in between the lines

Simula

Simula 

Every girl dreamed of getting married. The magical scenery that I'll be walking down in the aisle wearing a beautiful white gown, while the love of my life patiently waits for me in front of the sacred cross, teary-eyed, waiting for me to say I do, and can't wait to spend the rest of our lives with each other. I imagine the church will be full of stunning, fresh white roses, and with the presence of our loved ones. What a dream. Because right now I am not dreaming, at the very exact moment, I'm going to tie a knot with the man I didn't want and groom to be.  Minsan pinangarap kong sana siya na nga at balang araw magpapakasal kaming dalawa. Perhaps that was when I became madly and selfishly in love with him; however, that's not the case now, it is very far and different from the dream wedding I had pictured in my mind. We agreed to marry each other because we have a child. Walang kahit anong rason kundi yun lang - dahil may anak kami. My heart aches a bit as if someone is inside purposely squeezing it until my heart bleeds. 

I remember palagi niya akong kinukulit. Nagsimula ito sa pagsunod-sunod sa aking klase,  pagbibigay ng pagkain sa akin hanggang sa wala akong nagawa kung hindi bumigay na din syempre tao lang din ako at literal na mahina ang puso. Noong una wala akong reaksyon kahit ano pa man ang gawin niya because as far as I know Mark Reeves Estrada Marquez is known to be the notorious playboy in our campus. I was smiling when I got out of the car but before I closed the door, he clasped our hands. I wanted to get away from his hold, but I couldn't. Masyadong malakas ang lalaking ito para bitawan ako. Talaga naman ang buhay sabi ko noon hindi na ako babalik pero heto na naman ako. 

Our wedding is a traditional one. It was held in one of the oldest churches in town of Centro Bueno with his parents, cousins', and other relatives and mine as well. May mga dumalong kaibigan na nanggaling pang Maynila at bilang sa daliring mga kaibigan rin niya. We don't have a common friend since then, so no one really knows what happened to us except to my family and I know he mentioned me to his mom and dad. He is very vocal about it na naikukwento niya nga ako and I met them already. As we walked towards the entrance of the hall I just wanted to get away from his hands. His touch became more futile to me. 

Nagkaroon ng photoshoot sa simbahan pagkatapos ng sagradong seremonya. Simula sa pamilya ko, at pamilya niya. And, with our little girl. Natapos ang photoshoot kasama ang pamilya at huli kaming kinuhanan ng litrato habang ang pamilya namin ay nagpaalam na mauuna na sila sa reception kaya heto kaming dalawa magkahawak kamay na kakarating lang. May mga naiisip akong "what ifs" pero pilit kong binabalewala ito at hindi kinokonsente ang kung anomang hahatak sa akin para bumalik na naman sa nakaraan. 

We agreed to this, of course. We wouldn't get married right now when we both didn't agree with this. We are mature and two consenting adults. Noong una mabilis na hindi ang sagot ko sa kanya dahil sa maraming rason at bagay na gumugulo sa isip ko. To think that we are marrying each other for the sake of Kikay because at the back of my mind mas mabuti pang magco-parent na lang kami kaysa magpakasakal. Ang kasal ay sagrado at iniisip ko noon na magpapakasal lang ako kung mahal ko. Mahal mo pa naman tinatanggi mo lang, pagtatraydor sa akin ng isip ko. Biglang hilot sa noo ang ginawa ko at siya'y biglang napatingin sa'kin. He is looking at me as if he is reading my mind, just like before.

"I'm okay. Pumasok na tayo." Matapang kong anas hindi nagpapatibag sa titig niya. Napapayag ako because I don't want my daughter to grew up without a father kung kaya ko naman siya bigyan ng ama at ng buong pamilya. Maybe this is trauma? I grew up na walang umaalalay kahit man lang ina. I barely see myself smiling kapag may nakikita akong kompletong pamilya lalo na kung family day sa school at may homeroom PTA na kailangan kahit isa sa parents' mo may umattend. Can someone blame me that I let this trauma eat me up? Na nagpapadikta ako sa naging karanasan ko that no matter how much I do and think na hindi ko kasalanan kung bakit walang tumayong ina o ama sa akin. Ako ang bata na makulit pero may malungkot na childhood days. I let a long sigh, and I didn't bother to look at Kiko because I know his stare will just make me ugh hindi ko na pinagbigyan ang sarili ko na ituloy pa ang kung anong maisip nito.