Dreamland Review Archive

Lost Star (Yin)

Title: Lost Star
Chapters reviewed: Chpaters 1 and 2
Username: TwoDeathAngels

TITLE:
Not sure why it's 'lost star', but if I'm correct, it might be because Psyche doesn't have any living/death records on her?

COVER:
I will repeat what I said in the previous review as you two have the same kind of cover. Your cover is like every other typical cover for young adult stories. Nothing is actually wrong, but it's not eye-catching in any way. The kind of cover I will not even glance at in bookstores. I have no suggestion as it's a personal choice, and the title is clearly written.

BLURB:
Again, I will repeat what I said in the previous review. The first 'rule' of a blurb/summary is to write it in the present tense. Why? Because you're not telling us the story, but you're telling us what the story will be about. It is the first thing readers judge when they pick up your book. It could be in the past tense. But the rule of thumb should be: past tense for what happened BEFORE the story itself, and present tense for stuff that you will tell in the story. Blurb is like a 'fact'. A fact about the book. A fact should always be in the present tense. I think in the past, many blurbs were written in past tense. But not anymore, because the present tense is 'simple' and it conveys a sense of immediacy. The art of fiction grows with time, and it's wise to follow its growth.

I think the part about Ethan should come first, but I know you started with Psyche because she's the MC. You should finish the story and then try to rewrite the blurb. See how you can rearrange it.

CONTENT:
It's interesting to see you start the story with death and later change the perspective to Psyche. That's a creative way to start a story differently from others in your genre. Although it's quite straightforward and predictable, starting with her having no records and can't continue her 'death journey' is a good conflict to start the plot with. 

The content of the first chapter is however, very cliche. I don't understand the 'lure' of writing about someone going to Starbucks, having a quarterback in a football field, having PDA, buying lunch/dinner with female friends, and driving home just to start the story at the very end of the chapter. There are so many other ways to start a YA story. Probably because it's the easiest scene to think of and write about, considering this is written for ONC. For the rewrite, try to think of other circumstances that could act as the introduction scene. One you don't always read anywhere else. I know you can start it in other ways. Perhaps just start the scene with the mom, considering her mom is problematic/sick, and she is more important to the story than her friends (because you mentioned her mom in the blurb).

These are the parts where you could recheck and improve:

Check your dialogue tags. When you use tags like 'he says, 'she says' etc, you need to start the 'he' or 'she' in a small letter. When you have action beats after the dialogues, like 'He looks up'', you have to start the 'He' with a capital letter. You can read further about it on the Grammarly website.

Check your comma usage. It's a bit long to talk about commas here, so I suggest you read it here: https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma/

Separate the dialogue from a different speaker. If someone is talking, keep the paragraph for the speaker only. His words, his actions, his descriptions. If you want to describe another person, start in a different paragraph. Don't share the paragraph where a different speaker belongs.

As a new writer, it's normal to be unfamiliar with technical rules in fiction writing. But a bit of reading here and there would help you improve. Reading books and reading technical stuff. You have to learn to write. You made the same mistakes as any other new writers, which is normal and totally fine. I made the same mistakes too.

As time goes, you'll find your story's 'voice'. At the moment, your narration needs more 'maturity' in it. Even when the character is a teenager, the narration should be readable and appealing to any age group. It should read like the 'character' and not the 'writer'. There's no way to reach this 'voice' other than reading and experience. So take your time and write. Don't stop, and you'll improve.

Good luck!