Shield

17.- Breaking Point

It wasn't until March that Nel's mask slowly began to crack. It was subtle at first, long silences, isolation, skipping school altogether. When she appeared in pajamas walking barefoot at Charlotte's house after 10 pm, Charlotte had made up her mind.
The night was loud with a merciless wind shaking the treetops, howling through corridors, rattling windowpanes, vibrating like the uneven flutter of broken hearts. Charlotte urged Nel inside before her parents noticed. Thank God she had texted instead of ringing the bell.
Nel's skin was cold, covered in goosebumps, her hair a dandelion fighting against a temperamentally blown wish. She was speechless, her bottom lip swollen and bloody imprinted by her teeth. Scratching restlessly at a scab, where her nails had clawed through her skin repeatedly it could not heal.
Charlotte wrapped Nel in a blanket hugging her tightly. With Nel secured in her arms, Charlotte, not Nel, began to sob. "Please" she begged rocking Nel softly, thick tears rolling down her face in a steady stream. "Please, just talk to me".
Nel stared straight ahead, now and then dropping her gaze to the floor.
"What can I do? Just... just tell me what to do," Charlotte pleaded in a whisper, her voice choked, small by her crying "Oh Nel, what should I do?"
Nel shook her head slowly wrapping her arms around Charlotte's neck burying her face in Charlotte's chest. It was warm. Her heartbeat was as loud as the wind that refused to die down, thunderous, and alive.
Charlotte cried them both to sleep.
When her parents came knocking on her bedroom door after noon, Charlotte invented an excuse for forgetting to mention a sleepover. She only left Nel alone to fetch some food and the first aid kit.
She asked her parents for privacy, and Nel was upset. She had fought with her boyfriend; she was crying and "stuff" you know "teenage drama".
Charlotte cleaned Nel's wounds and abrasions covering them with oversized gauze to prevent scratching or picking them open again. She soaked Nel's feet in a bucket filled with warm water and salt, she tenderly brushed her hair into place, every act done meticulously with lovely devoted care.
Nel hadn't said a word but listened intently to Charlotte, who filled the silence with casual conversation or witty observations. She talked about Shun, the school council, a guy she had been texting, her parents, her plans. Nel would nod or shrug, shake her head, or roll her eyes.
Nell turned to face Charlotte, in the blue shadows cast in the room, charlottes eyes gleamed with love and youth behind her Golden frames.
There was a soft stillness that seemed to accompany Charlotte, glide with her as a soft veil of comfort.
Cupping her cheek in her hand Nel kissed her lips, they tasted of sweet lip balm and felt warm.
Charlotte pushed on Nel's stomach, moving her head back, and away from her.
"Nel..." she said, calmly "I know you love me, but you don't love me like that" Her voice was nothing more than a whisper in a night destined to be buried under the comfort of youth.
Nel inched forward, resting her forehead on Charlotte's shoulder, and sighed, Charlotte caressed her head gently "I know it's hard for you to show it, this is the only form of love you know, the only shape..." Charlotte sighed as well "We will get through this, you don't have to say anything, I have you, I know"
Nel wrapped her arms around her waist and Charlotte felt the physical apology, feeling ashamed and again she stroked the back of her head moving down the nape of her neck "I'm not going anywhere" and Nell nodded against her.
Something inside her relaxed and she moved away from her friend, even if she was able of speaking at this moment Nel knew no words would come out, Charlotte had understood her better than her words could express.
And that night the silence belonged.
At dinner time, Charlotte's father called them down to the living room to sit at the dining table, when asked if she could manage Nel nodded reassuringly. Charlotte took hold of her hand guiding her downstairs. She didn't let go even after they began to eat, squeezing it often for comfort.
Charlotte's parents were nice, they tried to talk with Nel with no result other than small tight smiles or nodding.
"She's shy," Charlotte said and Nel nodded again avoiding eye contact.
Even though Charlotte insisted Nel wait upstairs, Nel still helped with the dishes, Charlotte's father patted her twice on the back saying, "Damn boys! Can't live with them, can't live without them huh?" giving her a wide friendly grin.
Nel nodded with a shrug. Panicking, Charlotte rushed her upstairs when she saw Nel's fists tightening slightly at her sides.
Nel had let her phone battery die, noticing Charlotte plugged it in distractedly. The moment it turned on, a call from Sammi came through. They both froze for a moment, staring at the name on the screen.
"Should I answer?" Charlotte asked and Nel began chewing on her lip again, not looking away.
"Should I?" Charlotte asked again, Nel nodded unwillingly, closing her eyes, shoulders slumping forward in defeat.
"Hello?" Charlotte said hesitantly.
"Who is this?" a frantic voice demanded.
"Charlotte," she responded a bit shy.
"Thank god! Nel's with you? Put her on the phone!" Sammi relaxed a bit on the other side of the line.
"She's ... in the bathroom..." Charlotte said, inventing a lame excuse, Nel sighed.
"Ok..." Sammi said. "Tell her to call me when she's out. Where are you? I'm on my way right now" Charlotte heard the distinct sound of a car door opening and closing. When there was no answer Sammi asked, "Charlotte? You there?"
"Yes," Charlotte answered in a small voice.
"So?" Sammi urged. "I don't have time to play around. Where are you?" Sammi's voice grew angrier with each word "She is at your house, isn't she?"
Nel stretched out her hand, Charlotte handed her the phone. Nel put it on speaker.
"Charlotte," Sammi bargained, realizing she did not want to answer, "I'm not mad. Nel's not in trouble. We're just... worried."
Charlotte's eyes were glued to Nel and her reactions.
"Oli, Milo, and I have been- "Sammi began. Nel hung up without a sound but a troubled expression and confirmed her location to Sammi, she knew she did her homework.
Charlotte stood there, frozen in place, her eyes wide and watery, her bottom lip quivering, trying not to cry.
Nel smiled a sad little smile. She took both of Charlotte's tightly clenched fists into her hands resting them on her chest, hugging Charlotte tight.
"It's ok," Nel said in a soft soothing voice, that lingered in the air like fog, suffocating her friend. "This was nice," Nel continued, Charlotte's body began to shake as she cried silently. "I will see you on Monday, ok?" Nel let go of Charlotte as she walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind her.
"Fuck," Charlotte panted sitting down heavily on the bed, covering her mouth. She buried her whole face in her hands and couldn't stop crying. Her chest was a tight, heavy block, her stomach trapped in a burning rage of impotent sorrow. She was choking, in over her head, knowing the painful reality of a normal person venturing into a world they did not understand.
Nel slipped out unseen and sat on the sidewalk, crossed-legged, dressed from head to toe in her best friends' clothes, still barefoot. A more benevolent breeze passed her by, filling her lungs with the fleeting feeling of a dying winter.
As she waited, head hung low, inspecting the pavement, she tried to remember every detail of that weekend, of that home. She silently promised herself she would never set foot there again.