Insight

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Why was I here? What was my purpose? Did my actions even have any meaning? Did I even have any meaning?

I didn't want to be this way... or maybe I did, I'm not quite sure anymore. 

I thought I did this because I enjoyed it, but then it hit me - I did all this simply because I enjoyed it. That was messed up.

But then again, so was I.

I am a sadist. I enjoy seeing others suffer and writhe and beg so that I spare their lives, so that I leave their lives and go far far away.

Many people would call that being unwanted. Many people would say that this was what sparked loneliness deep within my heart, that being driven away by people has left me feeling empty and broken.

But that just isn't true.

For I'd rather be a mass of broken shards of glass than being a delicate showpiece sitting on the mantle, waiting to be adored and praised.

For I'd rather be feared, I'd rather be seen as something dangerous than being seen as someone that needs to be protected.

And as far as me being lonely is concerned, if I'm being deathly honest, I'm not lonely.

What normal child would get her own parents to kill each other? What normal teenager would enjoy sparking fights between friends that were more than siblings to each other and watching as their love crumbled to the ground and dissipate into thin air? What normal adult would kill herself just so she could make sure the two parties she worked for could suffer for years to come?

I'm not normal. And that is what I love about myself.

Humans are peculiar creatures. You point them in one direction, and you never know if they will follow or leave in another direction altogether. Everyone is so different yet everyone is just the same, the grey area in people's lives is too vast for them to be judged at all.

No one is good and no one is bad, and we are supposed to blindly accept that. There is good and bad in everyone, that may be true, but sometimes the immense presence of one makes us neglect the other, however, if there is one thing that blinds us all to good or bad, it is power.

The power to only be seen as good and the power to only be seen as bad - It is power that truly makes us blind to not just everyone else's reality, but even our own.

When power is used rightfully, the user becomes an idol in the eyes of the public. The correct use of power blinds the public from accepting the fact that this god could possibly ever do anything wrong. However, when power is abused, the abuser becomes the bad person, and then no matter what good they do with no matter what intention, it will always be seen as means to make up for their sins.

Humans have always been beautiful beings in my opinion. Not because of their perfect exterior, not because they are united and because they seem to come out of all their problems together, not because of their diversity and their creativity and their intelligence and their wisdom, but because despite being broken, they do not wish to fix themselves, all while portraying and boasting about their non-existent flawlessness.

Humans are beautiful creatures because they have purity enough to feel something as delicate as love, but they are willing to fall from grace and loot and plunder and kill for that love if need be. They victimize themselves so magnificently all while being the real tyrants, while being the real threats to the perfect balance of the world.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if 'progress' was just some cheap trick played by God, an idea planted into the minds of humans so that they could kill each other and themselves in the name of it.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if everything in this universe was created by the one true God, did evil also spawn from him? Looks like the human ideals of purity don't hold much truth at all. If their Gods themselves created evil, then maybe they should accept it instead of running away from it and suppressing it. Maybe then they could achieve true balance and true happiness.

It is, after all, what I did, and I must say, this has proved to be quite liberating.

I haven't lost it, oh no, not at all! I just.. set it free.

I just let myself break every bond, every restraint that stopped me from achieving my true potential. I let myself slip past the cares of the world and its obsession with being 'good'. 

I am a sadist, and I enjoy being feared. I enjoy watching people cower away as they see what I can do, as they see just how much I can tear down their lives.

I enjoy breaking people down, slowly and steadily, till they can no longer rebuild themselves. Till their minds are filled with so many lies that they can't do anything but lose themselves in these fables that I've created for them.

It takes time, a lot of time, to change a person so drastically they can no longer recognize themselves, but it is also one of the most incredible things I have ever witnessed.

And when I have people like L and Light around me, so rigid, so sure, so good, and so evil, I can't help but want to destroy everything they believe in. I can't help but want to destroy them.

So what is my goal? What is my purpose? What is the meaning of my actions?

A puppeteer has no goal other than putting up a good show, no purpose other than satisfying its audience, no meaning other than having fun.

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First of all, sorry for the short chapter.

Secondly, We've just crossed 5K.. we're now going to reach 5.5K.. and I can't fucking believe it.

I mean how the fuck..?!

I think it is safe to assume that you guys like the story, and will hopefully continue to support it just as you have until now ♥♥

I'd like to say hi to my male readers:

Hey guys, what's up? (please don't say the fucking sky or the ceiling or some shit) I know there's only a few of you, but that's okay. I'm just glad I have some male readers as well, it makes me so happy I can't begin to tell you. I hope you guys are enjoying yourselves, and I hope the story isn't becoming repetitive or boring.

Also, Important stuff ahead!

My exams are going to start in the next 10 days and I don't know jackshit, so I'll be studying and then giving my exams till december. I most probably will not have ANY time to upload a new chapter whatsoever, and I'm so sorry for that.

I may upload something in my spare time if I'm not fucking passed out because of exhaustion, or I may not upload till Christmas altogether. So.. Imma leave you here with two chapters, this one and the next one, and I hope you like them!

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