How To Destroy The Universe

The giant penis

I paid before I finished eating.

Later, as I was finishing lasagna, licking the top of my fingers and secretly wishing I ordered a salad, I heard a voice. It came from behind.

'You can't run away from me, you know?'

The voice was terrifyingly familiar. I was a bit drunk on the wine, so I didn't even bother to turn around. Alcohol always gave me confidence.

'I am not running. I told you to leave me alone. I am going to call the cops.'

'They won't help.'

'Why?' I wondered with a child-like curiosity.

'Because I am not from around here.'

'What are you, from another planet?' I chuckled.

'Exactly,' he answered.

Now I turned around to face the mysterious Mr. K.

'The name is Kendara, by the way. I come from a species that lives far-far away. Your species calls it the Helix Galaxy. Anyway, we have not much time. Doyle is already working at the CERN today. We have to kill him. Let's go.'

'No!' I yelled a bit louder than I anticipated. The waitress, who was at this time taking plates from a table nearby, looked at us suspiciously. 'I am not going anywhere. You've gone bonkers! You're mad! Completely mental! I am not coming with you anywhere. Unless you want me to take you to a shrink.'

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw what happened next.

The plate with un-eaten lasagna went up in the air. Then the wine followed, along with the dirty fork, the knife, and two napkins. They hovered in the air, about fifty centimetres above the table. About the height of my eyelashes.

I stared wordlessly at the objects flying in front of me.

'What the f–'

'You, humans, call this telekinesis, right? Well, it's the least we can do. This is like showing card tricks at a party. Too easy.'

I gulped.

'Want to see something else?' he asked.

I kept quiet and sank into my chair. The flying objects dropped on the table but nothing broke. I felt a drop of lasagna visit my left cheek.

Then Kendara looked in the direction of a streetlight by the restaurant. I followed his gaze and saw that a lamppost illuminating the street that was quickly becoming dark sparked, blew up, and shattered into pieces. I instinctively covered behind the table so the pieces don't hit my eyes.

'Don't be such a weenie,' laughed Kendara.

I looked at him. 'You're the one who's a weenie. Ok, so you're from space. I've read about the Fermi paradox, so I can accept that. Ok, so you have the super cool ET powers. But what does this have to do with Stanley Doyle? And, more importantly, with me?'

'If by Fermi paradox you mean the apparent contradiction between the lack of evidence for extraterrestrial life, then I've got bad news for you. There's no contradiction. The truth is, nobody gives a fuck about your planet. You're too boring and too far away, placed in a galaxy, in a solar system, where nothing ever happens. I mean, who are you kidding, you've got like, what, one planet that has life? Anyway, nobody was interested in you. Not until now.'

'And what happened now?'

'I already told you. Stanley Doyle is going to kill the Universe because of his experiments with black holes. He'll create a black hole that will be so massive, it will absorb not just him, the Earth, and the Solar System, but also all the nearby galaxies. You know how they say in our galaxy: a human with technology is like a monkey with a bomb. Both funny and scary.'

Kendara laughed.

'Very funny,' I said, suddenly feeling bad about my species. 'But why do you need me? You're so powerful.'

'Because I can't kill. It's humans that are violent. We – Makians – can't kill another living thing. It's ingrained in our systems. For the same reason, you don't have to fear me. Because I can't kill you, even if I've tried.'

'Good to know,' I said, even though I didn't understand a thing.

But then suddenly, I had an idea.

'You can probably fly and get anywhere you wish? Even if the doors are closed, and there's no way of finding a person who can help you enter there?'

Kendara laughed again. 'Of course. I can shift matter in my sleep.'

'Perfect. Alright. I don't care if what you say is true or not. And I don't want to be one of those idiot humans in sci-fi trillers who don't believe the truth when it's presented to them. So I'll help you. But on one condition. Before we kill Stanley Doyle, I will take a photo with him.'

'Why do you need a photo with Doyle?' inquired Kendara, lifting his brow.

'Because unlike you, I still have to live on this planet. And work.'

'Whatever,' he replied and stared long in the distance, in the direction of the famous Geneva fountain. The water sprayed higher than any building in the city. And since it was getting dark now, there were lights illuminating the fountain: blue, violet, and red.

I followed his gaze and said, 'Doesn't this look weirdly fallic? Like a giant penis is taking a piss in the middle of the city? And everyone is watching it? No wonder Freud lived in Switzerland.'

'That's about the deepest thing I've heard from a human,' replied Kendara.

'Anyway, what's the plan?'

'Pay attention.'