The Insane Journey

Chapter 47

 The previous day, Phineas had driven as far as Heidelberg before Jesus suddenly reappeared in the passenger seat of the SUV and told the priest he had been driving in the wrong direction.

 “Where the heck are you going, Phineas? You don’t want to go this way! You’ve got to drive towards Cologne, and then Brussels,” explained the Son of God.

 “Oh, Jesus, you came back,” cried Phineas.

 “Yes, I did, my son. God said you might need a little help,” said Jesus.

 “I do,” said Phineas.

 “Well, first you’ve got to take the exit ahead and get on the road to Cologne, Phineas,” said Jesus.

 Phineas followed the advice, veering off the highway and following a series of curves, merges and lane changes until he was on the Holy Son’s suggested route. He drove as far as Koblenz where, late at night, he dozed off at the wheel of the SUV and very nearly smashed into a big Mercedes.

 “Better pull over and get some shut-eye, big boy,” said Jesus.

 Phineas did so and asked, “couldn’t you drive for a while?”

 “No can do, Phinny. I haven’t got a driving licence,” said Jesus.

 “Oh, okay,” said Phineas, who was asleep by the final syllable of his reply.

 

“Hey, wake up, Phinny!” said Jesus the next morning. “You’ve got to take care of Maxwell. Why, he’s probably defiling a virgin or two right now while you sleep!”

 “Oh my God! Yes, of course, Jesus,” said Phineas with a start. He immediately began driving again. By mid-morning, he was in Erps-Kwerps. In the village square, he found a billboard with a map of Erps-Kwerps. He pulled over, hopped out of the SUV and studied the map.

 Jesus followed a moment later and examined the map as well.

 “Do you think it shows Maxwell’s house on this map?” he asked with what Phineas felt was a trace of sarcasm.

 At the same time, two teenage girls walked past the sign.

 “Oh look!” said one to the other, pointing down the road. “Check out that bicycle. It’s Maxwell and his penguin. It’s, like, such a cool bicycle.”

 “Cool!” laughed the other girl.

 “Did you hear that?” asked Jesus. “It’s Maxwell! Look! You’d better get ready.”

 “Ready?” asked Phineas. The two girls looked round to see a dishevelled priest, with a massive moustache, talking to himself.

 “Yes, ready! There’s a gun in the car, Phinny. You can take care of the Maxwell problem once and for all – right now!” said Jesus.

 “But...” sputtered Phineas as the girls picked up their pace and moved on, glancing worriedly behind them.

 “What’s wrong, son? Scared to do God’s work? Has my Father misjudged you?” demanded Jesus.

 “Oh no! Of course not,” said Phineas.

 “I did not hear you!” said Jesus.

 “No, my Lord! I am not scared,” shouted Phineas

 “Then get the damned gun and do what you need to do, son,” exclaimed Jesus.

 Phineas returned the SUV, found the shotgun and pulled it out just as the unusual tandem bicycle approached. That was definitely Maxwell riding it.