After that night you avoided me, Nebula.
I don't know why, but I strangely missed you. Even now, I miss you.
Why do I miss you all the time?
It's been weeks that I haven't heard from you. You didn't call and you didn't text. Maybe it's just me being paranoid, or maybe you really were just adjusting around here and wanted to embrace the new changes in your life.
I really wanted to see you so that I can explain the shit and rudeness I did at the house party, because you didn't deserve that. Every time Saturn and Andromeda would come up to me and talk about you, I felt annoyed because they get to talk something new about you. You also reply to their texts and went to Andromeda's house to look at some of her drawings, and you also bumped into Saturn at the beach and you said hi to him and he said you talked about dogs and pizza.
And what are you? Who gave you the permission to be so damn lovely?
Jeez, the more they talked about you in front of me the more I wanted to genuinely say how sorry I am, because you always looked and faced me sincerely, but I on the other hand turned my back on you. You always showed me kindness, but I just gave and showed you the opposite. Because I felt that when you knew the truth, you'd just reject me. Because I felt that I have nothing great in me that you can hold on to.
And do you really want to know the truth?
When I saw you that night, walking out of your house, in that black shirt and skinny jeans-- I was absolutely blown away. You also put on a little make-up, which made your eyes look bigger. I even teased you when you got inside Saturn's car and you just laughed at my ridiculous banter and punched my left arm. I actually wanted to ask you out so bad that night - like on a real date. I couldn't stop looking at you. I kept on pestering you so you can look at me and react to what I was doing. I wanted to try; thought of all the possible ways for you not to decline and just give me a chance. I wanted to ask, and didn't think of your rejection. I just knew in that moment that I like you, and I wanted to ask you out.
But then, when I got back to the table, ready for any outcome, you were already marching down the dance floor with Mars, you were holding his hand and both of you were dancing the night away. You were talking and smiling at him.
And I wished you did that with me.
But then, for some reason, Andromeda got to be your new friend and she introduced you to me before I could introduce myself to you. Then she also introduced you to other people and to all our group of friends. The next thing I know, you're no longer the one I have reserved only for myself. Your existence wasn't my only secret, because the others have already found and discovered you. We were already orbiting the same planets. So yes, I got jealous Nebula, for some fucking weird and indescribable reason.
Because in just a swift moment, I knew that you weren't actually mine to begin with. And who was I, really? You just met me, you don't know much about me and you even have a bad impression of me.
Do you know that I really wanted to have a chance with you? I wanted so bad to get the right time to walk up to you, so I can introduce myself and be myself with you. But it felt like it was too late, because you probably heard it from the circle of friends we have that I have gone out with a lot of girls, that I have slept with some of them and that I was trouble.
And when I saw you with Mars - I saw potential. Why? Because the dude's a nice guy and he can really make you laugh without insulting you. While me— I don't know how. I'm not really good in that department. I'm used to girls making me laugh, I'm used that I have to be the one that should be pleased, that they're the ones seeking for my attention. Then I end up going out with them recklessly, or because I just find them really hot.
But you— you can't be described as hot like you're a fucking temperature or a piece of meat. I mean yeah you're cute, you have the body—but it's an understatement to describe you as hot.
It's probably the most ridiculous word any guy would think of to describe a girl or woman.
Like I said-you're out of this world, out of my league. One word is not enough. There's too many adjective in the English Dictionary to choose from to describe you, but not hot.
And I don't know—I didn't know if I'll ever have that chance or that moment with you, wherein you'd believe me, know me without judging or listening to what other people say. I didn't know if I can have a clean slate with you.