i showed you my level of concern, but you walked by like you never heard

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okay, so i've felt dysphoria before, obviously. but for some reason it was so heightened today, I just felt so stressed and for some reason, it felt like my parents were misgendering more than usual today and it really fucking sucked. normally, i just try to forget about it and focus on something else but it was really in my face today and it caused a lot of sensory overload which sucked.

then i was remembering a lot of stuff from when i was younger that i repressed so far back (for various reasons, not all of the memories were negative) and i just couldn't handle it, i felt like crying so much.

today should have been happy, and it was for a little bit. but the moment i woke up this morning, i knew it was going to be a terrible day.

it was just too much for one day i guess. and everything is so frustrating, and it's really bothering me. i almost wish i'd never come out at all sometimes.

which reminds me, my mom told me that one time. she told me i never should have come out to her in the first place. i always try to brush things off, mainly the things she says to me, but that one has stuck with me for a long ass time. sometimes i'll think everyone in my family is finally starting to get it and reach some common ground with me. then they just do a complete 180 for some reason and make me wanna leave all over again. 

idk, i know i've been terrible in the past. but did it ever occur to them that i was acting out for a reason? i was constantly trying to change myself so i wouldn't feel like the kids at school would purposely leave me out, purposely choose me last, purposely make me the butt of the joke. i was constantly trying to change at home bc apparently i was a brat. so i was trying to accommodate them. then, i'd feel sad for days if the teacher didn't love me so i had to suck up to them. i can't think of the last time in my life when i wasn't trying (and failing) to be the right person for someone else.

i remember telling my mom that i hated the kids at school but idk if i ever told her why. so she'd always tell me to suck it up and deal with them. she would laugh when i'd express negative emotions or she'd make some comment that made me feel like a monster (she'd frequently tell me she thought i had aspberger's bc i was a "difficult" child. obviously, there's nothing wrong with being neurodivergent but i didn't know that at the time bc all i knew was what she told me)

idk if she ever directly told me she wanted a good child or she wished i was different but i do remember interpreting a lot of her comments as that. there was an episode of the haunting hour, lilly d. that episode always used to make me cry bc the way the mom treated lilly after she got the doll is how i always felt with my mom.

i think all this is the main reason why i can never open up to people, especially not my friends. strangers? that's fine. people that are close to me and that i see face to face? definitely not. every time i tried to tell my parents something, they'd always have an answer (and not a good one) 

"i went a whole day feeling aggravated and sad and i wanted to cry. no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't get happy, or even fake being happy" "oh, that's fine. you're fine. i get that too, it happens."

"i sit alone at lunch and spend recess just standing by the wall or walking around alone." "aw haha"

"i really wish you guys could stop insulting me, it really hurts my feelings." "if you can't handle us, then you can't handle the real world."

(also) "but you guys are worse than everyone else. when they insult me, i don't care. when you guys do it, it gets to me." "haha so funny"

"i'm really not comfortable with you doing [A], [B], or [C]. plz don't do it around me, i don't find it funny." "oh, guess we can't joke around with the snowflake over here. don't say that, snowflake can't handle it."

also, i've never liked the idea of death. i'm pretty sure i've had intrusive thoughts since i was little bc i know i never wanted to die, but when i was alone in my room, i'd get the urge to jump out of the window, slam my head into the metal bars of my bunk bed, force the bookshelf to fall on top of me, sometimes (like twice) i'd even try to "hang" myself (which just ended in me trying to suffocate myself with a belt for a little bit before i'd stop) again, i never wanted to die, i wasn't actively trying to kill myself, that belt thing really only lasted for like three to ten seconds, not very long.

but i just wanted to say that i deal with a lot of intrusive thoughts and what's upsetting it i get them all the time and even though i try to convince myself that they aren't representative of me, sometimes they still get to me and i start freaking out over the idea that i could become the next jeffery dahmer.

anywho, that's all i got. yippee.

5/5/21

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