animal impulses. aizawa shōta

🕊 iii. you know my name

03.17.2021
end for notes.

chapter three,

This was a mistake. At first the offer of a date was so unexpected that Sasha didn't really think about accepting it before he already had, mind muddled with his previous depressive thoughts that the interaction was almost a daydream of what could be that he didn't hesitate to make it known he was interested. He wants to regret it, to believe all his claims about straying away from connections to make his death easier, if not unnoticeable, but he couldn't find himself to. He just couldn't regret it, how Aizawa made that pleased hum with a sweet smile, slowly turning into a smirk as he nods and saunters off. It was nice, the normalcy of it, as if Sasha didn't grow up isolated from relationships, or his school experience wasn't the most death threatening thing he's had to do, as if this was meant to happen.

Not even to mention the rest of the day... curious glances and flushed skin, gravitated towards each other like a magnet. It was the kind of thing that made life worth living and suddenly death seems so far away.

But it's not. Not for Sasha, not now.

He paces along his room, eyes unseeing as he ponders his entire existence, his feet already clad in fuzzy socks and tall platform boots from his work at UA he had just got back from and figured he would continue to wear to his date. Because he can't not go, that would crush Aizawa and their whole odd relationship, and then they'd be miles away from each other despite being in the same room. Aizawa doesn't talk about what's bothering him and neither does Sasha, they won't be able to problem solve this like functioning adults if Sasha breaks the trust. It's unfortunate but true, their relationship couldn't prosper with this big of a crack through it. Why is it so unfair to try to live even normally like any other person his age instead of cursing himself? Why is it so unfair to live?

He pushes the heel of his palms into his closed eyes, making a pitiful chirp from a frustrated emotion. Of course it's unfair, it always has been for him, ever since first year of school in his childhood and ever since he took the opportunity to have a quirk... the quirk that never came and instead created a monster. The hairs on his arms stand at the thought, something that had been happening more often when he's uncomfortable, and trails a hand through his freshly washed and dried hair that hangs just past his ears. He distracts himself and looks to his bed, clothing and outfits splayed out on the sheets to pick from, and might as well get this over with. Not that he's dreading it but he's absolutely terrified to be alone with Aizawa because he's definitely in love with him, and what if he transforms right then? During a nice dinner and suddenly he's a prehistoric animal? He can't hurt Aizawa but he can't avoid this encounter either.

Sasha sighs, all his emotions strung up on a loose thread. His fingers rake over multiple shirts from button-ups to band t-shirts that lay on his bedspread, and ultimately decides on a regular pure black shirt, his eyes still far away but not enough to lose himself. Going to his closet, he pulls out more jackets until he finds a deep green plaid pullover, though still can't stop overthinking and overwhelming. He's never been able to fully calm down, even with anxiety medications and anti-depressants, and though he's always lived like this, he can't think of anything worse to deal with, especially tonight. His hands spasm and twitch and his legs bounce and his heart beats too fast that the doctors always point it out, it's annoying to know he's not only homosexual but mentally ill. More so that he can't change it.