Percy Jackson and the Department of Mysteries

1) Buttocks: The Best Way to Start a Book

Five days ago if you had asked me who my most idiotic friend was, I would've said Ron Weasley, or maybe Seamus Finnigan. Things have changed since then. Now, I'd tell you that it's Harry Potter.

You might be wondering how I could call the great and heroic Harry Potter idiotic. He did defeat Voldemort as a baby, after all.

But the great Harry Potter went and got himself attacked by a dementor, used magic around Dudley, and now was a misstep away from having his wand snapped. If it weren't for Dumbledore, I'm pretty sure Harry would already be wandless.

Ron, Hermione, and Sirius we're going crazy. They'd been forbidden from contacting Harry, which I'm sure had my idiotic friend in a good mood. When an Order meeting was held, they were even less pleased.

A guard was sent to go and collect Harry, bringing him to Grimmauld place. Ron and Hermione weren't able to go. Sirius was at risk of being caught.

A lot of other people, people who Harry wouldn't know, were also going.

"I'm going as well," I told them.

Sturgis Podmore, who had been questioning my worth since the day I met him, spoke up, "Why would a kid go and escort Harry Potter? This could be dangerous."

"Duh," I rolled my eyes. "Of course it could be dangerous. That's why I wanna go."

"You're just a kid, kid," Podmore said.

"True, which is why I'm the best fit," I decided against my method of threatening the guy with my sword, and chose a more calming, logical approach. "Do you want Harry to ride alone? It'd be better to have someone on a broom with him, and I'm the best guy for the job. I don't weigh too much, so it won't be too heavy for the broom to carry us all the way here, and I'm not very big, so there'll be more than enough room. Plus, I'm not so bad with a broom, and I'm not horrid with a sword, either. So, I'm going, right, Mad-Eye?"

"Right," Moody growled. He and I had become good pals ever since I told him he was a paranoid fool who was more a danger to us than any Death Eater was, and he said that I was a foolish kid who could find more use in a hairbrush than I could in a sword. After that, we respected each other. If I was able to fearlessly insult the greatest Auror around, then surely I wasn't a fool. And if he were able to tease the demigod son of Poseidon, he must be pretty strong.

Thankfully, Podmore was a lot more trusting of Moody than he was of me, and I was allowed to climb on a broom behind Nymphadora Tonks, who's hair turned a violent shade of violet.

***

The trip was boring. We flew up into the air, Apparated into Harry's house, and looked around. Thankfully, Tonks had successfully tricked the Dursleys, and they weren't around. Unthankfully, Tonks broke a plate.

"Stairs are that way," I said, pointing into the living room.

"Oh, I hope they don't mind," Tonks whispered to Lupin.

"I hope they do," Lupin smiled. "They're horrid, from what I hear."

Moody stopped at the bottom of the stairs, and we all stopped behind him. Looking up, I could see Harry's outline at the top, a wand pointed down at Moody.

"Lower your wand, boy, before you take someone's eye out," Moody said lowly.

Harry didn't lower his wand, "Professor Moody?"

"I don't know much about 'Professor,'" Moody shook his head, "never got round to much teaching, did I? Get down here, we want to see you properly."

Harry didn't move, and smartly so. Last he'd seen Moody, it wasn't actually Moody, but a homicidal maniac who worked for Voldemort.

"It's all right, Harry," Lupin said. "We've come to take you away."

"P-Professor Lupin?" Harry sounded a lot more hopeful. "Is that you?"

"Why are we all standing in the dark?" Tonks questioned. "Lumos." Light filled the room, and Harry frowned down at us, looking even more confused. There were a lot of faces he didn't recognize. "Oooh, he looks just like I thought he would. Wotcher, Harry!"

"Yeah, I see what you mean, Remus," Kingsley Shacklebolt said. "He looks exactly like James."

"Except the eyes," Elphias Doge said. "Lily's eyes."

Moody scrutinized Harry, "Are you quite sure it's him, Lupin? It'd be a nice lookout if we bring back some Death Eater impersonating him. We ought to ask him something only the real Potter would know. Unless anyone brought any Veritaserum?"

"Harry," I called, and he looked at me, looking a lot more relieved. "Who did you have a crush on in year five?"

Harry suddenly looked a lot less relieved, "Dude!"

"Who was it, not Harry?" I grinned, watching red creep up Harry's neck.

Harry muttered something inaudible.

"What was that? I didn't quite catch it..."

"You know who it was, Percy!" Harry groaned.

"Oh, I know that I know who it was. You talked about her every day for the better part of the year. But do you know who it was?" Lupin and Tonks were trying, and failing, not to laugh from beside me.

"It was Mrs. Walker, okay?"

Tonks snorted loudly, and I grinned, "Harry! It really is you!"

Harry glared at me and stuffed his wand in his back pocket as he walked down the stairs. Moody roared, "Don't put your wand there, boy! What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"

"Who d'you know who's lost a buttock?" Tonks questioned, still stifling snorts.

"Never you mind, you just keep your wand out of your back pocket!" Moody growled. "Elementary wand safety, nobody bothers about it anymore...." He stomped towards the kitchen, and Tonks rolled her eyes. "And I saw that!"

I am working today. We've been here for an hour. We still have not found the WiFi. It's connected to an Ethernet cable, which means, in theory, we should be able to find it. But we can't. I don't know where it goes, it disappeared into a mass of jumbled wires or into the wall or something. It's concerning. We've also sold one (1) item. It was a vase. A lady walked in, she knows where she wants to go. Walking fast and talking slow, she's rocking that red jacket. You go, lady. She is back. Oh wow. She has left. She's got a plan, normally people sort of circle the place slowly, are in the building longer than me, all of that old people jazz. This woman was in the right section for not even a minute. She'll be in the left area longer, it's bigger, but I don't think she'll be here very long. She has left. She bought nothing. She is quick. I am impressed.