Friends of mine.

Chapter Twenty Seven.

It takes so much more than I thought it would to not think about Nick, to not talk about him or to not bring him up with any chance I could get. I thought I had pretty good self control until I met Nick, I thought a lot of things about myself until I met him, he changed my view on life in the best and worst ways possible, and I sometimes can't even tell the difference.
I over thought everything when I left his house that day, I thought about how he treated me, and how I treated him, wondering where it all went wrong.
I thought about the kiss, I found myself dreaming of it every night, having to distract myself or I would daydream about it for as long as I could, I thought and still think that if I leave him alone it will go away, but it hasn't. I still find myself wanting him to do it again,
and again
and again.
I'm confused on where to go and what to do most of the time, waiting for Nick's call while I'm too afraid to just call him because I feel he'll completely shut me out if I do, which I shouldn't feel about someone I trust, right?

I find myself walking with no sense of direction, a taxi into town and now I just keep going forward, not being able to pin point any emotion I'm feeling, I can't stand being in my house any longer, I keep telling myself that getting air will somehow help.
I look beside me, seeing a telephone box to my left, contemplating who to call, who to go to next to talk to about Nick, trying to get to the point but swerving it every time it's asked what's going on between us, I'm trying so hard to keep them distracted, I don't want them to blame Nick.
I pick up the phone, soon giving in to even calling anyone, but god do I hate being alone.
I always feel safe calling John, he's too much of a good friend of mine to go unnoticed right now, I need him more than ever now that this is all going on. I feel bad that all I ever do is talk about Nick, somedays I'm complaining about him, calling him all the names under the sun, and other days I'm ranting about how much I'm needing to see him. I just want things to go back to how they were.

"Hello?"

I take a deep breath, my eyes closed and head against the cold glass behind me, I don't want to respond, I feel embarrassed.

"John..."
I breath out, squeezing the phone in my hand as I wait for his response, watching cars from outside pass me by.

"Ah, you again."
He replies, a soft laugh coming through the phone, making me smile weakly.

"Yeah, sorry."

"Don't apologise. Anyway, what's wrong?"
Hearing him ask that immediate question makes me sigh, I suppose every time I call something is wrong.

What's wrong is that I'm terrified. Terrified of how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. Ever since he kissed me all I can think about is holding him close, holding his hand and letting him card a hand through my hair, telling me everything will be alright. I see Nick every time I close my eyes and it hurts, but I've been starting to realise what I imagine with with him isn't as different from before he kissed me, how long have I felt this way and not realised it?

"Oh nothing, just... Can I see you?"
I say instead, I've been wanting to tell all of them for so long what's going on, I know what it's like to feel as though you don't know what's going on with someone, it's not fun at all.

"Yeah, I'm home all day."
I can tell by his tone he knows that I'm lying, that something is wrong and he knows it's about Nick.

I knock at his door, straightening myself up, hoping to look as normal as I can, even though I don't feel it, not one bit, but I can't complain anymore, I'm sure he's very sick of it.
The door opens, I watch John lean on the doorframe, folding his arm with a small smirk on his face.