Dreamland Review Archive

Einia (T)

Einia

ericson119

Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

I immediately liked your cover. However, as always, there are places to improve. I think you can increase the interest of your cover. For one, try thinking of a subtitle to add or consider putting your pen name on the cover. This gives people more to look at and gauge. As for subtitles, maybe 'that day was annihilation' or something like that? Just to spice it up. However, I like the picture and the font. But I would recommend going to my reading list and checking out some of the cover shops there. You can ask for the same picture, even.

I didn't understand your title when I looked at just the initial impression, because nothing in your blurb says anything about Einia. I think this could be considered a bad move. Mysterious titles are good, but it's nice to know something about your title or connect it somehow to your story. After reading a couple chapters of your story, I am equally confused. What is Einia? I might've somehow missed it?

As for your blub, I don't recommend keeping that disclaimer at the top. I actually would suggest taking it out as a whole. People are less likely to read your book with that disclaimer, especially considering it's the first thing they see. Your editing is not that bad. You don't need that there, in my opinion. I'd take it out or at least put it at the bottom. As for the content of your blurb, I think you have the right info in the wrong order. Below, I've cleaned up the blurb as well as restructured it and took out info that I found didn't need to be in there:

That day was Annihilation.

With the arrival of a doomed meteorite into the Somerit Sea–the vast and barren ocean in the centre of three continents–came forth a disastrous roar of energy and untamed chaos that plunged the world into obscure anarchy.

With it befell tidal waves, hurricanes, tornadoes and other catastrophic weather.

But natural disasters were not the only issue.

The meteorite granted people unworldly abilities. Those who could not endure the meteorite's energy died or were mutated in a mass massacre known by the foreboding name, Brightshades.

That day was Annihilation.

So here I've dramatically shortened and tried to clean up your blurb. I also added that repetition from beginning to end, but I think you should add in your title somehow in there. This is just a suggestion. You're welcome to use exactly this or edit it in any way you feel. You can of course keep your original blurb, but I'd recommend restructuring it.

9/15

Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)

As for grammar, I was impressed with most of your ability to string together easy sentences. However, you have a problem with unnecessary commas. Example one, from chapter one (Genesis):

'The only thing that fills the space, is a wide, rusty table in the middle of the room with two metal chairs on each side.'

That first comma shouldn't be in there (in between 'space' and 'is'. It clunks up the writing and it is dependant, so no comma is needed.

And example two, also from chapter one (Genesis):

'She sits down, and comfortably puts one leg over the other.'

So in each clause, you need a subject and verb to make it independent, and therefore so you can put a comma before a conjunction such as 'and'. Look at the second part of that sentence: it has the verb (the action), but it has no subject (the person you are talking about), as it is dependant on the first part of the sentence to recognize the subject, 'she'. You have two options to correct this. Option one, take out the comma: