𝕒𝕥𝕥𝕒𝕔𝕜 𝕠𝕟 𝕥𝕚𝕥𝕒𝕟。incessant ending ~ 「Levi x reader」

~Chapter 24~

Levi had to speak with Hange, so he left after a bit. I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to be with him forever, make up for lost time. But he is a busy man and has a job to do.

~~

The afternoon passed as I laid alone in the empty room. There was a small window across the room from my bed. Gears and wood squeaked and creaked as the airship flew through the troposphere. The sound was so unfamiliar to me because I had never seen such technology before. Man, they have really improved on technology since I last saw them, I thought. A coolness filled the room as the sun met the horizon. Oranges, pinks, and purples painted the skies as the sun gave its graceful and glorious farewell for the day, introducing a dark, peaceful nighttime. I was still quite scared of the dark, but there was a sense of nostalgia and bliss that came along with it.

Orange rays of the disappearing sun reflected off of the waves and ripples of the salty, ocean water. Every deepening layer of the body of blue liquid below was clear as the waves rolled over each other, crashing and splashing as they collided. Cotton-like clouds glazed over the colorful skies. Birds sang as they flew over the limitless ocean in a perfect, elegant formation. What a peaceful moment this was after such chaos.

Bubbles formed and brimmed over the surface of my eyes as tears streamed down my (s/c)(skin color) cheeks. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I couldn't pretend to be okay, couldn't put on the brave face I always held. Whenever I was alone, this was the outcome. Every emotion I ever bottled up through time turned into another breakdown just to repeat the cycle — holding in my emotions until it's too much to take. I grabbed onto my head and curled my fingers tightly into my (h/c) hair.

Why am I so useless? Why can't I just grow the fuck up and do something for once in my useless goddamn life? Why can't I just do something right? Why can't I save and protect my loved ones - the people I swore to myself that I would. Here comes that soul-crushing feeling again, the feeling of guilt and absolute failure. The guilt bubbles over and leaves me in a lonely, isolated mess with this overwhelming feeling of shame and despair for forgiveness. But do I even deserve forgiveness? When I get this feeling, I lock myself away, silently cry until my eyes burn, and then lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling numbly.

I put my hand tightly over my mouth to suppress my quiet whimpers. The room became blurry and foggy as thick tears filled my eyes. It dripped off my cheeks and landed on the blanket that laid overtop my legs. Why am I so weak?...

~~

When I was done crying, I laid on my bed, uncovered by the blanket, staring into an endless, invisible abyss of nothingness. My brain was scattered and lost. All of a sudden, I heard a knock on my door before someone came in. I looked over and saw Levi walking over to the bed. "I'm so tired from all these brats pestering m- were you crying?" He asked, worry visible in his eyes.

"No! I wasn't crying. I'm fine! Everything's fine!" I began frantically wiping the leftover drying tears from my face.

"Don't lie to me."

"I said I'm fine!... I wasn't crying... it's just... allergies."

"It's wintertime... how would you have allergies?"

"Uh- I'm allergic to... snow?"

"There's no snow. Were overseas and inside an airship."

"Fine. I got dust in my eyes."

"I do agree that this room is utterly filthy. I guess I'll just have to clean this pigsty myself since no one else is capable. But I know that's not the reason. You're crying. Stop denying it."

"I just-... I'm fine."

"Y/N."

"I feel so lost and at fault and guilty and disgusting and useless," I laid back against the headboard of my bed. "Everything seemed to be fine when I left. And now that I'm back, everything's gone to hell again. Am I cursed?"