That Night.

Chapter Twenty Three

I'm terrified. And worried. And sad. And angry. And happy. And all of these things that don't mix well, so now I'm a big emotional mess and I don't know what to feel or when or how. 

We're moving out of Hogwarts, because school ends in two days, which means I'm leaving the only home I've ever really known for three months, which is always sad. Me and Severus have to go talk to Sirius later today to make sure he understands I'm staying with Severus. I just feel off.

Sev is reading on the couch, taking a break, and my room is all packed now except a few clothing items and my bat and the stuff on my bed, so I go to join him. I take my usual spot. Laying down, head in his lap.

"Are you worried?"

"Worried? Me? Never."

"Liar."

"Okay, fine, I'm a bit worried. But I'll be fine. Right?"

"Of course."

"You don't think he'll try, do you? To take me? What if he doesn't listen to you?" I lied, I'm worried, duh! "If he brought it up with the Ministry, would he get me?"

"No, no, no, and no."

"I don't want to leave."

"You won't have to. I swear to it. Lets not talk about that, how about we talk about your appointment. What did he say? Was it okay without me there?"

"It was. Again." It has been for a while. "He asked about the nightmares. They're getting a lot better. He says soon I shouldn't have to take anything for them anymore. He thinks my depression and anxiety's getting better, but not... healed? I dunno."

"That's good." He puts the book down. "Anything else?"

"Yeah... Um... He... We talked about... When it happens. How I'm really uncomfortable. It just... it makes me feel gross and it doesn't stop happening." Yuck.

"I'm sorry, I wish I could make it stop... Maybe... I have some good news?" He offers. 

"Hmm?"

"You won't have to testify for Dumbledore... I argued it'd be horrible for your mental health, which it would be, and they said you don't have to. He can't call you."

"That's good."

"Yeah. He's going away for a long time, when this is over."

"Good. He deserves it."

"Yes, he does."

After a while, the clock chimes, meaning it's four, meaning it's time to go see Sirius.

"You're gonna be fine."

"I know."

"He'll listen to you and Remus."

"I know."

"Don't worry."

"I know."

"STop saying I know for everything, shorty."

"Not a shorty!"

We get to Remus' office, where we're having this little discussion. Sirius and Remus are, of course, already there. 

"Hello again, Harry," Sirius says.

"Hey, Harry, Severus."

We sit down. "So... Harry, I was supposed to... Have custody when you were a baby," Sirius says.

"I know. But... I don't want that."

"Bu-"

"I like living with Severus. I... I'm sorry, but..."

"Sirius, don't do anything stupid-" Remus mumbles. 

"He's Snivellus!" I hear him whisper back.

"And he's helped Harry through more than you know."

Of course he wants me. Or, to take care of me. Be my guardian. Whatever. He isn't going to listen if he's still holding a grudge, he'll take me and everything will be shit because everything is always shit.

"I want to stay with Severus," I mumble. "Please. I know you're my Godfather and I knew you'd want to be my guardian or whatever but it isn't what I want. It should be my decision, and I'm deciding to stay with Severus."

He frowns. 

I want to leave.

"I'm still your godson," I say. "But I can't be your son - legally, or whatever."

"Harry, I think Sirius understands. Maybe you should go back to your quarters, finish packing," Severus says. 

Translation: Someone's gonna die and they don't want me as a witness. 

Which, I'm okay with, so I leave. I guess I can finish painting or something. I like throwing things, and paint doesn't break anything, so... I throw paint at the canvas until it makes something.

Severus said my last one looked like a murder scene, which I took to be a compliment. 

So when I get to our quarters I take out my stuff, put on a different shirt, and start throwing the shit like mad. It really is calming. This one's most blue and black with a bit of purple and red. I think it's sort of pretty. Better than the shit one I did of an ugly flower. Back when I used the brushes.

Yeah. It's pretty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So... What did Sirius say?" I ask while we eat dinner. 

"He won't try anything stupid," Sev responds. "Unless he wants to end up in an early grave."

Gee, 'cause that's bloody reassuring.

"Which means-"

"He hates me, I dislike him, he doesn't want you to live with me, but if it's what you want he'll go with it as long as I don't... What did he say... Ah, yes, make you utterly despise him and want him to burn in the pits of hell."

Lovely. 

"Do I have to see him if I don't want to?"

"No. And he knows that, so he won't do anything." He takes his plate and sets it in the sink. "I'm going to go change. When you're done eating, find your shoes. We're going somewhere."

"Where?"

"You choose, I dunno yet."

I like it when we go somewhere random. It's fun.

Where to this time?

I put my plate in the sink and grab a candy bar from the cabinet. Maybe we should go to a beach or something. I could learn how to swim before I go with Ron and his family. 

No, it's too late for that. Let's just go see a film and get ice cream. That's always fun. 

"Where're we going?"

"Film."

"I don't think anything good came out recently. Want to go to the house and pick something out?"

"Yeah, that sounds nice. Can we go get-"

"Ice cream first? Obviously. We'll go to the store. I'll get the ice cream, you get toppings."

"Okay."

We Floo to Hogsmeade before Apparating to a supermarket. Since I'm thirteen, and have been given unlimited options, I grab a trolley, and get about every single ice cream topping imaginable. 

"Harry, that's a lot of shit," Severus says when I find him.

"You gave me no limits," I say. 

"And of course you took advantage of that." He's smiling, though. "Let's go pay."

We Apparate back home. I choose a Disney movie. We make huge messes out of ice cream and toppings and eat it on the couch while we watch it. 

I think I'm okay now.