How that night ended is mostly a blur, between the tears streaming down my cheeks and the regret I felt for my actions I had hardly a second to process what was happening.
I remember us getting of the boat, Natasha calling a cab and Arlie trying to figure out what the hell had gone on. Now of course she'd heard everything and was completely confused by the things she had learnt.
She'd come back to my place with me after and stayed the night, she's still here now, making breakfast for the two of us.
"Y/N I know you're not in the mood for talking but you have to explain what's going on." She nags.
"Arlie please give it a rest you've been going on at me all morning." I groan.
"Yes, because you were bawling your eyes out, over a girl you hardly know, on a fake date that aimed to get information. Which by the way, we got, so what the hell were you so upset for?"
"Please don't pretend like you weren't listening." I sigh.
"I know you kissed her, and I know that wasn't the first time and I want to believe that it was all for the job but Y/N you have feelings for her... don't you? I'm just trying to make sense of all of this."
"I don't know what I feel for her."
"We have to hand the information over to Davies, I can edit the audio, I can delete the last part. He doesn't have to know but you've got to get over her Y/N this is beyond inappropriate." She explains.
"You were the one making all the jokes about me liking her!" I shout at her.
"They were just that, jokes... I didn't actually mean any of it." She shouts back.
I know I'm taking my anger out on her when the person I'm actually mad at its myself but right now rational behaviour is something I'm incapable of. How did I manage to mess up this badly?
I caught feelings for her.
I kissed her, which jeopardised my job.
I hurt her.
But of all of them, the fact I hurt her bothers me more because in the grand scheme of things a job is a job, there will always be more, but there will only ever be one of her.
Do I really want to throw away the life I've worked so hard to get for Natasha, a girl I hardly know, one I know can't trust?
I wish I could sit here and rationalise the feelings that are waiting burst from within me, but I can't because every inch of my body is begging me to get in my car, drive to her house and beg for her forgiveness.
Somewhere along the way my feelings for her grew astronomically, they spiralled out of control and all I know right now, at this moment, is I want her.
"I'm sorry Arlie but I have to go, lock up and leave the key under the mat." I rush the closet grabbing a jacket and some shoes.
"Where are you going?" she asks while I quickly slip my shoes on.
"We have to talk about this. I have to tell Davies!" She shouts as I walk out the door.
In the car.
All of it happening faster than I could understand, my thoughts running wild. I bang my fists against her door. "Natasha, I know you know I'm here." I shout after no response to my knocking.
"Please let me talk... please!" My breathing ragged as the blood pumps through my vines harshly, straining on my heart.
"Go away Y/N." I hear over the intercom.