered stuff downstairs. We came back so Andy could surprise you. He had a big surprise for you. We were just on the bus and the bus is outside. You can look if you want." It could be true. I stand up and shakily walk to the window in my room and look outside, still clutching the pill bottle in my hands. I see the bus and tears spill out of my eyes. Everything else happens in slow motion. I hear the door bust open but I don't turn fast enough to hide the bottle and I feel arms wrap around my body, pinning my arms to my sides. I'm screaming and kicking. I feel pressure in my head and my hair is flying everywhere. The fogginess takes over and I black out.


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SORRY GUYS! I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN UPDATING BUT IT'S ONLY BECAUSE MY PHONE WAS GLITCHING AND THEN I GOT AN ATTITUDE SO MY STEP DAD SMASHED MY PHONE IN A MILLION PIECES. DON'T TAKE IT TOO VIOLENTLY HE WAS MAD BECAUSE HE COULDN'T FIX MY PHONE AND HE RELIEVED HIS ANGER ON IT. YES I TRIGGERED IT BUT IT'S MY FAULT. I NOW HAVE ACCESS TO INTERNET SO I CAN START UPDATING MORE. I LOVE ALL MY RAINBOW UNICOURN POTATO FRIENDS C: THERE'S YOUR UPDATE SO I WILL BE WORKING ON THE NEXT ONE PROBABLY TOMORROW !

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