Speak [Narry]

Chapter 1

I don't know how to feel anymore. Should I love you? Should I hate you? Should I ignore you? Should I talk to you? I just don't know.

I don't know why I'm writing to you. You probably don't care anyways. You'll just ignore this and rip it up or throw it away after the first few words. What's the point? Well, I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to venture out my feelings in hope that I can save myself. I've heard writing can help you feel better. I used to do it. It used to make me feel numb. Well, if you're reading this, it didn't work. I'm dead.

Well, not yet. I will be. Don't bother to come looking for me, I've gone out to visit some people. Family members and such.

Harry blinked a few times, reading that last line over and over again. With the note in hand, he walked over to his bed, scooping up his phone, and clicking on a number he had awkwardly saved in my phone.

"Hello?" Mrs. Horan didn't bother looking at the caller I.D. She was reading a really interesting book and she wasn't really in the mood to be interrupted. She hoped this call was important.

"Hello, Mrs. Horan." Harry greeted. Maura frowned. Harry? "This is Harry. Erm, this is a bit weird to ask but, um, is Niall there?"

"Hmm?" Maura hummed in confusion, placing her book on her lap. "Why would he be here? He isn't with you?"

"Uh, no, he's not." Harry said awkwardly. "I-I'm not sure where he is. None of us are. L-look, it's hard to explain. Will you call me if he visits?"

"Oh," Mrs. Horan was beyond confused now, and a bit worried, but she didn't bother questioning Harry. "um, of course."

"Thank you." Harry hung up and threw his phone back on his bed. He almost picked it up again to call Niall, but that was a horribly stupid idea. Why would Niall pick up the phone at a time like this? And even if he did, what were the chances he'd tell Harry where he was? If anyone know Niall as much as Harry did, they'd know there was no stopping Niall when he wanted to do something. And, well, Niall obviously wanted to do this.

Harry blinked back the tears he hadn't realized were in his eyes and unfolded the note, picking up where he'd left off.

Anyways, tell the boys they'll find their notes in their room, just like you found yours. I didn't want to go like this, just up and leaving, but I couldn't take it anymore. Believe me, it wasn't just you. It was Zayn and Louis and Liam as well. It was my family and Simon and the fans and management. It was the haters and the crowds and the things people said. It was the fame and the performing and the and hiding. It was everything.

I guess it all just built up. Everyone dumped their secrets on me. Everyone told me everything, and I guess they expected me to help, but I couldn't. I kept all these secrets locked in my heart and eventually they all smeared together. It was impossible to keep them a secret anymore, so I finished myself.

I feel bad about this, I really do, but I have to tell you what you did. Like I said, I couldn't keep these secrets anymore. Besides, I'm not hurting anyone. You're all reading your own secrets anyways.

Harry paused.

Did Niall write to everyone? Did he tell everyone what they did to him? Harry asked himself. He shook his head. He would find out later. 

He continued reading.

Harry, I don't know if you meant to hurt me or not. I don't think you wanted me to hear half of the things you said. After all, you weren't saying them directly to me, but I'm gonna tell you what I heard.

First, I wanna say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for eavesdropping. I'm sorry for not walking away and letting you talk to the others in private. I feel bad, but at least you'll hate me when I'm dead, not when I'm alive.

Well, one night, I was going over to yours and Louis' flat to ask if you wanted to hang out. I called for you, but you didn't answer. I went to Louis' room. You and him were talking.

"I hate him." You said. "I wish he was never born. I wish he didn't exist. Maybe then I wouldn't feel this way. I wouldn't have to hate Niall, the fucker."

The thing is, you didn't swear often, barely at all. If you did, it was either you being funny or serious. I knew you weren't being funny, and if you were that serious about hating me, well, you must have really hated me.

I ran out of the flat as quickly as I could, just to get away from you. I don't think you heard me, and I was glad. I didn't want you to hear me. I didn't want you to know I was listening to you guys.

I've made a lot of mistakes that lead up to this. You were one of the smallest ones. Falling for you, that is. Falling in love with someone who hated me. You're probably thinking that it's kind of a big deal, you know, with romance and all, but I've made a lot of mistakes.

But I can't tell you - not that you'd care. Those involve me telling secrets, and I can't do that. I've only ever kept one secret for you, but I didn't tell anyone.

The secret I kept was that you were gay. You never ever ever told anyone, not even your family. And right after you told me you were gay is when you started hating me. Why? Well, I don't know. Maybe you realized it was a mistake telling me. Maybe you thought I would tell. Maybe you found out I loved you and you were disgusted with me. Was it showing in my eyes? Did I give off vibes? Did I touch you wrong?

Well, I guess I'll never know. I'll be dead before you can tell me - not that you would anyways.

You'll be the only person who ever knows why you started hating me, but I love you anyways. Forever xx

Harry flipped the piece of paper over, even though he knew the note started on the other side. Still, he flipped it over again and again, desperately searching for more. Something that would tell him where Niall was, something that would tell him what was going on, but nothing helped.

Harry let out a sigh and shoved the note under his pillow. His bit his lip. 

I have to find out what the others told him - what they did. Harry thought. I have to know what hurt Niall. I have to know if he told the others where he was going.

I have to know.