~ Fray's POV ~
"I'm not myself right now." I shook my head, staring at the corner of the table. "I'm feeling out of tune with who im supposed to be." The events of the night before replaying in my head.
"Hmm.." She hummed.
I felt like tucking my tail from the world. I was riddled with guilt, and I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hadn't left the apartment for work. I was waiting here for cops to come knocking at my door sometime soon. I was ready to be dragged out in cuffs. It wouldn't have been a first, but they never came.
"Why do you feel like that, Fray?" she asked calmly, and that's what I loved about Tab. Out of all my siblings, she had her way of staying leveled. She was spiritual like that—she wore neutral colors, studied crystals, locced her hair, and smoked banga all day.
A day had turned to two, then four, and before I knew it, it was another week.
"I can't talk about it." I offered instead of lying to her.
She gave me a look before shrugging her shoulders and lighting her joint. "Well," She puffed out some smoke. "when you can, you know I'm here for you, bugga." I smiled slightly at the use of my childhood nickname.
I always really appreciated talking to Tabatha, and I enjoyed her respecting my boundaries.
~~~~~
I concluded I needed to keep my head down and altogether avoid her...
It was easy to see that when we usually saw each other, it was when she was helping me get into my apartment after a fight. Since I wouldn't be fighting for a while, all I had to do was leave before or after her.
It was a lot, I know. But in actuality, what do you do when you accidentally choke someone?
One early morning, I heard her arguing with a man. My instincts kicked in, and I rushed to the door. It was not until I listened to the context of the argument that I stopped myself from leaving the apartment.
My heart sank hearing them argue about the bruising along her neck. I was the one to have caused it. I've always sworn never to touch someone who never deserved it. Fight club was one thing, but this was just straight wrong. I should turn myself in.
While listening, I heard her complain about missing out on her coffee because she was up too early; the following day, I woke up earlier than planned and treated her to coffee, leaving it at a small, dingy table next to her apartment door.
I was desperate, and I was guilty. It was the least I could do, I thought.
What else could I do? Going up to her and saying, 'Hey, sorry for choking you in my sleep, I didn't mean to. I have a lot of issues that I'm going through.' didn't seem enough.
~~~~~
I was immersed in guilt and a lot of self-reflection. I'd wondered if her boyfriend wanted to kill me...if she were my girl in this situation, I'd have to commit murder.
Something about the stress of this triggered me. I'd find myself reading the Bible. 'In Him, we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.'
I sat back on my couch.
That night, I'd been dreaming once again. I was reliving my childhood. It wasn't the best, having been abandoned by my parents for a permanent vacation in Vegas and living with an uncle who participated in the art of trafficking and a list of other unspeakable things. To say I experienced things no child should know was the short answer. Those experiences still affected me in my adult life.
