Hero

Chapter Thirty One

x.TRIGGER WARNING: this isn't really a trigger warning but the thoughts in this chapter may be triggering to some people. Please if you have some of the same thoughts message me and we can talk.x

I wiped the burning hot tears and mascara streaks from my face with the back of my already wet hand and willed myself to stop the steady heaves that ripped through my aching and empty body. With a hard gulp of dry air I was able to calm myself down enough to focus on the two bottle of antidepressants and one bottle of pain killers on the bathroom sink in front of me. They stood in a line of three, standing proudly and promising me with sweet release. It would be so easy to end it all now. To take away this eternal pain and emptiness I've been feeling for so long. Just taking a handful from each bottle and go to sleep, and that's all it would take. No more pain and struggling. No more.

I lined up the bottled and opened each one. My eyes looked up into the medicine cabinet mirror. I seemed to appear more of a woman in an old time mental institute rather than a woman who just went through a miscarriage and argument with her fiancee. My baby. I put my hand instinctively over my now empty womb and could almost feel the pit that was swallowing me alive.

I filled a little cup with water from the sink and took a small sip before putting it back down. What's the point of doing this anymore. Carefully, I dumped each of the pill bottles out onto the sinks edge. The love of my life hates me. I separated the different colored pills into piles and scooped them up in one hand. I'm not going to get my baby, it died. I placed the handful of pills into my mouth and took a swig of water chasing them down. I don't belong here anymore. I have nothing left.

I sat on the floor in a fit of sobs the pit in my stomach reaching deeper depths than before. No, I can't do this. I crawled and bent over the toilet. Taking a deep breath I shoved my fingers down my throat.

I vomited until I couldn't anymore, until I didn't feel the poison in my body anymore. Before I changed my mind again I scooped up all the pilles and dropped them into the toilet and gave it the final flush and watched my only chance of escaping swirl down the toilet.

I stood up from the floor leaving a small part of me behind and looked into the mirror again. Disgusted by what I saw, I felt my fist come in contact with the cold hard reflection shattering the glass everywhere. I moved away and entangled my bloody hand into my hair I pulled and let a scream tear through my throat.

I left the bathroom in a panic. Our house was empty. Ronnie hadn't come home for two nights after the fight nor had he tried to contact me. I felt the bitter sting of regret and worry all over my body. If I hasn't said what I did, I wouldn't be alone right now. I would have him by my side. But what I said was the truth and I know it and I'm sure he knows it somewhere in that thick and stubborn head of his.

I sat down on the couch and pulled my knees to my chest until I was just as little as I felt. The news was on tv. The reporter was interviewing some lady on the street about the homeless man that was murdered a couple days ago. And all I could think was at least he's lucky he's not cold and hungry anymore.

I sighed and got up from the couch moving into the kitchen. I sat down on the pulled out chair at the island where in front of me sat my notebook with wedding plans all over it. I picked up the pen and began to doodle mindlessly all over it before I wrote out I can't do this anymore.

I dropped the pen, grabbed my car keys, and left, leaving for the first time in a month on my own and leaving the door cracked open behind me.

***

I sat in my car at a red light bobbing my head and singing along to Of Mice And Men's album "The Flood". I needed to get out for a little while. Get a drink and relax. I wished I could call Kate but I knew she wouldn't answer after me totally ignoring her once again for the month of my depression.