The photo album

The pages turning, the pages turning.

The book beneath me shows my Mama smirking,

As I sulk back, into the dark corner,

Knowing that I can't take this shit, not any longer.

The pictures showing me and my mama when I was younger.

And as I'm looking at these photos, I couldn't help but wonder

If life had gotten any better since this album,

Now that I'm older and I no longer throw a fucking tantrum.

I looked at the book and took out a photo.

The emotions that overcame me were uncontrollable.

And as I looked, I found myself working so hard,

To try and refrain myself from cursing and disregard

The pain, that is no longer random.

While every part of me, every cell, every atom,

Feels a change of heart towards my effing mama

And I take another swig, out of the bottle of vodka.

I look again at another picture.

It's me and Daddy, looking at the Big Dipper.

And there you are Mama dear, off to the side.

Ya, there you are Mama dear, drinking your wine.

And here's another one,

It was me and you this time, holding your gun.

It was my birthday, a cake in front of me

And Mama, I had tears in my eyes, with you looking right at me.

I remember, I remember when my sister took that photo.

I was smiling at first, but could I be happy? Hell no.

My mama was drunk, my daddy was dead,

Too many images came up in my fucking head.

Ya, my aunt had made the cake for me

And as they were singing, Mama, you came in, angry as could be

I remember the smell of booze on her breath, ya she was wasted

And we couldn't do nothing so we just sat there and waited.

Ya, we waited, til she finally started to speak,

 I still remember, how she made me feel so weak

"Happy fucking birthday." she simply stated

And she trudged up the stairs, me staring and then the whole memory faded.

The pages turning, the pages turning. I'm looking at Daddy, my sisters and me and Mama. I'm searching for the cause of all this drama.

I'm searching for the life that I never had. But all I see is beauty vs evil, good vs bad.

And I'm stuck here, wanting an answer.  But I look down and all I see are

the pages turning.....

The next page was of photos I'd taken.

Most of them were of my parents and sisters having coffee and bacon.

But in this photo, Mama, you looked so happy,

As you watched your little baby, taking her nappy.

And in this one, it was you this time, with the tears.

Looking at Daddy's grave, holding your beer.

And I remember, that that was the time,

That it all went downhill and we didn't have a single dime.

At that time, you didn't know how to handle your grief.

And that was the time that I had to hold a sheath

Over my little sisters, blocking them from the image of you wasted.

Ya I stepped in, saw you and I painted

A picture over who you really were,

And because of me, my sisters never saw the monster that you really are.

Ya, that's right, Mama, to them, you were nothing but a dream.

But to me, oh god, you're enough to make myself scream.

Ya, I could never forget what you did to me then.

It was two years after Daddy died, but to me, it felt like ten.

I went into your room to give you some water,

Because I had noticed earlier, that you had a fucking hangover.

You took the water and stared at me darkly.

"You remind me of your dad. Fuck you." you said sharply.

And that was the day, that I came to my senses.

The day I broke out from all those fucking fences,

That you enclosed around me, trying to block me from anything than what you said.

And that night, I found out how much shit I had jammed up in my head.

You see, I never knew how much I could hold up inside me.

And that night, I discovered, ya, I fucking discovered what it meant to be free

Of all emotions except freedom and lightness.

At that point, all I could see in my future were colors and brightness.

That day, I finally learned, that Mama, you weren't worth it.

You weren't worth the pain and agony, not one fucking bit.

Ya, that was the day, I decided to be brave

And find the effing life, that I had so badly craved.

I left you Mama, after a couple of years.

My sisters were safe, they had no more effing tears

To cry over you and that's when I took my leave.

I felt so happy. Ya, I could finally breathe.

I escaped from the life, that you had so carefully braided.

And I saw it then, but then the whole memory faded...

The pages turning, the pages turning. I'm looking at Daddy, my sisters and me and Mama. I'm searching for the cause of all this drama.

I'm searching for the life that I never had. But all I see is beauty vs evil, good vs bad.

And I'm stuck here, wanting an answer.  But I look down and all I see are

the pages turning.....

Here's another one.

 It's the last photo.

It's of all of us, before any of this happened.

Daddy was alive, Mommy was happy, her coat fastened.

I was standing next to Daddy, my sister on his back

Then the whole memory... faded to black.

As I watched the pages turning,

The memories of my former life, once again, returning.