JUST ANOTHER MONOLOGUE OF A MODERN KID

In The Middle Of Nowhere

                           

                                                   ' I lost myself while trying to please them...

                                                    Now I lost others while trying to find myself...'

She lived amidst a generation where this saying is a must happen in every new adult's life. They were not dead , they just lost life's breath. Deep inside where nothing was fine , they had lost themselves. They were lost in a life , while searching for the life lost in their feelings. They wanted to be everywhere.. they wanted to be everything their people felt them to be... But they failed to realize how being everywhere meant they were nowhere.

They were stuck in the past , the past where everything was quieter and prettier , the past where they were younger ; but while growing up to be THE ONE ... they lost themselves somewhere on the way.

She lived inside a void where people were too afraid to even trust a best friend , cause they were even more afraid of being left alone . She used to be sad , for these people , for herself who did not deserve to be treated like some CERTAIN OTHERS who broke their trusts.

She wasn't sad anymore.. She was just numb . There was safety in numbness. A certain relief , a strange comfort , away from the feeling of being deeply loved or intimately connected. There was just so much going on ; around her .. inside of her... It was so much that she did not know how to feel those anymore.

Who was She? —

An 18-year old grown up enough to shoulder social responsibilities?

A young adult new to the rules of the world and far too inexperienced to be released into the social cage?

A pursuer who did not know what to hold on to , to be HAPPY?

She did not know how to find herself , the one hidden deep inside . She did not know who She was IS.

People were far too busy staying in relationships that would not work. They lost themselves in the process of making something wok which wasn't meant to be in the first place...

— How much more time were they going to spend in trying to BE HAPPY ?

She always asked out to that void around her. Void did not reply back. And that was what had always happened.

Nobody knew the answer as to why they were stuck in the middle. In a place where they neither had what they desired nor could they turn back and leave through the door happiness always kept open, for an exit from their uncertain affairs.

She was stuck in there too. Inside that void where she asked out and all she ever received was the echo of her own question. It just kept coming back. The echo never ends. Nobody answers... Neither the LOVER nor the LOVED.

Maybe the LOVED too was out there somewhere, loving someone who loved someone other. The chain never breaks.. maybe it does but the world had become too much of a melancholist to even have the interest to untie this mess they had gotten themselves into. They did not understand that they cannot find happiness in what they lost and in what was not for them...

Amidst this chaos , she found herself as a complete stranger. She wanted the world to be positive about their existence , that there is love in other people too. They could find affection if only once they just looked around with open arms. People out there were dying to embrace what they could not have , whereas there were tons more embraceable existences out there...

They sat with their anger for so long , but little did they know that her real name was GRIEF.

All of a sudden she felt so tired , as if the world had drained everything she had. Growing up and all was supposed to be so much fun. Just as she had a plan , a path where she felt like walking on , a place where she felt like she had to be ... The paths changed.. The signs changed.. The wind blew the opposite to where it was supposed to go.. The Sun changed to darkness and SHE WAS LOST.

IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE...Where she could not even describe who She was.

Its been so long since everything seemed to fit. She liked people who were introverts and wierdos , the loners , the eccentrics , the forgotten ; cause nonetheless at least these people had beautiful souls. They knew how to cherish something they got after hoping for nothing. They knew to keep someone by them , they knew how to be themselves.

She tried to be one too.. She hopes that she is one , she can be one .. But she was still learning how to go back and read her past chapters , without feeling like setting her entire book on fire. The past made her into who she was. The past had to happen for her to realize what she would possibly want and the present had to happen for her to realize what she could possibly hope for.

To others , She was just an eccentric who was beautifully out of place. They believed that she intended to be like that... Like the moon during the day.

But only She knew how it felt to be an eccentric like her which people around her found to be so beautiful. She was the type to fall in love with the Moon and everything that was so beautifully unreachable.

She was like the starlight to the people around her who shone even amongst the darkness that surrounded her. Amidst opinions on herself , she did not understand what really resembled her. She did not want to be like anyone , neither did she become one.. No one could ever relate her to anyone.

'She was her own example , the path to her own existence...' , the only sentence which people around her used to describe the care-free spirit. But little did they know that by being carefree she was only escaping from the fact that she did not know where to eventually end up in her own life.

' Aren't you ever hurt ?'

—' Must I be hurt ?'

She used to always counter-question.. But inside She always had an answer:

I buried my pain where no one could find it... But I am lost now... And I wonder did I bury myself too somewhere and now I'm the one who is failing to solve my own riddle..?

She was an old soul trapped in the 21st century. Never had She dealt with anything more difficult than her own soul. She never thought the situation can be like that. She waited for someone to rescue her; she waited for her numb soul to be moved. Believe me She tried. But she realized that it wasn't possible. It was all on her.

—It isn't just my time... I should just keep walking I guess..? I'll be alright. I always have been alright . I'll find myself somehow , somewhere ... Its really difficult to feel like this but my life is not over yet. I'll do it , I have to do it. For my sake....

" She lost herself in the trees, among the ever-changing leaves.

She wept beneath the wild sky , as the stars told stories of ancient times

The flowers grew towards her light , the river called her name at night.

She could not live an ordinary life with the mysteries of the universe

hidden in her eyes...."

~ Christy Anne Martine..