Owen and Knox

43. Baby steps and all will fall into place

Knox POV

I stared at Owen while he slept, after that nightmare I couldn't sleep again. So to let Owen get the rest he needs, I pretended to be asleep so he wouldn't worry about me. The guilt is eating me up because Owen isn't taking care of himself, he's caring for me instead. I love that he wants to take care of me, I love him because he doesn't feel disgusted by me at all, not the way I feel disgusted by myself. If I was Owen I would have left me because I'm used, I'm disgusting and what person wants that.

All these thoughts I have make me feel sick, the way he touched me, the words he said. All of it makes me sick. I could feel the bile rising in my throat, I closed my eyes trying to get rid of the feeling but all I saw was his hands, that smile, the way he moaned and grunted. Before I was sick, I pulled myself away from Owen and ran into his bathroom letting everything out, although it wasn't much since I haven't been eating. But it still managed to come out.

"I've got you, I'm here." Owen rubbed my back and pushed my hair back from my face. It had gotten long from all the time I've stayed in. Soon enough, i was able to sit back and wipe my eyes free of the tears that spilled. Owen flushed the toilet then hugged me tightly. His warm embrace made me feel safe, the only thing that seems to stop me from thinking about that night, is Owen.

"It'll be ok." He kissed the top of my head lovingly as I hugged him against his chest. Sobs left my lips still feeling disgusted with myself, Owen unknown to these feelings. How could he touch me after what, he did?

"H-how?" I whispered, my bottom lip trembling.

"How, what baby? Tell me what's wrong." Owen cuddled me tighter. 

"How can you still touch me? I'm used and disgusting. Why are you still with me?" I sobbed.

"Don't ever say that again. You are not disgusting and I love you so much. What happened doesn't make me love you any less, you didn't have any control over it. Knox nothing will ever make me leave you unless you don't want me anymore. Never call yourself used or disgusting ever again, do you hear me? And I will always want you."

By now I was crying of joy, Owen still wants me. Yet I still don't feel like I deserve him. I don't deserve him because he's so great, anyone would be lucky to have him but he chose me. Me of all people. Nothing will make me not love him, I just don't want to have Owen hate me because of it.

"Please don't hate me." I begged while looking up at him.

"I will never hate you Knox, never." Owen smiled softly. He leaned down and pecked my lips, our first kiss in over a month. It was now that I realised he hasn't kissed me, he hasn't touched me anywhere other than my back when he hugs me. He never lowers them unless it's to undress me for a bath or shower.

"I-I love you, so m-much." I told him pulling him down to kiss me more. Immediately I pulled away remembering why were sat on the floor in the bathroom. "Sorry." My cheeks now heated and red.

"It's ok." Owen chuckled, the best noise I've ever heard. "Do you want to try and go downstairs today? You can try and if you get too nervous you can squeeze my hand twice and I'll bring you back in here."

Did I want to? Yes. Do I want to see my family? Yes. Can I do it? No.

I want nothing more than to see them, everyone, even my mum. She's my mum. But seeing people other than Owen makes me freak out. Tristan once came in with food for me and Owen, as he went to give me the plate, I got a memory of that night. It made me flinch and back away crying. He had to leave the room while Owen calmed me down. Since then no ones been in. Ive heard them laughing downstairs, and I so badly want to join in like I used to. But seeing Xavier and Tristan make me remember him, I haven't really thought of the twins, I've heard them ask about me but I'm not sure what Nevah and Xavier told them.

Nonetheless, I nodded wanting to at least try. Baby steps, and all will fall into place. That's what my mum always says, take it slow because if you go straight in guns blazing nothing good will come out of it, I just have to take it slow.  Now it's just a waiting game for me to get the courage to leave the room.

"You've got this babe. I know you do. We can sit and have breakfast, ok?" Owen stated.

"Ok." I nodded and stood up. I brushed my teeth to get the taste out of my mouth, to which I pulled Owen to me again and kissed him. I wanted to pull away because of him, but to get over your fears you have to face them. Deep down I know I can do this, I know I can see Tristan and Xavier without having a melt down, it's the thoughts that put me off. I know they will never hurt me, I know none of the men in this family will hurt me, but it's because of him that I don't want them around me.

"I can never get enough of you Knox." Owen looked up at me with a smile. Immediately I blushed remembering when he said that. "Ready?" I nodded feeling confident to go and eat.

But I don't know how long I can go without breaking down.

A/N: I am so fucking sorry for the wait. I've been so busy with school I haven't had time to even think about updating, even with other book I'm writing and book I'm adding to. I am really sorry I've left it so long. School has been a bitch and I've been so tired. I promise to try and update as much as I can without having it long periods of time for you to wait. Once again I'm sorry.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, a bit rushed because I just wanted to give you a chapter. Maybe not as good as others but it's something and I kind of like it. Thank you for reading.