Extra #1b

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// polyphobia

Jisung's mind was foggy, and his lips moved of their own accord until he caught up to what was happening. Felix kissed even more insistently, one hand curling into his hair and the other clutching Jisung's hand. He melted into Felix's embrace, moving his hand down to his waist and pulling the younger closer. Oh, this feels so good.

As soon as the thought flitted across his mind, Jisung immediately pulled himself off, his hands shaking.

It took Felix a second to open his eyes. He had thought that Jisung had just pulled off to catch his breath, but he was not expecting to see the other with a horrified expression.

"Oh my god, what are we doing?"

Felix couldn't say anything. His heart was still pounding from actually, really, kissing Jisung more than in his dreams, and now from being rejected.

Jisung stood frozen with his hand over his mouth, unable to believe that he had just been kissing Felix. "Are we cheating?" He looked close to tears, not understanding what he'd just done. "Felix what did you do?" he cried.

Why did he let Felix kiss him? Why did he kiss back?

He knew this situation was just as much his fault, kissing Felix back, but he didn't know whether he would've done the same if Felix hadn't initiated it. He didn't know what he would've done in another situation, so he defensively blamed his friend.

He ashamedly thought of Minho, busy at college, not having a doubt in his mind that his boyfriend was loyal to him.

Felix felt tears sparking in his eyes at the rejection, but he felt so terrible for the boy who he'd caused to be distraught.

Felix wasn't sure whether it was okay to approach the other, but he did so, and the older twin let himself be enveloped in a hug. After a moment, he quietly said, "I'm really sorry Ji, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm so so sorry."

Jisung couldn't respond. "Minho's going to hate me," he cried. He mentally berated himself, despairing at what he'd done to his own boyfriend and his best friend, but couldn't let himself believe that it was his fault. "Felix, why would you do that?"

Felix knew that he shouldn't have kissed the other out of the blue when it hadn't been established as an okay thing to do, like Jisung being okay with Minho randomly smacking his butt.

He had let his emotions get the best of him. His original plan was to bring up the topic of polyamory to see what Jisung's reaction would be. If that went well, he would talk about how he had talked to Changbin who had said that he wouldn't mind Felix seeing someone else. And then, he would confess that he'd developed feelings for Jisung.

But in acting impulsively, he hadn't considered the feelings of Jisung and Minho. Another fear hit him and sank to his stomach like a stone. What if Jisung only wanted to be friends? What if Minho hated him for kissing his boyfriend? Had he just ruined two friendships?

Jisung suddenly pulled away, wiping the tears off his face and looking at the freckled boy in confusion. "And what about Changbin? How could you do this to him?"

Felix's eyes widened and he shook his hands in front of him. "No! We already talked about it, he already knew."

Jisung just gave him an incredulous look.

The younger's ears burned and he forced himself not to bury his face in his hands. He stood still trying to work up the will to explain, but he still couldn't meet the eyes of the other. His heart was pounding harder than it had been when he'd kissed Jisung. Maybe the other had relaxed him.

His voice was quiet when he said, "I told him that I was going to tell you that I like you."

Jisung felt warmth bubbling inside his chest, but dismissed it for more pressing questions. "How could he possibly be okay with that?" He didn't understand friend's intentions and whether he even really knew his best friend at all.

Felix desperately tried to right the tilting boat that was their friendship. "Jisung, do you know what polyamory is?"

Jisung's eyes stung with fresh tears and didn't answer. "Minho's just gonna think I'm a cheater." He wiped face and looked up tiredly, seeing a dejected boy mirroring his expression. "What - what did you think was going to happen? That we'd all be in some happy relationship?

Felix swallowed a lump in his throat. Yes, that was exactly what he'd hoped for.

He knew that in this situation he had technically caused Jisung to cheat on Minho. But he needed to make it clear that, "It isn't cheating if everyone consents."

"So this is still cheating," Jisung interjected. "Minho didn't know."

Felix didn't bother to refute the statement; Jisung was right. "But if you don't like me, or you don't want to do this with me, that's okay." He didn't say what he wanted to say, that Jisung had kissed him back, why had he kissed him back?

The other was silent for a moment. Sadness washed over him as he realized that his relationship with Felix was irrevocably changing. It hadn't even been cemented yet, and he already missed the simplicity of what their friendship had been. "I'm so scared . . . Aren't you worried about this ruining our friendship?"

Felix's eyebrows crinkled in confusion and lips were in a slight pout as he considered the question. Jisung hated that he found him cute.

"No, of course it won't. I love you so much, Jisung. We're always going to be friends."

Jisung laughed through the tears, but it felt hollow. "Bokie, how are you so optimistic?" Nothing lasted forever. Even if they remained friends, it would never be the same.

Felix felt tingles at the sound of his nickname. "If you want to forget this ever happened, we can."

Jisung looked at the other, staring into his starry eyes, feeling the ghost of his lips on his. But I don't want to forget.

He recoiled at the realization, and he felt even more disgusted with himself. He was going to have to tell Minho what had happened, and he was going to hate him, or even worse, feel betrayed and be in pain because of him. He felt overwhelmed with another wave of tears and confusion and exhaustion.

"I'm sorry, I can't talk to you right now," Jisung said, walking off in the opposite direction, all plans for brownie making lost.

"Jisung please," Felix pleaded.

"I'm sorry," the other said, unable to look back as they both choked back their tears. 

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