His blood on my hands

Kendra eight

I'm tumbling down the hill, sticks and rocks scratching me. I see blood. So much blood. I'm falling faster and faster. I look for something to hold on to. Anything. When I don't see anything, I desperately pry my hands into the mud. But I don't stop. I hear Cadrian yelling in the distance. Finally, a rock is in my path and I stop, hitting my head. The world starts going black. I panic, trying to stay awake. I force my eyes open. But after a moment I see nothing, and a second later I'm on a cot in the health center.

I look around. The white walls are daunting, so empty. There are needles in multiple parts of my body. The only other thing in the room is a chair for the nurse and a few supplies in a cabinet. My head is throbbing and it takes so much energy to keep my eyes open. Every part of my body burns and aches.

A nurse walks past my slightly ajar door. She looks at me and notices I'm awake. She walks in and sits down.

"Hi Kendra. I'm so glad you're awake." She seems surprised.

I try to reply, but my mouth won't open.

She writes on her notepad and types some things into the machine. I notice the tube attached to my arm with blue liquid turns into red liquid.

After a moment, I feel stronger.

"What happened?" I manage.

"What do you remember?"

I remember struggling, fighting, blood. Panic and fear.

"I was on a hill." I croak.

"You fell, Kendra. You fell a very long distance, and then hit your head on a rock. We heard Cadrian yelling. He was running down the hill when we got there. We told him everything would be okay, and we put you on a stretcher and brought you here. You have a lot of surface wounds, and a head injury. Not to mention a tremendous amount of blood loss." A pause, "Honestly, we weren't sure you would make it."

What. How did this happen? How did I let this happen? I didn't kill him when I had the perfect chance to. We were so close, so secluded. Everything would have worked out. It would be over by now. The job would have been done. But now is no time for regret. I need a new plan. Everyone is probably packing up and getting ready to go home. If I can figure out a way to get out of the health center I can catch up to him. Then I can find some corner behind a building or near a restroom. Not ideal, but with the circumstances it should work.

"How are you feeling?"

"I just have a little headache."

Truly it feels as though tons and tons of bricks are piled on my head, and a small tinker inside my brain is hammering. But I must make it sound bearable, so she'll let me go.

"Do you think you'll be ready in a few days?"

A few days?

"No, I feel great right now." I say.

"Oh no that wouldn't work." She says, almost laughing. As if the idea is so absurd.

How do I convince her? Ah. Play to her compassion.

"I just really want to leave with all my friends. I want to say goodbye to them."

"Oh kendra," she looks confused and concerned at the same time, "they've already left."
"What?" my heart starts beating faster and the ringing in my ears gets louder, to the point that talking sounds like a muffled whisper.

"Honey, you've been out for two weeks."

What? The only word I can think of. What. Two weeks? It was only a moment ago I was tumbling down that hill. Only a moment before we were kissing and I pushed him against the boulder. Only a moment before that I was shaking a wrinkly hand, receiving my piece of paper with a stamp.

What. The only word that could really describe my state. Confusion, disbelief, and fear. Fear of going back. Without him dead. Four years on this mission. And I've failed. Why couldn't I have done it sooner? Why wait until Graduation? Now, with everything I know, and everything that's happened, I can't think of a very good reason besides minor inconveniences.

How. How can I go back? Instead of a story of heroism or duty, mine will be a tale of shame and failure. I had my chance. And I lost it. What will I be now? A mere shadow behind my siblings. My chance at honor is gone. Because I tripped on a stone. Or a stick. I can't quite remember. Not that it matters. Nothing matters now. Everything I would be. Everything I could be. Everything I could have. Riding on this one mission. This one thing. Which decided my entire fate. My entire being as a person. Cadrian.

I'm panicking. My heart is racing. Ears ringing. My hands are trembling. Eyes watering. I can hear my heavy breathing over the roar inside my head.

"Kendra, are you okay?"

I can barely hear her. Her words drowned out with my worries.

She rushes out of the room and the world goes black once more. This time I don't fight it. I don't resist. What's the point? For even if this is death, I don't mind. I have no fire. No desire. There is no purpose.