Once in a lifetime.

⚠️44

October

"I'm proud of you three," Brendan told us. "You've came back, that's an amazing accomplishment." The comment masked as a compliment made me straighten my back more. "This week we'll start with you, Charlie."

"I don't wanna share."

"Okay, I understand."

She huffed, "But you're going to make me." He pressed his lips together in a tight smile. She sighed quickly. "Alright let's get this over with." She sits up. "I have this kind of shit boyfriend. He makes me hate myself." She shrugs as if this sums up any questions Brendan will ask her.

"What do you mean by shit boyfriend."

"That's confidential."

"Charlie if you're in danger...."

She holds up her hand. "Blah blah. I'm fine. You're the one who made me share."
"Opening up helps you heal."

"Again, blah blah." She rolls her eyes. "Moving on." Turning to the boy next to her she says in a high-pitched voice, "Sam! So glad you came today dude, you turn." Sam seemed skittish to speak but Brendan nodded. I admired Charlie's spunk, I wish that I could be as bold as her. She sat back chomping on her gum, her top leg crossed swing wildly. I would stare at her longer if I wasn't worried that she would catch me. She's the scary kind of exciting, I'm sure she and Tori would burn the world together if they teamed up. My turn came before Tori's and even though I had been here before I wasn't exactly excited to talk about my feelings. I felt like a freak, mostly because people looked at me like I was a freak.

All too soon it was my turn and I felt my stomach slowly ache from the nerve. "Juliet?"
My lips moved before I got the chance to think about what was coming out of them.
"Sometimes I just don't want to eat. I don't feel like doing it, even if I know I need to." I swallowed the urge to pick at my nails, forcing my hands under my thighs. "I would rather sit in self-pity in and hate as stomach twists than help my body survive. It's like my stomach is eating itself and I like it. I enjoy waking up with a flat stomach and keeping it that way." Instead of picking at my nails, the urge moves to my legs and I start swinging them back and forth. The rubber of my shoe barely touched the tile floor.

"The moment I eat my stomach seems to blow up like a balloon and it stays like that until I miss a few days of eating again. So I chose the flat stomach, even though it comes with mental I'm fogginess. Physically I feel like I'm alive and thriving." I think to myself. "And I'm pregnant." I don't know why I decided to end my speech with that.
"Holy SHIT," Charlie says only raising an eyebrow.

"Charlie I know you're new to the group, but we don't interrupt others while they are talking. We respect them by staying quiet. What if Juliet had more to say and because you talked she won't let it out."

"Well, then she's really screwed now cause we both started talking." She grins at Brendan and his face is serious. She turns to me. "Anything else Juliet?" I just shake my head. "Oooh, I guess the world will never know if she had more to say." I'm thankful for Charlie's light-heartedness, but Brendan seems upset by it. In my opinion, every group needs a Charlie, she helps keep things light. We're already so surrounded by darkness we don't need to come to a group to sit with everyone in their darkness.

"Tori."

"I don't really have anything new to talk about. Same old same old."

"How is Johnny?"

"Oooh!" Charlie points at Brendan, "No INTERRUPTING!"

"He's fine, which is a blessing, but like I said, nothing new." Tori turns her head to the boy sitting next to her and we move on.

"Sam's kind of cute," Tori tells me as we are walking home. We both have light jackets due to the air slowly turning cooler. Tomorrow though, it's supposed to be 70, you just have to love the Indiana weather.

"Yeah sure."

"Maybe we could do like a double date thing." I know she is trying to be helpful, but dating is the last thing I want to think about. When I don't answer she wraps an arm around my neck.

"Do you think he's as messed up about this as I am?"

She hummed. "Honestly?" I nod. "Yeah, I do. He just recently stopped texting and calling you daily. My question is, do you think he realizes you're pregnant?"

I rip my body away from her. "I've only told him a million times."

"To his voicemail, while you were sobbing, and you know I love you but you can be dramatic." I try to play the hurt off as me trying to pretend I'm offended. I stop walking and kick the ground. Tori turns to face me, "I just feel like you were a little unfair to him."

"You think?"

And she shrugs. "But it's also not my relationship. I personally think you both messed up."

"Well, it makes me feel a little better that you think he messed up too."

"Of course? You're my best friend and I will bury him alive."

"He just hurt me so much. Or I guess the lack of him hurt." She nods, "I just feel like he can't promise it won't happen again."

"And he probably can't, but things happen. Life happens Jules. If you went away to a ballet school you'd be just as busy. You two jumped into a long-distance relationship without even having the foundation to keep it sturdy. You were still learning about each other and working that around such busy schedules isn't good for a new relationship."

"But it could have worked." I tell her annoyed, "If he would have tried harder."

She shrugs, "Maybe, but you could have given him more chances."

"To what breaks my heart!?"

"I mean you slept with him so yeah. You gave him that, you could have given him more patience."

"I'm sure you're right but it's hurting my feelings."

"Yeah well," she shrugged. I looked away from her and at the grass. Sometimes, we'll most of the time I feel like I'm right on the edge and I feel like at any moment I can tip-off. The smallest thing makes me tumble down the cliff and feel so alone. Even Tori telling me honestly how she feels about my relationship with Dalton makes me want to pout and run away from her. "You know I support you because I love you." I nod, still feeling upset at her. I squeezed my arm trying to keep from crying. "You know that I love you too much to lie to you though." I know this is love. Love is telling someone the truth even if it hurts. "Do you think you'll ever give him a second chance?" I look at her again and her face looks back at me worriedly.

"Do you think I should?"

She shakes her head. "That's not what I asked."

"I know, but I want your opinion." I respect her opinion, and sometimes I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do. I've lived with it my whole life I sometimes feel like I can't make big choices on my own. I haven't done made a lot of choices on my own, what if I ruined everything? I may have ruined everything with Dalton and me, clearly, I can't be trusted.

She thinks for a minute. "If it was me I would."

"Really?"

"I mean, I would take Alex back if he had called and texted me every day."

I started picking at my nail-polished fingers. "So you think I should?"

"I said if it was me. I'm not your parents, I'm not going to tell you what to do." Tori turned and began walking towards my house.

"Hey," I jogged to meet up with her. "I want you to tell me what to do."

"But it's your relationship. If you take him back just because I would what does that mean? What if you didn't really want to take him back and you only did it because of me."

"But I trust your opinion."

"And I trust yours."

"Ugh!" I shouted at her.