16. At whatever cost

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I’m officially the dumbest eighteen years old on this planet.

I kissed Adam briefly when I already realized what I just did and pulled away again. I felt like throwing up, realizing that I was probably giving away everything we were trying to hide. Just because I couldn’t stop myself in that moment, being overwhelmed from the news Adam just told me. But that wasn’t an excuse. I just risked our whole relationship but…

…luckily: no one was in the hallway anymore. The lesson had already started so everyone already went to class. When I looked around and noticed that I took a deep relieved breath before turning back to Adam.

“Sorry.” I mumbled.

“I’m sure no one saw that.” He answered, looking around as well.

“Never gonna happen again.” I blinked a few times, trying to make it clear in my head. If just one person, no matter if student, teacher or anyone else, would have passed us in this hallway in that moment, we would be in a lot of trouble. I mean I didn’t really care about myself but Adam’s teaching career would be over before it had even really started.

“Go to class now, you’re already late.” He chuckled and smiled. I just nodded, turning around and heading to class.

It really pissed me off that I couldn’t kiss my boyfriend in school. Or anywhere.Why were student-teacher relationships illegal? It was still love, wasn’t it? Just because he was my teacher doesn’t mean I couldn’t love him as much as I would if he wasn’t. That’s just his job, but that doesn’t change anything. Why couldn’t people just see it the way I did? Our relationship was going to be one hell of a ride, that I knew for sure, but I also knew that I would take it all if I could stay with him.

This day passed by quite quickly. Since Alex and his friends had to transfer school the days became so much more relax. I mean… no one was still even looking at me. No one wanted to talk to me. No one wanted to be near me. Everyone still despised me. For whatever reason. I will never fully understand what I did to deserve to be the most hated student on this school, but it’s something I got used to.

I always came to terms with this when I sat in the cafeteria alone, looking around and seeing everyone else surrounded by their friends. It sometimes would be great to have someone to talk to in situations like this. I mean I had Adam, but I could never do anything like that with him. People would just spread rumors. And there were already enough rumors about me.

I remember when people were thinking that I raped that one guy, who was one year younger than me and a new student too. When I first arrived at this school I still tried to make friends and since he was a new student too we were getting along very well. But from day one people were thinking nothing but the worst about me and after a while they started to think that I just took advantage of him. And he said I really did, enjoying the attention he got from everyone. I mean he got sympathy for being my ‘victim’? That was when the hate towards me started. He luckily had to leave the school again so people didn’t really care about that anymore, but that was just the start of so many more things that cursed me to have nightmares.

I hated being lonely. And looking around and see everyone ignoring you makes it even worse. I hated being invisible.

Being alone had some advantages though. I got to think about so many things and I sometimes really enjoyed the silence. It was kind of calm every time when I sat on my seat in the cafeteria. Far away from anyone so I wouldn’t disturb anyone and no one could insult me. Or could do even worse things. And yes, I was still trying to tell me that it wasn’t that bad to have no friends in school when it actually was more than bad. It was horrible. But I was just trying to make the last months of this okay for myself. Now that Alex and his friends were gone I could actually enjoy the life of a student, right? I mean, if you could call it ‘enjoy’ when you walk through the hallway and you’re either invisible for everyone or everyone is talking about you and is insulting you. There is no in between. But at least the beatings found an end. Hopefully forever.

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