The True Saint

My Queen

The Darkling gestures to the throne next to him. "Sit."

Hesitantly, I take a seat on the white throne. The Darkling stares at me as if he is trying to read my thoughts. The notions that I have as I sit on the throne terrify me. Greed. The truth is, I love the power that I feel as I sit alongside the Darkling. Am I any different than him if I enjoy the feeling of significance? Will I succumb to the craving for power if I become a ruler of Ravka?

"What are your thoughts?" he asks me suddenly. Can he tell what I am thinking?

"What?"

"The throne. Do you like it?"

"Oh!" I say in realization. "Yes, it is beautiful." I bite my lip out of embarrassment for thinking he could sense my thoughts.

He hesitates before continuing, "I know you might be frightened of this fast change of becoming my queen, but I'll help you learn the-"

"-No" I cut him off. A fire is ignited in me when he calls me 'his queen'. I am tired of being treated like a pet. "I will never be your queen. You can dress me in black gowns and parade me around Os Alta, but I will never be yours to claim."

"Alina."

I stand up and speed down the steps leading away from the thrones as my dress flows after me.

"Alina!" he yells in fury behind me.

I promptly walk down the long room as my steps echo on the marble floor. He runs after me, and catches my arm, making me flinch. "You will always be mine and you are a fool to think otherwise," he hisses at me. I can hear the hostility in his voice. "I could tell you didn't understand what being a queen consort means when it was explained to you, so I'll tell you what it is in a clear term. It means I own you." When I look into his eyes, I realize that this is the possessive Darkling talking, not Aleksander; the young boy whose main goal is to protect Grisha and fight for their equality. I have learned that there are two versions of him. Aleksander is the one that I need to find underneath the shadow of the Darkling.

"Don't confuse me with one of your pawns that does your bidding. I will just have to redefine what being a queen consort means, won't I." I rip my arm out of his grip and walk away.

I will not let him treat me like a possession of his any longer. If I am to become Ravka's queen, I will be my own persona and not 'the king's wife.'

The sun is finally going down after the long day. I retreat to the Darkling's bedroom to get ready for bed. A black nightgown is provided for me and a tailor takes the tight curls out of my hair. Seeing my white hair in the mirror still flusters me from time to time.

The silk bed sheets feel comforting and cool against my skin, which always seems to be warm to the touch. Ever since I found the book of Merzost, my body has not seemed the same. My skin glows brighter and it takes more energy to hold back my summoning.

***

Halfway through the night I am still tossing and turning in the empty bed. Aleksander has not been in the bedroom yet tonight. He did mention that he cannot sleep much at night, but I have a feeling it is because of our last encounter.

I have not gotten more than an hour of sleep since I've arrived at the Grand Palace. Every night has been the same; I close my eyes and see Mal in the shadow fold trying to say something to me. His mouth forms words but nothing comes out. I wake up either crying or frustrated from trying to decipher what he says.

I feel so alone in the large, empty bedroom. Should I go find him? No! Why would I think that? The Darkling would win if I ran back to him... I sit there in the dark for a few minutes in thought. But I hate loneliness far more than losing.

I can't bring myself to go to him, but I can call to him causing the bone amplifier. I sit up on the bed and concentrate. This is the first time that I have tried to use the tether. I feel the bond between us from the stag's bone collar. I can sense its power and strength binding us deeply to one another. In my subconsciousness, I reach out and tug on the tether connecting us, but nothing happens. Maybe I did it wrong? I suppose he could be ignoring me as well. A few minutes go by and I begin to regret trying to use the bond. Now I just feel more lonely than before. Even the Darkling does not want me.

I jump when I hear the doorknob clank and the doors swing open. The Darkling walks in slowly. He looks sluggish as he moves deeper into the room. Even though he obviously hasn't slept tonight, he still looks unaffected by the lack of sleep. His hair is perfectly parted and his face has a youthful glow. I, on the other hand, have knotted hair and dark circles under my eyes that even the tailors have a hard time getting rid of.

I stand up and begin to explain why I pulled the tether, but he walks up to me and puts a silencing finger to my lips. "I was lonely too." This is all he says before lifting the covers and getting in.

I stand there for a second, unsure of what to say. Finally, I just slip under the covers next to him. He places a hand on my cheek and caresses it gently. "It took me far too long to realize how alone I was before you." The Darkling's voice is soothing as it cuts through the silence of night.

I do not respond, so he continues to talk. "Have you tried summoning when you can't sleep?" He asks.

"No."

He takes his hand out from under the blanket and summons whisps of shadows. They flow from his hand and circle around the room like a river floating in the air. Then, he takes my hand and rests it in his. I let go of my power and the light pours out of my palm, following the darkness. The streams of shadow and sun chase each other and loop around the bedroom. It's beautiful. Watching the light and dark swirls relaxes me, making my eyelids heavy. The whisps of power slowly fade back into the atmosphere as we both fall asleep together. That was the first night of peaceful sleep that I've had in a long time.