Lightning Only Strikes Once - Clexa

Chapter 94: Convalescence

"Raven?" Lexa says, confused. "Of course you are not." She frowns suddenly, thinking. "Hod op. If you need to go on a honeymoon regularly, and it must involve going away, where did you go when you lived in the sky?"

"Uh, couples mostly just locked themselves in their rooms," Raven tells her, showing her face again. It's slightly too red, like she's still trying to contain her emotions. Lexa wonders what the matter is. "It's the aloneness that matters." She looks at Lexa closely, sobering a little. "So... you and Clarke are planning to go on a honeymoon, huh?"

"Sha," Lexa says, voice wavering a little as she worries about Clarke. Clarke must be alive, she must. Lexa will accept nothing else. "After we are bonded."

"Bonded, huh?"

"Sha. That is what I said," Lexa says, a little testily.

Raven pauses, considering. "Okay, as a close friend to both of you, I better be a bridesmaid. And also, I absolutely insist on being there when you tell Abby. That's part of the duties of the bridesmaid, in our culture," she tells Lexa sagely, and covers a cough.

"If it is part of your culture, of course," Lexa says, slightly puzzled by Raven's odd manner. "Clarke is willing to have a Trikru ceremony, but I would not ask her to give up any part of your customs, especially not if they can be easily combined with ours. I will be grateful for whatever advice you can give about your ways."

Raven nods and looks away. She folds her head into her elbow and shakes for some time, as if she is laughing or sobbing. Eventually she raises her head again and takes a deep breath, then swallows hard. "I'm honoured," she says, voice somewhat croaky.

Lexa simply inclines her head in response and they fall silence. After some time she sits cross-legged on the cold ground and closes her eyes, starting to meditate. As they have done every time she has attempted this recently, the past Commanders slam into her mind like a swarm of angry hornets, chasing her thoughts relentlessly and attacking them.

You cannot do this.

You have abandoned Polis, you have abandoned our people!

Love is weakness, did you not listen, did you not understand?

And the oldest, faintest voice: The missile's the priority. You need to keep it safe. She can't get it. She can't.

She sorts through the voices, quells them, hears their concerns, disagrees with them, reassures them. It takes some time. She wonders what she will be like when she is a voice whispering in Aden's ear, what she will say. She wonders if they feel like they still live, if they watch through her eyes and hear through her ears, feel the ground under her feet and Clarke's warmth against her lips, or if they merely exist as the echo of old opinions. Will she be an echoing voice, chanting the lessons she taught her Natblida, or will she be herself as she has always been?

Lexa opens her eyes with a faint sigh.

Raven's leaning against the other side, body slumped eyes closed, but she opens them when she hears the noise. "Having fun? Did you achieve inner peace?"

"I tried," Lexa says mildly. "Peace is always difficult, however. They seldom agree with each other."

"Yeah, the voices in my head are like that too – wait. You're not kidding, are you?"

"No," Lexa says. "The past Commanders speak to me. As someday I will speak to Aden, or one of the other Nightbloods."

Raven eyes her, but apparently decides not to question that bit. She moves onto another topic. "I've been meaning to ask you about that. You have black blood, right?"