A Court of Song and Shadow

Chapter 48

"I am sorry." I say, still laughing, he turns to face me again, our eyes locking. "I just do not know what to do right now."

"Neither do I, but deciding to laugh was not an idea that even crossed my mine." He says lowly, but a small smile begins to form on his face.

"We might die tomorrow." I laugh again, and now concern is written all over his beautiful face. My laughter turns to tears, " I can't lose anyone else."

Az looks at me for a moment before placing a hand on my cheek and using his thumb to wipe away my tears, I lean into his scarred hand as he says, "You won't lose anybody else, Velaris, I promise you."

"You can't make a promise like that, Az." I whisper, closing my eyes. He takes his hand and places it under my chin and makes me look at him.

"I will not allow that to happen." He says to me, and I want to believe him. The gods know that I do, but I know not even he can stop death. I learned that with the Valkyrie, my heart tightens at the thought of them. "Why did you come here tonight?"

I am caught off guard by his question, "Because you--" I cut myself off, I was getting ready to tell him that he was my mate but I could not do that to him right now. "Because I have a lot of regrets in my life, Az, and I did not want not being able to be with you to be on that list of regrets."

"Why?" He asks.

I so badly wanted to tell him, that we were literally made for one another, but I could not--not now. So I tell him the most truth I can offer without telling him that we are mates.

"Because not being able to tell you how I feel was not something I could live--or die--without letting you know." I tell him, and he raises his eyebrows at me with an expression that says well we did not really talk that much, "That is why I originally came in here-- just to talk, and then I saw you in here shirtless, and--well" I cut myself because we both know what happened after that.

Now I do not think I even want to know how he feels, I do not know what would be worse, him having the same feelings as me or him using me as a distraction from the upcoming battle tomorrow. He begins to open his mouth to speak, and it was most likely him either telling me what feelings he has for me or saying this was just sex and nothing more. I quickly cover his mouth with my hand and he lets out a surprised laugh.

"Say whatever you need to say after the battle tomorrow." I tell him, he gently pulls my hand away from his mouth.

"So you can march in here to confess your feelings for me because you are scared that one of us will die tomorrow but the moment I try to-- you tell me to wait." He asks, his shadows seem to dance in anticipation of my answer.

"Precisely." I smile as my heart tugs at his words, he said enough for me to understand what he was going to say; that he was going to confess his feelings for me. This is the most we have talked in years and I feel like I have opened up a whole new side to Az-- well, I did, physically-- but mentally too. I look back to the ceiling, deciding whether or not to go back to my tent, I need the sleep but I know I will not be able to sleep, between the nightmares and the upcoming battle--

"You can stay here tonight, if you want to. I know how they are." He says quietly to me, I look back to him with my brows lowered, "The nightmares-- I know how bad they can be, especially when you are alone."

Because he spent the first decade of his life alone.

"How did you know?" I ask, I had not told anybody about the nightmares, and nobody else has asked.

"After what happened with the Valkyrie--" He pauses at the name and squeezes my hand he was still holding, "I will never understand the pain of how you feel from losing them, but I know that type of pain has to cause nightmares."

Another tear slides down my cheek as my chest tightens at the mention of them, I have not talked to anybody else about them-- Rhys had tried but I shut him down. I know Mor has wanted to talk to me about it but she is giving me space and Cass-- Cass is still grieving Tanwyn, maybe as much as I was.

"And even with your shields up--my shadows can hear your screams." He whispers, and I look to his shadows, floating above us and I narrow my eyes at them.

"Snitches." I say, and Az chuckles as they begin to dance again.

"It helps-- being with another person." He says, and I wonder how he knows that. My heart clenches of the thought of him sleeping beside other women--which I know he has but sleeping beside them so he does not have nightmare... Az must be able to tell what I am thinking.

"I do not mean it like that," He explains, "After I found Rhys and Cass as children, we all slept in the same room and the nightmares subsided almost immediately."

"They went away?"

"No, not fully." He removes his hand from mine as he remembers the scars on his hands and what had happened to him, "They are still there, and will always be there but it helps." He clenches his fists as if he could hide the scars that lay there. I lean up on my side and lean over him as I take his hand back in mine.

"If I could go back and save you from going through what you went through, and kill those bastard brothers of yours, I would not hesitate to, but do not ever forget that these--" I look down at his hands and trace the outlines of his scars as I feel a shiver go through him. "--are nothing to be ashamed of, and they are beautiful. Every single part of you--mind and body--is beautiful, Az." When he does not answer and just stares at my hand interwined with his, I continue, "I know you think they show your weakness, but I think that may be the only thing you have ever been wrong about. These scars show your strength, and your journey and that you got out."

"Velaris--"

"You got out, Az, and you will never have to be alone again." I say, and he looks at me sadly, knowing why I am saying these things. Because no matter what happens tomorrow, if we live or die, I am going to be sent away and married off to become the lady of a court I will never feel at home in. I am getting out of one prison just to be sent to another, and now I will be the one that's alone. Even if I know my family is out there, my father will never allow them to visit, and neither will that bastard Tallisan. Because apparently my plan had failed because we were informed that the Spring Court has marched with us and plans to fight alongside us tomorrow. The only person I can see as my only true friend in the Spring Court is Tamlin.

"We will find a way for you to not be sent away, Rhys will find a way--" Az says, and I just give him a sad smile.

"As long as we all make it through tomorrow, I do not care if I was sent to marry the King of Hybern himself, as long as I do not lose any of you."

Az seems at a loss for words as I lay back next to him, he wraps his arm around me as I wrap my arm around the middle of his abdomen. I rest my head on his shoulder as I say, "I think tonight would be a good night to not have any nightmares."

"It is." He replies and plants a kiss on my forehead, my heart tightens at the action. He pulls his blanket over us as I feel myself drifting to sleep; which has not happened so easily in weeks, ever since I left home and I soon realize why--because that is where I was right now, in his arms.

Home.