Broken Mirror- Ranboo angst

<Chapter Seven> Lost hope

⚠️ TW: eating disorder, self hate, derelization, questioning reality, crying, suicidal thoughts ⚠️

The next days were easily the worst time of Ranboo's life.

The panic and guilt had put him into a sleep-like state 90% of the time, so he barely took in any of his surroundings.

He'd usually just spend his time in his dark, musty bedroom, sitting curled up on his bed, staring into space for hours on end.

He didn't really talk much, and even when he did, it was only one or two words, but only when it was absolutely necessary.
He didn't trust himself to speak without crying his eyes out.

Weak bitch,

annoying freak,

fucking crybaby,

he had thought.

He refused to eat or drink anything, he didn't feel like he deserved it after what he did to George.
The only time he'd ever eat anything was when Tubbo and Tommy forced him to, saying he had to eat at least one bite, and wouldn't let him leave the table until he did.

It was a real struggle from their end as well, seeing their best friend in a state like this and not even knowing what was going on. They were helpless.

But they weren't just going to give up, they would fight with him until the end. Whenever that would be.

After seeing Ranboo's state, Tommy and Tubbo were even more delighted to have George over to help.

He arrived later on the night Ranboo "broke", and was happy to help with anything he could. He also felt really bad for him, especially after hearing from Tubbo and Tommy that he was most badly affected by the news of George's house.

Today was no different.

Tubbo was making lunch for the three of them. Well, four of them if they would be able to convince Ranboo to eat.

Tommy was helping him by laying the table, surprisingly he wasn't even complaining. Not a single word.

  While George was trying to get Ranboo to the table.

'The food is nearly ready, Ranboo. I know you don't want to eat, but can you at least just sit down at the table first? We can move on from there.' He said softly.

Ranboo looked up at him with his sad eyes.
His huge eye bags looked even worse up close.

He gave a barely noticeable nod, and stood up slowly.

'Take your time, no need to rush.'

He sat down on the nearest chair, furthest away from where George would be sitting.

He didn't want to really make contact with George, he felt too guilty to even look him in the eyes.

But he would noticeably listen more to what George asked him to do than anybody else, so it was usually him who they asked to try and get Ranboo down to the dinner table or to do simple, every day tasks that he himself would have little to no motivation to do otherwise.

He felt embarrassed about the others having to help him so much, but they didn't seem to mind at all.

Ranboo wouldn't have been able to guess how they had so much patience, to be honest.

Especially with such a disgusting, evil, lazy, weak traitor like hi- no. Now's not the time.

He looked up from his lap, snapped out of his thoughts as a small plate of food was placed in-front of him.

An apple, and a piece of buttered toast.

They didn't need to make anything else for him, it was already a miracle if he ate this much.

He looked up at the others, who had just settled at the table, all of them facing him.

Tubbo was just picking up his knife and fork, about to start eating his steak, when he saw Ranboo hadn't moved an inch that indicated he had any intention of eating at all.

'Boo, can you at least eat half of the apple..? For me..?' He didn't sound very hopeful, but he still tried.

Ranboo looked down at his apple, then up at Tubbo. Back down at his apple, then back up to Tubbo.
He thought for a second.
Eventually, he nodded slowly, taking his apple with shaky hands.

Hesitantly, he took a small bite.

He internally cringed as he felt the sweet taste of the apple dissolve in his mouth.

You don't deserve that food, spit it out!

Stop eating, you're wasting food!

You don't need food anyway!

He tried blocking out his thoughts, but it didn't seem to work.

Suddenly, he stopped eating. 
He just stared at the tiny bite mark in the apple.

Tubbo stopped as well, and looked up at him. He knew what the signal meant, Ranboo had had enough for today.

Well. Not really, but Tubbo knew he wouldn't eat any more after this.

He didn't have high hopes, so he was actually sort of happy, even with this result. Just so much as one bite was better than nothing at all.

He just looked up at Ranboo, and nodded wordlessly.

Ranboo gave him something that could barely even be counted as a smile, and stood up, making his way back up to his room.

The other three watched him silently until he was out of sight behind the upstairs wall.

When he was out of ear shot, Tubbo sighed sadly.

'I wish he could just eat something... he's basically a stick at this point...' Tommy and George nodded.

'But there has to be something more to it, George is fine, he wasn't even hurt, it was only his house. So sorry George, but really.'
George hummed, nodding in agreement.

'I just wish we knew what it was...'

~Ranboo POV~

As he arrived in his room, Ranboo went back to lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling as always.

His eyes were unfocused.
His head empty, his heart void of all possible emotions.
He didn't actually feel anything anymore.
No emotions, no pain, strangely enough he didn't even feel the sheet under him. He didn't feel the usual pressure you would feel when you touched something.

He couldn't feel anything.

It's because you're not real.

Nothing is real.

You don't even exist, you're just in an inescapable dream.

If he could still feel, Ranboo would have felt the hot tear that now trickled down his pale cheek.

There was no way he could ever escape this nightmare, and I can't even put into words how absolutely soul-suckingly miserable and depressing the feeling of being trapped in the cage of life was, having to look through the bars at the tempting unknown of death.

He had long given up on stopping himself from suicide, it was the biggest hope he had left in his life. 
Heh. That's ironic...

In other words, he had lost every single last shred of hope.
But don't worry, he already had it all figured out... it took little to no planning, but he knew what was going to come next.

He internally smiled at the thought. He had no energy left to do it on the outside though, but it's always the thought that counts. 

~•~•~•~•~

October 24, 2021