Confessions of the Average American Teenage Girl

Chapter 1-- How Many Ways Can You Hate on a Diary?

 We don't have enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.

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Tess's Diary

I confess that I am writing in a diary. (Big one, eh?)

No matter how much I claim, plead, beg that you are a journal, the ugly truth will shine through. You are a diary. You suck. 

So today, my mom was like, "I have a surprise for you!"

And I thought, I'm going to get an iPhone! I haven't gone to the principal's office...in...two days?

Then she says, "It will help your communication so much!"

This only reinforces my thought. She hands me a small wrapped box and I tear it open to find...you.

Naturally, I yelled, "What is this crap?!"

And I am now grounded plus I am not allowed to trash you (although you belong there). Anyway, what is she going to do, check the garbage bin? On second thought, that is very possible behavior for my psychotic mother. Only a wacko like her could fall for my completely evil dad. Well...they didn't use to be like this. 

Oh what the hell, why am I even telling you my secrets? 

I mean, you're a diary.

I'm kind of talking about my best friend here. Charlie is the craziest weirded nerd girl ever. Prone to falling inside trash cans (among other klutzy things) and talking to inanimate objects. And the only person who could be best friends with a bitch like me.

Yes, I admit it. I am a psychopathic schizophrenic kleptomanic narcissistic cynic bitch. Yes. Really. (At this point, you will be like, "How did you learn all these big words?" And I will reply, "Because I'm smart!") 

What's that about talking to inanimate objects?

And now I will talk about what happened today like a normal person would.

I woke up. Or rather, my alarm rang and I chucked it out the window. I am not a morning person. The effort of doing that woke me up. (I know, really.) I was aiming for that asshole Chase Kallyn's window. Out of all the people in the world, he had to land in the house next to mine. MINE!!!! 

Or that is, I landed in the house next to him, and not thee other way around. 

AGH! Why do I keep spouting off about that? Never mind...

I pulled on some black skinny jeans and a light grey t-shirt (because I know you really care about that, you're a diary). I ran downstairs, grabbed a muffin and bolted out the door. 

Note of Referral

Student's Name: Chase Kallyn

Grade: 11th

Reason: Excessive loud profanity

Comments: Do I really have to say a reason? Why else?

Signed: Mrs. Polston

Note of Referral:

Student's Name: Tess Kellerman

Grade: 11th

Reason: Excessive violence

Comments: Tess and Chase are at it again.

Signed: Mrs. Polston

Charlie's Transcript (because she writes everything down):