March 3rd, 2014

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It pains me to write this letter, but it's time for me to tell my side. It's time to let it all out. I just found out that Lila (my wife & my first love) cheated on my with the same man I found her in bed with years ago. How did I find her in bed with this man?

You may be asking that question. You may already know. Lila left me at the end of our senior year in high school. She disappeared after a traumatic day at school. She left me with a goodbye note. I spiraled out of control. I lost my head.

After failed attempts of suicide, I visit her cousin in Chiacgo, Marissa. I've known her since I've known Lila, so we were no strangers. We grew a special bond after the death of her little brother. She started using drugs and self harming.

She was a lovely girl and I couldn't bare seeing her hurt herself. I stepped in as a mentor for her, because I knew what she was going through. I wanted to help her through it the best way that I could. I spent the summer with her and began to grow feelings for her. I loved her and I still do.

Trust me, I wanted to be with her, but something was holding me back. My life was destructive and I didn't want to drag her into it. I didn't want her to be the victim of my life choices. She wasn't perfect, but she was to me. I saw her as an angel. With all the bad I've done, I didn't deserve someone like her. I saw myself as a demon. Later on to turn into the devil himself.

I know Marissa loved me too, but she wouldn't allow herself to be with me, because she saw me as her cousin's man. She felt as if she was deceiving her cousin by growing close to me, so she pushed me away a few days after we shared our first kiss.

Sometimes, I wish this kiss never happened, because I would of had more time to spend with her. Then again, I'm glad it happened, because I was yearning it for so long. The day I was leaving, my friend August was arrested for possession. I shot a cop to get away. Marissa promised to always have my back and she is one to keep her word.

I ran to her house and she helped me further. The day before this, she helped get rid of sketches and files on me. She took them from the police department. Her father was a cop and he had her to run in for something. She grabbed them and gave them to me. I burned them that night.

Marissa and I promised to keep this summer between us. I always wondered how things would have turned out for us if we didn't have our own conscious' holding us back. I left Chicago and went back home to Vegas. Now, it was time to find Lila like Marissa wanted me too.

I went back because Marissa told me to, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't want to see Lila again. I was still in love with her, but at the same time I wanted to forget her and move on. I loved her cousin too, I was conflicted, confused, vengeful. I received info from these twins on Lila's whereabouts.

I went to LA and found her. The sight of her sent me over the edge. I did things I regret. I did things that continue to haunt me, even in my afterlife. I guess that was the rampage Marissa warned me about.

Even through the hell I put Lila through I got her back, but something wasn't right. I ignored those signs, because I accomplished the goal Marissa set for me. My feelings for Lila came back, I fell deeper for her and I wasn't going to let anything tore us apart. One morning, Lila and I woke up to sounds around the house.

I told her to stay in the room as I went to check it out. The place was on fire and bodies laid around. I went back to the room to get her and get the hell out of there, but she was gone. The smell of burning flesh is so deeply rooted in my mind and nose. I can still smell it. At the time, I feared it was hers.

I have burns on my legs from running through the pyre. When I found her, she was in the arms of the man that killed my best friend. I thought I killed this man a long time ago, but I was sure to kill him this day ; not without him shooting Lila and sterilizing her. That's the moment Marissa's words rung in my head, holding her dying cousin in my arms.

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