Jamais Vu

Chapter 41

Hoseok woke up to the sound of Sunhee tossing and around in her sleep. She was sobbing hard.

"Abeoji, stop," cried Sunhee.

"Aegiya," called Hoseok, hoping she would escape from her nightmare.

"Please," wept Sunhee, still locked in her misery.

"Wake up, aegiya," said Hoseok as he sat and shook her awake.

Sunhee jarred up awake and sat up. She was breathing heavily as she looked around the dark cabin. She could feel the beginning of the panic attack. She could hear Hoseok calling her as she ambled to her backpack and searched for the paper bag she had in there. She brought her pills but she didn't have the time to look for them. She took the paper bag out and started to breathe into it. It took her several minutes before she got through it and Hoseok was next to her, calming and soothing her with his words. Sunhee breathed slowly as she leaned heavily on Hoseok. She felt weak. Hoseok gave her a bottle of plain water for her to drink after her attack subsided.

"Don't turn the lights on," said Sunhee as Hoseok reached for the switch.

"Are you okay now?"

Sunhee didn't answer his question as she was catching her breath. Hoseok helped her up to the bed and sat next to her. "This is a bad idea," she said and scrambled away from him all of a sudden.

"What is?" asked Hoseok in confusion.

"I don't think it's a good idea for us to get back together again."

"What? Why?"

"I... no, this is not going to work," said Sunhee as she grew restless. "No, don't come near me!" Sunhee put her hand forward and ward Hoseok off from getting closer to her.

"Aegiya, what's wrong?" asked Hoseok worriedly.

"No, don't call me that, please," pleaded Sunhee. "You're making this harder for me. You deserve better than me."

"That's for me to decide."

"Why do you have to say all the right things?" Sunhee knew she was unable to function well that night and she was near to breaking down again.

"Tell me what's wrong. Don't keep them to yourself."

"Damn you, stop," Sunhee could feel tears forming again.

"You said you would only leave when I ask you to. I don't want you to."

"I know what I said, it's... it's... I'm sorry."

"Is it about your dad?" asked Hoseok.

"Who told you about him?" asked Sunhee, bewildered. "What do you know?"

"Why didn't you tell me he passed away?"

Sunhee was about to say something but it got stuck to her throat. It was hard for her to say anything about her dad.

"Haewon told me about him. Not much. Just the fact that today's his death anniversary." Hoseok paused as he waited for a response from Sunhee. He couldn't see her face clearly in the dark but he knew whatever was bothering her at that moment is not something that he could brush off. It clearly shook Sunhee to the core and she didn't let him go near her. "Was that the reason for your nightmares and insomnia?" he guessed.

"I don't want your pity," said Sunhee.

"I'm not giving any. You're a strong woman and I adore you for your strength," comforted Hoseok.

"No, don't say that either."

"I'm telling the truth."

"And my personal life is a mess," scoffed Sunhee.

"That's my mistake," admitted Hoseok. "Do you really want us to end?" Hoseok felt helpless at that moment and Sunhee was like a piece of delicate glass that could break any time. He wanted to do something but it was difficult with her pushing him away.

Sunhee didn't answer his question. She couldn't answer him when she was warring with a lot of things in her head. "I'm a burden. I don't want to drag you down."

"Don't say that."

"I'm high maintenance. I have nightmares, panic attacks. Sooner or later, you're going to get tired of that. Can't you see that?"

"That sooner or later might not even come. Can't you see that too?"

Sunhee went silent again as she was lost in her thoughts. "My past could affect your image if the masses knew about me being your girlfriend," confessed Sunhee.

"What are you talking about?"

"My dad didn't die because of natural cause."

"Tell me," prompted Hoseok as she paused again.

"He died because of me."