Once in a lifetime.

7

"What if I don't like the movie." He was still staring at my neck and I was fighting not to move my head an inch to the side to give him more access.

"You won't know if you spend the whole time breathing on my neck." I looked at him.

"Just one?" he smirked.

I turn to face him, my eyes drift down to his lips, I like the shape of his eyes. I bite my bottom lip thinking. He smiles bigger and then licks his bottom lip. I move my forehead to meet his forehead and kiss him. I feel him relax against me and when I start to pull away he follows me waiting until the last possible second to let his lips leave mine. "Dalton, no more kissing, you're going to get us in trouble."

"Sometimes trouble is fun. Also, you live with your brother, we're not in high school anymore."

"I know what kind of trouble you cause sir, and you've already caused it." He kisses my hair and then puts his right hand on my stomach using his thumb to make little circles on my belly. I wonder if I would be here right now if I hadn't lost the baby.

And when the scene comes around, when big hero six gives his 'life' for the child he thinks is his best friend, I cry. And Dalton pulls me tighter to him and he doesn't laugh, he doesn't make fun of me, he just holds me.

"I must admit Jules," I'm putting the DVD away and getting out another one, I assume he's talking about the movie. "I found your blog." My whole body stops.

I feel myself blink at the DVD ten, twenty times before I breathe and say, "Oh?"

It doesn't come out as nonchalantly as I had hoped and he's caught it. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

I don't know if he's saying he's sorry for finding them or for bringing it up, so I ask, "For what?"

We're both silent and the sound of the DVD case clicking shut seems to be the only sound in the whole house. "I feel like they are personal and I shouldn't have seen them,"

"We'll they are on the internet. So they must not be that private." I didn't mean it, yes they were private, it just felt good putting them out there. "How did you find it?" I didn't expect anyone to. Cayden was the only one I knew found it and it's because I told him about it.

"I googled you, and when something new came up I clicked on it?"

I turn to face him, "You googled me?"

He smiles, "Well it's not the first time."

I look at him confused, "You've googled me more than once?"

"You've caught me." His smile shines brightly at me.

I cross my arms, "When was the first time?"

"After I learned you danced, I googled you."

I turn back around push the close button on the DVD player and watch Maze Runner disappear inside. "Did you find anything exciting?"

"I did actually, I found you dancing and I watched at least ten videos of you over and over again." I turn around quickly to face him.

"What?" I was joking when I asked if he found anything interesting, I didn't think there would be anything. "Who uploaded them?"

He shrugs, "I don't remember, I have them saved to a playlist on my YouTube account though." I grab the remote and walk back over to the couch trying to keep my distance this time.

"Will you show me?" How can someone record me and me not know about it? How can my dances be there for the world to watch and I have no idea. And if Dalton found them just by searching my name why have I not found them on my own?

Sure enough, they are saved to a playlist named "Jules" with a little white heart. I try and ignore that as he unashamedly pushes on the playlist. I did I use to imagine Dalton being so shy? Or is it now that he's just more confident in himself and his feelings for me? He clicked on a video and I watch myself dance, everything is on there. From my solo when I was six to my recent swan lake performance. I watch in both horror and amazement. I'm really good, but I was also deathly skinny. I see for the first time how bad it was.

I swallow. "I don't wanna watch anymore." I look away as he kissed me on the cheek and drug me to him, I didn't want to be close to him. I wanted to curl into myself and fall into my familiar deep and dark hole, but Dalton seemed to keep me on the ground.

My stomach twisted and my throat tightened when he walked through the door the other day. I had so many things to say to him, but not one of them would force their way out to him. Now I wonder if I could get them out, but if instead of not being able to, I had decided I didn't want to. What would be so bad about us pretending nothing happened? I touch my stomach without even thinking about it.

'He could hurt you again,'

I think. But as I snuggle into his neck I realize that's a chance I'm willing to take.