It's always been like this, since as far back as I can remember. Like a light switch just gets flipped and I'm here again. The cool breeze blowing, the sound of leaves rustling at the treeline leading to the forest. A waterfall in the center of the forest with water so pure that light reflects off of it. With me waking up sitting back against the silver tree in the center of the field filled with various flowers. As I lose sight of all my troubles, as if they were temporary, when in reality it was being in this place that was temporary. My memory existed the same way, as if one day, a light switch was just flipped, and everything since is clear and down to the point, everything prior is clouded and blurry.
I remember when that light switch flipped on the first time, we lived in a home that I have fonder memories of. Where I was born, we lived on Langley Air Force Base. My Father was currently serving at the time. I remember the staircase that led upstairs, and the ground floor, but nothing else of that home. The specific memory was my brother's Giovanni, and Louis, and I, were playing with our BeyBlades. And this was the first time I recall that switch flipping, I could have sworn I saw a bright blue light come from the toy that was my own. That was the first time I had caught a glimpse of that place. That light blue light was not different from the waterfall in that place. Perhaps that was the first time my inner self connected with my outer self. Perhaps just a figment of my imagination.
The next time this light switch was flipped I lived on Minot Air Force Base. I remember this because I was supposed to learn from the experience, at least, that's what I kept hearing in my head. A voice not far from my own had surfaced around this time. All I kept hearing was,
"Learn, Learn to not trust so easily, Learn to stop allowing the pain to happen, Learn what you must become."
That would be the first time I would have a vivid flashback. I saw the past summer, I had spent it with my Brother's and Grandfather out in New Jersey and going on roadtrips with them. We were at the poolside of the Amusement Park we were in, and my Grandfather was trying to teach me how to swim. After growing increasingly frustrated with me, as I have never been easy to teach, he instructed me to get out of the pool and follow him. When we made it to the deep end, he shoved me in, and instructed my brothers not to help me, because I would "instinctively learn to swim." I learned later that he meant a human's natural instincts to survive would take over and that would save me. Which is not what happened, I fell unconscious and as if I had zero control over the coming moments, like I was watching from a window on the inside of a house, I watched myself crawl to the other side and stand up getting out of the pool, before returning to full consciousness. When I awoke from this flashback, I was at my friend Colton's house.
Colton and Justin I considered two of my closest friends at the time, I didn't realize until far too late that they were just untamed bullies. We would always wrestle on Colton's Trampoline. But, that day in particular, they seemed to enjoy teaming up on me more than usual. They managed to pin me down, as I was the weaker of the group. And they took turns punching my testicles. One hit after the other. One from Colton, then Justin, Colton again, Justin again. Until I couldn't breathe and started to lose consciousness again. And from behind my window eyes, I got free, and ran home as if the pain stopped existing for that time, and when I came back to my room preparing for my shower, the pain was still there, and I cried as softly as I could to prevent questions. This is when I realized my closest friends were also my greatest Bullies.
That night, I dreamt of a place where nobody else existed. Just me, and the field of flowers. In my dream, I made a little wooden sign from wood I found in the forest. I named this place The Garden. It would become my happy place, and the place I would go if I ever needed to smile.
I remember the bullying that began when we made it to New Jersey after my father retired. Being asked if I did drugs, because of being so skinny. Being asked if I was gay or wanted to fight because I was often looking at the wrong person at the wrong time, even if I was just a bistander watching an argument ensue from across the room. Being called a school shooter because of always sitting alone, wearing hoodies, and dressing in darker colored sweats. As if they thought their words had no effect on my feelings.
I would endure this torment for as long as I could until one day, I would be sitting in the bathroom where we were, staring at myself in the mirror, and I saw myself talk, even though I truly did not. I asked myself,
"Have you learned to not trust anyone so easily? You have not, you are still weak. Still allowing such monsters to hurt you. Do you not understand yet? This is why I am here. This is why I exist. The pain you endure brought me life, and you won't admit that as sick and twisted as it is, you want them to feel that same pain"
"No, no one should ever have to endure the same pain as anyone, or nothing will ever get better"
"Worthless, Insignificant Filth! This is why you suffer! Why WE suffer. Because you refuse to have any worth to anyone, even yourself."
"Perhaps."
"That knife you hide from everyone"
"What about it?"
"Take it to your shoulder, and cut your flesh open."
"Why?"
"To let the pain you feel inside make its way to the surface, and you can begin to heal and understand better."
"And if I don't?"
"Then I will do it for you."
"Fine..."
I did just that, I sat myself on the toilet, and he was talking to me, repeating everything that those bullies would say and everything I hated myself for. In the moment, I for the first time cut myself. It was my 14th Birthday.
Over the months I would begin more habits, as I began hating myself more. With this newly found self hate I would cut myself more and more. I began to question why I hated myself, and before I knew it I found myself at the answers of it was everyone else around me that made me this way. They were why I hated myself so much. I was convinced my family hated me. Knew the kids at school hated me. Felt like no one loved me, and now I didn't love me either, I hated myself more than anyone else could.
I found myself, one day on the playground, during our Middle Schools Recess. I was waiting for a student who easily doubled my weight to come and fight. I was beyond my breaking point, and was tired of it all, so I decided it was time to make a name for myself. When he came over, he offered me the first swing. I would make a slick reply and he hit me, and from behind my windowed eyes, I watched the other me fight him, absorbing the blows as if they never existed and pummeling the other guy back. I would be sent home, and the other student would be sent to the hospital. We both were suspended for a week from school. I was grounded for the rest of the school year, well deserved. The following week, at school, that same kid became my friend. One of the closest friends I could have asked for. That was a plus, but compared to the coming future, that plus seems so small.
The summer was quite an unforgiving one, I picked up alcohol for the first time. One of my closest friends would invite me over. I had known him since the first time I took a summer vacation with my Grandfather and Brother's out to New Jersey. He offered me Vodka that his Grandmother kept in the kitchen, reluctant at first, I eventually accepted this offer. This would begin a habit of every so often drinking vodka with him and his friends, or sneaking beers from my Grandfather's fridge. When cutting wasn't enough, alcohol would help me. Another bad habit, started at only 14.
The coming school year was not in any way easier than the last. In October we had a Hurricane Warning. The year is 2012, and my birthday is right around the corner. As the days got closer to the arrival of Hurricane Sandy, we were told to evacuate, we thought nothing of it, as the prior year nothing came of it. Then we saw it, the water was coming upshore from the beach. We lived in Union Beach at this time, only a few blocks from the beach. We evacuated, and found ourselves a few towns over at the home of one of my Grandfather's Friends. The day the storm hit, was my birthday. On October 29th of 2012 I turned 15, and we lost everything on the same day. My home, my Grandfather's home, my Grandfather's Refurbished Chrysler, My Father's Camaro, My Mother's Carolla, everything inside the homes, gone forever.
I would see my Family break down like I never had before. I didn't understand why, as it hadn't settled in at first what had just happened. I asked them why they were crying, that we could make it all better and we could continue to live happy lives, but I didn't realize until my Mother tried to explain it to me, I was looking through a different pair of windowed eyes. As I began to understand what was happening and how hard things were about to become, I didn't cry, I couldn't cry, or we all would have been weak, that's what I heard in the back of my mind, and another new set of windowed eyes, I began looking through. Since the current streak of 2 bad Birthday's, I would begin to call it Curseday instead of Birthday, as it was the day my curse of a life began.
We would go on to find a temporary home in a neighboring town, as we would go back and forth day in and day out making home repairs to our old homes. Our Grandfather didn't want to raise the homes and wanted to rebuild them as close to the original homes as he possibly could. So FEMA refused to provide us help. The students from the school I went to had to go to the neighboring townships school which was already fairly packed with students. So we filled more space and that made things more difficult for all of us. As now bullies were bullied by bullies from the other school, causing the bullies to bully us more, which was adding insult to injury since we all were suffering from the Hurricane, and in an unfamiliar place, some of us in unfamiliar homes as well as an unfamiliar school.
I found myself cutting 3 or 4 times a day now, and hearing more voices in my head as time went on, the windows seemed to come paired with a voice as well. Almost as if they were identical to a person. I felt trapped, alone. Those voices became all I had left. I felt like my family didn't want me, my birthday became a curse, my possessions became a nice thing I felt I would eventually lose in time. Leaving me the voices, a Knife, the rare occasion of Alcohol, and The Garden.
I would pick up gaming more often as my hallucinations would get worse, I would see the ground caving in around me, shadow figures of animals that were not there, blood oozing from the walls I was surrounded by, and other versions of myself. One had Blue eyes, another had Yellow eyes, and the 3rd had Red eyes. Until eventually I found myself cutting myself, from the center of my wrist up the center of my arm, a failed attempt at suicide. It did not take long for my Mother to figure this out, and I very reluctantly went to the Emergency Room, where they would admit me for the coming days.
That night when I went to bed I dreamt of The Garden. The other versions of myself were there this time, as if they were waiting. They would take the time to introduce themselves to me, and I would come to know them very well as I recognized their voices. The voice I was first acquainted to was the Red Eyed Version of myself, he called himself Virus, because like an actual virus, his Anger, Rage, and Hatred for everything simply spread like a wildfire inferno. Despite how soft his core truly was. The Yellow Eyed Version of myself called himself Celluble, an odd name, but he said he liked it, so he kept it. He said he was like my Guardian Angel, when things were bad, or seemingly at their worst, he came around to try and keep me smiling or happy, inevitably leaving the real me in the dark. Then that leaves the Blue Eyed Version of myself. He called himself Slylvas, he said his name was supposed to be something appealing to me, as he did not care for himself. He was more concerned with his addiction to Alcohol, and smoking marijuana. He said he was the embodiment of my depression, and trying to drown it out with so many negative outlets. But there was one problem we all came to agreement with. Despite we all share most of the same memories, and even share different versions of the same memories based on who was present during them, none of us were the same version of me that woke up in the pool. Meaning one of my other's still wished to remain unintroduced. We came to know each other, how we each felt in comparison to one another, and learned we all exist within the same body under the same physical and mental conditions, but under different consciousness'.
When they released me from the Hospital three days later, I went home knowing all of this, and telling no one, and with prescription medicine for the first time. This Medicine was very powerful, and put me to sleep. I would sleep all night, and all day. Go to school just to sleep through all of my classes. Creating an issue where they now needed to lower the dosage and prescribe me a new medicine, which caused me to have a whole new issue on where if I was not asleep I was rushing to the bathroom. These medicines were prescribed to treat Depression, Anxiety, Impulse-Control Disorder, Psychosis, Unspecified Bipolar Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). They were working if you count. I was never awake so could never deal with the disorders, unless you count my dreams and nightmares. The Psychosis I would have called back then Daymares, had transitioned into my dreams at this point because I was only ever asleep or in the bathroom, I hardly ever ate, hydrated, or did anything for myself.
During this same year, I would meet a girl I would find myself falling head over heels for. Her name is Sierra, and she and I were inseparable. It started towards the end of Middle School. She and I would pass each other cute little notes, flirting and talking sweetly to each other. Which would progress to our Middle School Prom, which would then progress into a bigger relationship. I would go everywhere with her. The Beach Party's every wednesday of the summers. To any after school events she wanted to go see. To birthday parties and her family's events and gatherings. Her brother would provide her and I alcohol. But it all went downhill when she met my other selves and they felt comfortable introducing themselves by name, and I shortly thereafter got my first job at Burger King, which was owned in the area at the time by George Town Incorporated. This would begin a series of forgiveness and trust finally devolving into trust issues for all around me as I would begin to wake up to reality.
I would catch her time and time again cheating on me, whether through text messages, or with people I knew. Each and every time to forgive her and continue the relationship. I loved her so much I didn't want to accept that my world revolved so much around her, that if the relationship would end, I thought the world was ending. I spent three years dating her. I spent the same three years getting cheated on. What I thought was love, became another reason to hate myself. Another reason to blame myself for yet another thing that went wrong. During this time, I had put on enough weight to fit mainly XL and XXL clothes. Causing me to be ridiculed for being overweight. By my father, kids at school, and even Sierra.
I got myself into some trouble in an outburst, I was sent to a Juvenile Detention Center at 17, to soon be released to the custody of my Grandfather on an Ankle Monitor. I would soon find out that I had the option of spending around 2-3 years in the Juvenile Detention Center or go through a Rehabilitation Program which would take a maximum of 18 months. I chose the Rehabilitation Program. Before I left, Sierra told me she wanted nothing to do with me ever again. To stop calling her, to never text her again. That she had been sleeping with one of my best friends, and she much rathered him as he was better off in the future of a family tied career path, and made detailed comparisons of sex lives between he and I. This all came to be, on my 18th Birthday.
My untreated multiple personalities would progress further yet again during my time in the Program. Since the age of 13 I had lost what little childhood I had left, which during my time with Sierra created 3 Childlike Personalities. MidNight, Celly, and Tini. MidNight is a very sweet child persona that is well behaved and loves to make others smile. Celly is a bit bratty but he has good intentions. He always is trying to enjoy himself, and gets upset when things aren't going his way. Tini is a bit of both. Tini has potential to be very sweet, from offering his sweets and toys, to also being very selfish and bratty about what is his and what he wants. Each Personality took shape around some of my favorite childhood things. All 3 took shape around different Pokemon I had created small stories about on an online fanpage. MidNight took the design of a Black Mew with a Red Ring on his tail, a Red Crescent Moon on his Forehead, and Purple Eyes. Celly is a Red Eyed Blue Celeby, and Tini is a Ghost White Victini. But despite these forms and taking on the stories of my fan creations, they are different alterations of my child self.
I worked with a Plumber who owned his own business while in the Program. And during this time, having little to no contact with my friends and family, no escape from the reality I now faced, I found myself drowning, in desperate need of an escape. So for the first time, I spoke to my Therapist about my Personalities. He would help me learn method's to slip into Lucid Dreaming and merge my consciousness and theirs with Lucid Dreams to help me cope. Which helped me get through it all. Eventually having a more sure fire way of not only going to The Garden more often, but also being able to have realization and more control over my Personality Switches.
When I would finally finish this Program, and make it home, getting re-enrolled into my old school, Keyport High School, my ex-girlfriend Sierra had the School Guidance Office wrapped around her finger, as she had played the victim in my absence, despite those who had come to know me knew the truth, and any who tried to speak up, were silenced by the school as they were told to worry about themselves. I was segregated into a classroom of seniors who were not going to graduate without making up credits by doing extra online courses via that class. They called it Spear. After the school's mascot, a Raider Indian. But Because of this class being a catchup credits class, I wound up having all of my classes finished by the middle of the year. I wound up going to school to sit in a room watching movies or twiddling my thumbs bored. I went from sleeping in classes at the start of High School as one of my best friends would do my work to help me not fall behind, which was extremely nice of him, to being so far ahead I had a whole half a year to be bored.
This same school year I had 2 MLG contracts offered to me. One for Titanfall 2 ESports and one for Destiny 2 ESports. I in my naive and ignorant phase of youth declined. Titanfall's Contract I would turn away due to the thought that it was not the game I enjoyed the most and didn't want to spend a lot of time on a game I knew I would barely touch or uninstall sooner or later. Destiny, was for an even dumber reason as it is the game I love the most, and was because the team who taught me everything I knew, wasn't considered, but I was. I would to this day play, and they would eventually uninstall not much longer later.
These are some seriously good quality of life changes, things began looking up, and I felt so good, so happy with myself for these accomplishments. But, just as it happened before, as things begin to look up, rock bottom is right around the corner.
I got a new job QuickChek, and for those reading who may not know what that is, if you've been to a WaWa, or a Sheetz, you have been to QuickChek, as they all are basically the same, and major competitors of each other. I would work the late evenings and come home to play Destiny everyday. That Spring close to the end of the school year, my Father, Lou, would call me into his bedroom. Asking me detailed questions about my sex life, and sexual preferences. Upon answering, he offered me a father-son sexual relationship. Which made me feel sick to hear and I declined, he at this point would grab my pants reaching into them groping me. I got free and out of his bedroom door, telling him that he has one chance to not mess up or I would be taken out of there in handcuffs for murder. Shortly after Graduation, he would kick me out.
I found myself at the home of one of my closest friends. Who put me up, at the cost of a fairly small rent. I spent a few months there. As these friends would begin verbally abusing me for not doing everything they wanted and doing every last thing with them like they wanted. Until one day their mother raised my rent to an amount where every single check I would get I would have to hand over to her. So I had to go back to square one, back to Lou's house.
Now as time went by things looped back again to where it was screaming matches and constant conflict between myself and Lou. Until one day my Sister, Ashley, got me to eavesdrop on Lou. Who was on a voice call with someone who he had been expressing to that come April, My brother Giovanni and I would be getting evicted and that he would finally be rid of us. That we were bred for household chores and Lou's selfish desires and we couldn't do any of that right.
I would seek out my best friend at the time, Mike, who was living in Florida at the time with his fiancee, mother, and step-father. Who would help me by letting me move out to live with him. By the end of March, the night leading into April, I would have said goodbye to Giovanni, Ashley, and my Mother, Denise, as I would board a flight to Florida.
I had lost enough weight to fit a whole weight class smaller in clothes, I went from XL and XXL to L and XL clothes. In this time, I developed two more personalities, who act as twins. Their names are Zelby and Void. Void is another clone of myself but has no emotions, he is numb to everything. Zelby is the female incarnation of myself, she shaped around another fan character of mine, this one, based off of Destiny. She formed from loneliness and to find a look that appealed well for both her and I, she took the shape of my Destiny Original Character Fan Story.
We found a home we all got leased onto, Mike, his fiancee Michelle, her best friend Jess, and I. Where Lou and Ashley would bring me my cat, Yvonne, who was my whole world, and my belongings. Where I would eventually give into the temptation of Alcohol, and drown every moment of every day in Vodka and Rum. Until they all came to the agreement, I was past saving. I would then be picked up by one of Lou's Friends, and be brought to Georgia, to be picked up by Lou and brought back to New Jersey.
Where things got worse. I would establish a job at Burger King, now owned by Parade Enterprises in the local area. As I would still be consumed by alcohol and even pick up smoking cigarettes and marijuana as regular habits as well. One night, while I was sober, I was in a state of emergency needing to use the restroom as I got lost gaming as I often do and in the middle of a Destiny Raid Night I rushed to the restroom. Where my sister currently was. My sister in a scratchy voice said she would be out in a moment. About ten minutes later as I was in need of using the bathroom, I knocked again. She opened the door, dressed only in my father's bathrobe. In shock I told her to wait where she was and I would not be long. When I came out of the bathroom she explained to me that when She was bringing my stuff to me in Florida with Lou she tried to tell me then but Lou never allowed us the chance to be alone. She told me that ever since I had left home for Florida, he had been Sexually Assaulting her.
I spent every day leading to his arrest going around town, drinking, drowning my pain in alcohol, smoking, and whatever I could that I thought would help. But nothing would help the guilt I felt. If I never left home and just stayed and remained strong then she never would have endured that. If I had been there for her and noticed the signs, and could control my drinking, she would have had someone there for her. But I wasn't there, I wasn't strong, and I was not sober.
This broke me day after day, as more happened with the case. My Grandfather, Augie, would try and convince me to help Lou, who had sexually assaulted me, Ashley, and my eldest brother Louis. Augie would sneak into my home to steal mail and have me at gunpoint, as he was armed and willing to kill me if he felt it was needed. Augie would use the mail he stole to get all the bills transferred to his name, as well as Lou's Banking Info my mother was using to pay bills and provide food for herself, my sister and I. I would then scramble to rush and find a new home as all utilities would soon thereafter be shut off.
My at the time Girlfriend Tiffany would help me move into where she was with people that would be toxic roommates as time passed. This new living arrangement caused our relationship to feel rushed, overwhelming and overburdening with the arrival of COVID-19. I was forced to surrender nearly all of my belongings. In the course of this 3 moving onto 4 year cycle, and I was at my limit.
As I would fall deeper into Alcoholism and deeper into the abuse of substances. My roommates became toxic, permitting us getting kittens, and then after getting said kittens revoking that agreement. They tried to force apologies, higher bills, and for us to get rid of the animals. We would quickly agree to none of that. Causing those same toxic roommates to shut off all Internet Access and Power to our bedroom. They would turn the Hot Water off during showers. They would leave all of their dishes in the kitchen and spread through the house as it would all grow mold. Then one day I finally had enough. Through windowed eyes I went to the kitchen, grabbed an empty cup, filled it with water, and poured it into the briefcase they were keeping the router in. Later that night, they had law enforcement kick me out of the home. I would spend the next month jumping from home to home, and on some occasions finding a place to sleep where I could hide from the naked eye.
I hit rock bottom again, went homeless for real, until my sister returned to New Jersey with her boyfriend, allowing me to move in with my Mother and her Boyfriend. I would come to know that set of windowed eyes as Trauma, which took the shape of the Ghost Shell I designed for Zelby's Character in the Story. But no personality matches the one from the pool, as our story continues on.
My first few months in North Carolina with my Mother was filled with overnight shifts at Burger King Carol Corporation and a Privately owned McDonald's. Until one night my mental state deteriorated into a psychotic laughter, as I would begin talking to myself about what I should have done in every scenario I have been through until now. That I had not changed since the pool incident, and that I would never be able to stop myself from getting revenge on them if the occasion ever arose. I knew this feeling, it was the same as the pool, I finally met him. He looked like me, but his hair was half white, half black, one eye had a black pupil and outskirts with a white color for the Iris. and the other eye was the opposite, with a white pupil and outskirts with a black Iris. I called him Confliction, as he appeared to represent inner conflict.
I would a few months later switch to Confliction in an argument with my Mother's Boyfriend, who was drunk, not knowing what he was saying and threatening to kill me, in an episode of PTSD to my past with my father, I grabbed the blade I keep in my room and walked out of my room threatening to kill him and making verbal jabs back at him. I quickly went back into my room and began breathing exercises to calm back to being myself again. Now I'm reaching the end my lease here, and I am scared that I am struggling to find somewhere to go, as I keep overhearing conversations about their plans for the near future to live as just the two of them. My eldest brother and I now hardly talk as we often break into arguments. The same with my other brother and I. My sister is the closest of my siblings and there is no guarantee that I will be able to make that work either. I lose everyone and everything I care about and get close to.
I'm Tired, So Very Tired.
I Feel Myself Surrendering.
I Hear The Garden Calling Me.
