Second time lucky

21

Riley's pov.

I didn't mean to startle her, but I had overheard her phone call and every part of me was hoping it was her brother or Ava, especially when she said those four words before she hung up.

I love you too.

She used to say that to me and I longed for that time back. The time when I could touch her, kiss her whenever I wanted too. Maybe if I had been more focused on her needs I would have seen the little changes that I had taken for granted. The doctors visits, the nausea, the way she was more emotional than usual. I was an idiot back then, but I didn't need to be one now.

"You ready to talk?" I asked from behind her as she jumped and cradled her head, her hands shaking the way they used to after Carl attacked her and she was scared.

"I'm sorry." She said as I pulled her into my arms. I should have known she still had some lasting side effects of what that psychopath did to her.

"Don't be, just take some deep breaths. You're okay" I told her as I rubbed her back the way I used too.

It felt so good to have her this close to me, to feel her against me and know that I was bringing her comfort. I could smell her sweet perfume as I held her firmly to me and continued to rub those sweet circles she liked around the middle of her lower back.

"Riley?" She said not moving to look at me.

"Mhm."

"Thank you." She replied. I didn't have it in me to tell her that it was just as much for her as it was for me.

Holding her against me was almost like living in a dream. A dream that I knew I had to wake up from. She wasn't mine anymore and no matter how much I still loved her, there was still too much we needed to talk about before I could win her back.

"Come on, let's go talk." I squeezed her tightly, committing the feel of her, the smell of her to memory before I released her and walked towards the living room.

She said something about getting some water before returning and sitting beside me. I didn't miss how she left space between us, as if there was an unspoken danger zone between us, that if crossed would lead to disaster.

"Let me explain from the beginning." She sighed before she began explaining everything from her point of view. How she didn't want me to give up my dreams, how she had forgiven me for ignoring her the first time even. It was what she said next that made me realize just how off base I had been. "When you came to the trial I was going to tell you. I wanted us to get dinner so I could. I knew it was wrong to keep it from you, but I was struggling with the trial, and the pregnancy wasn't the bubbling happy time people make it out to be. I didn't even know it was twins until I was in the hospital."

I twiddled my thumbs and ran my fingers through my hair.

"When you walked in on Kyle and I, we were really just friends. I wanted us to fix things. I was going to wait for you. He had just told me that I needed to tell you before it was too late and then you walked in and I lost you all over again. It destroyed me Riley. I got really depressed, I stopped going out, I didn't eat like I was supposed too. Kyle checked on me everyday, forced me to eat, told me everyday just to text you or leave you a voicemail but I wouldn't listen."

I felt my eyes getting glassy after hearing how much I had hurt her. I never wanted that for her. I wanted her to be happy.

"When the twins were born I was alone. I didn't know how to be a parent and I was exhausted. Everyone helped as much as they could but he could tell I wasn't taking care of myself. He slept on the couch for weeks, making sure I ate, making sure I could sleep. It didn't matter because I still felt alone. Last year he started taking me out, organizing babysitters so I could have time to myself. I want you to be in their life, it's all I ever wanted, but after four years I just assumed that you had moved on." She explained as I wiped my cheek with my hand.

"Britt I never meant to make you feel that way. I messed up badly, but my feelings never changed. I didn't know you were going through all that. I figured if I stayed away it would be easier for you. Then after the trial, hearing you were pregnant and seeing him with you, I thought you were together, I thought you were happy. I didn't know and I didn't want to call and hear you tell me you had moved on. I was in a dark place, drinking a lot, the thought of you moving on killed me. I'm so sorry." I sniffled only to look at he and see her also crying.

"We are both such idiots." She half laughed half coughed.

"So where do we go from here?" I asked as I put my hand on hers and she stiffened.

"Riley." Her voice was tired, deflated, broken. "I can't. I think we should just focus on Connor and Emelia and being parents. I can't hurt him, I love him." She sniffled as my heart broke.

"I understand, but for the record I still feel the same now as I did in high school." I stood up.

"I just .. I think this is best for us, and them. I can't go through that again."

Her words hurt. It was like someone squeezing my heart so tightly that the pain was almost unbearable. I only had myself to blame though. I had done this to her, lost her trust and in the process lost her. I needed to prove I could be what she needed and for now she didn't need a guy.

"Hey," I forced a weak smile. "It's okay, I understand."

"You do?" She looked up through tear filled eyes.

"Yeah. Let's just be friends. I'm not going anywhere this time, and I want to be there for them, I want to be there for you" - the way I should have been, I thought but kept to myself.

"Okay." She sniffled and I couldn't help myself, I pulled her into me again and held her there.

She didn't move or try to pull away so we just sat like that for a while until her breathing slowed and the only sounds were the little whimpering noises she sometimes made when she slept.

Carefully, so I didn't wake her, I slipped out from the couch and laid her head down on the couch pillow. Her hair splayed out as I quietly went upstairs to grab her a blanket.

I was surprised that nothing had really changed much here in four years. There were pictures of the kids on the walls and obviously other kid things scattered around, but everything else was the same as when I left.

I walked into the bedroom, the one we had shared for so many nights before I broke her in the very way I promised her I never would. I wondered if he had been in here, sleeping in the spot where I used to lay.

I pushed the thought to the back of my head as I grabbed the blanket from the bed, catching a glance at a picture of the twins on the nightstand, beside it was the group photo of everyone before prom.

I found myself smiling before I noticed that there was a small photo sitting on her dresser behind her makeup brushes.

It was a picture of us the day I gave her the promise ring, the promise I broke. I wondered if there was a reason she still had it, and whether it was a sign that there was still hope for us.

She looked so happy in that picture, smiling as big and bright as humanly possible as I was sliding it onto her finger on one knee. A perfect day, perfect moment in our lives that I ruined.

I took a breath and walked back downstairs, opening the blanket and putting it over her sleeping body. She was perfect, she always had been and I needed her.

Movement from upstairs caught my attention and soon I was laying on a blanket mattress with Connor on one side of me and Emelia on the other. It was surreal having them cuddled close to me, and yet I also felt overcome with joy.

I held them both tightly under the unicorn blanket as they both fell asleep and my eyes closed. I knew I should leave, but I couldn't bring myself to move, to be away from them. So I slept with the feeling of two warm bodies, my children, cuddled up beside me.