Copyright 2015 Chris Smith All rights reserved.
I called the Doc's office first thing in the morning to see about an appointment. I could feel myself slipping and refused to allow negativity to get a tighter grip.
I was going to bring out the Big Guns, aka the Doc. I knew of no other solution that would help me resolve and rebalance myself as quickly as the treatments I received at the Doc's office. He was THE MEDICINE MAN in my life.
Dad had his weekly veteran therapy group again. Boy did he need it! He was acting all anxious. At least with group he could talk openly about what was going on and not have to worry about being judged.
The man was barely keeping his head above water. He was just one guy, dealing with the huge mess of stuff that kept compounding on top of him. I wondered if he felt like the ceiling was caving in.
Mom was running late, big surprise, picking me up for the Doc's appointment. She had been moving her plants at the A-Frame onto Parcel B's boundary line, just a few feet away. She had more plants than she realized so it had taken more time.
When she finally picked me up she had forgotten her computer. We were going to make our daily trip to the coffee shop for internet after the appointment. She had to run back to the Glass House, which made us doubly late in leaving. I waited by my front door for her to come back. I was irritated.
I had been in the car mere seconds and she started in on one of her Episodes. My whole body was on fire. I couldn't fucking take it. I couldn't pay the price of one more of her Episodes. I had already paid a pretty high price, no thanks to either one of them and their daily emotional roller coasters.
"Stop the car," I said.
"Stop THE CAR," I said again.
"Because I'm getting out of the car," I replied, my voice calm and sure.
"You're not getting out of the car," she replied in a sarcastic tone.
The adrenaline rushed through me, hard. I had unsheathed my sword in an instant and called myself back from the broken edge to battle. A simple irritation turned into the fire that fueled me.
The nerve! She thought she could just spew more shit on me. She thought I was going to sit there and be her punching bag again. But today, she was wrong. I wasn't going to take it anymore!
"Yes, I AM," I replied.
Then I did something neither one of us expected. I opened up the passenger door and stuck my leg outside of a moving vehicle. I was getting out of the car. If I died doing it, I was getting the fuck out of the car! Nothing she said or did was going to convince me to stay.
I wanted to scream to the empty sky, "NO FUCKING MORE. I WILL NOT TAKE THIS SHIT ANY FUCKING MORE!"
She stopped the car. I jumped out and stood on the dirt road between the open car door and the car. I'd had it! I was through.
"Mom, I can't do this. I can't do anymore of this. I can't be around this anymore. This is not helping me at all," I said.
My whole body was prepped for an all-out war. I could feel it. The rush of blood and the sound of my heart pumping was the only thing I heard. Fuck. I was shaking...again. Damn her.
I wanted to fight or run. Give me a bloody battle or a hard run to anywhere but here. I was ready to rage with my own Mom if that's what it took. I would do what I had to, to survive this fucking hellhole of a life. I was trying to hold on to the little slice of peace I had. But it was fucking slipping right through every finger I had. Everything in my life was a mess. But she didn't care. She thought only of herself once the emotions took over. How typical.
I didn't know what I was going to do. But I wasn't getting back in that car with the way things stood. I would have gotten out that car, moving or not. You can bet your bottom dollar on that fact!
"Okay," she said.
"I'm serious. I just can't do this anymore. I won't go," I told her.
"Okay. Okay," she said.
I got back in the car and she drove towards the Farm's front gate.
"I'm sorry I got upset," she said in a quiet voice.
Her mood had completely changed. She wasn't so high on her Episode Horse now. I was glad. The energy she emitted when she was in one of her moods, was toxic. I felt like I was swimming upstream trying to heal my body with all the negativity that surrounded me. I was breathing but I was suffocating on my life. It was killing me. It was killing all of us.
The car stopped again when it reached our gate. I got out to open the gate. My body was still shaking. I breathed deeply in and out as I watched her drive past me. I closed the gate and got back in the car.
I opened up my Code Book and started reading, hoping to calm myself down again and halt the trembling I felt. I had been waiting for the panic to hit me full on, but it hadn't. I was grateful and glad I just happened to have an appointment with the Doc.
"Wherever you go, go with all your heart."
Chinese Thinker, Social Philosopher
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