Stay (BoyxBoy) | Old Version

Twenty Six

I was such an asshole. I'd been such an asshole to Killian and there was no justification for it. Why didn't I just tell him who I was, who my parents were? I told everyone the truth except him and then claimed I loved him? That was not love. Even I knew that you didn't do that to a person you loved. I shouldn't have lied to him.

I should have told him the truth from the beginning. The look on his face when he saw my parents standing in front of our house and calling for him to come meet them haunted me still, I didn't think it would ever leave my mind.

The look on his face, in his eyes... it wasn't that of surprise or stupefaction; he just looked disappointed. Disappointed that I hadn't trusted him enough to tell him the truth about me when Kristen, Martin, and Nick knew. Even others who had no business knowing about it knew and soon, the entire school will too.

And I think that was what made my betrayal even worse.

I hated myself for it. I hated lying to him and for keeping that lie for so long. And for what reason? That he'd want to date me simply because of who my parents were? Yeah sure, the first time I had a good reason but there was no need for it go on. Sure he sold drugs, but I didn't care about that. I wanted him to get away from that part of his life and Killian knew that, but it still did not justify my lies. Since I'd known him and become his boyfriend, never once did Killian pretend to be someone he wasn't. I did that.

I was the one that pretended to be someone I'm not.

Killian never asked for anything from me. He never pretended with me. He asked me to be his boyfriend and didn't give a damn about how much money I had.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. I wanted to make it right with him but I had no idea how to. I had tried to call him many times but all my efforts ended up in his voicemail. I sent him many texts from the moment he left my house and was left on read until he probably couldn't take it anymore and switched off his phone.

I stared at my phone for a long time, almost angry with it for not giving me what I needed the most which was to talk to Killian. I was tempted to throw it at a wall just to rid myself of the anger and disappointment but I knew it wouldn't help. My face was hot with tears, and my pillow was wet but I couldn't find it in myself to change it. I wanted to stay in my bed and never leave because I couldn't bring myself to show up at Killian's after what I'd done to him.

He probably didn't even want to see me and that hurt more than anything. That I'll never be able to tell him how sorry I was. I wanted to make it up to him so badly but how could I get him to forgive me for all my lies. Even I couldn't forgive myself so how could I expect him to?

No matter how sad I was, I knew it couldn't amount to the hurt and pain that Killian was feeling. I could still see the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes until he had decided he had had enough and run from me. He didn't even wait for Wren to drive him home like I planned and instead, took off running as though he couldn't even stand to be with me.

And it hurt. Knowing that I was the one that had ruined our relationship hurt more than anything. Was this what heartbreak felt like? Or was this different since I was the one who caused it? I may have broken Killian's heart by lying to him and that realization brought even more tears to my eyes. I turned in bed and buried my face in the pillow, not caring that it got wet and stained my face.

I wanted to fall asleep, if only it could help me forget what I had done for some few hours but no matter how hard I tried, sleep evaded me. It also didn't help that the door to my opened just as I was forcing myself to sleep and I opened my eyes and turned to see my mom walking in. I groaned and turned again, burying my face in the pillow. I really did not want to speak with her or anyone for that matter. The only person I wanted to speak to was Killian.