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Pen Your Pride

Track 08: End Up Here

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My hands trembled as I turned to lock the door behind me, feeling like if I walked out of this bathroom, I would explode. The space isn't wide enough, but it felt so huge for me to keep pacing back and forth. I loosened the button of my polo, making me breathe enough as I feel suffocated with everything. I could feel could droplets of perspiration running down from my forehead, and from the back of my neck. I turned to face the mirror, and I think I have never been this pale and tensed in my entire existence. I look extremely nervous, and obviously anxious about everything. I turned on the faucet and wet my shaking hands, and started washing my face. I know I'm getting myself wet, even my clothes, but I couldn't care about it, nor anything, aside from all the worrying thoughts I have inside my head.

I turned to face myself on the mirror again, and stared there for heaven knows how long. I can feel the pressure in my chest as I breathe heavily, and it's starting to hurt as I catch my breath. God damn it, I thought to myself. I have never felt so scared like this before. I know I used to be a wimp, but I fought it over, didn't I? I coped up when she came into my life. I worked way too hard to help myself about me before being like this, and now I'm on the verge of giving up? Why am I being such a wimp?

Three fast knocks suddenly came from the door, taking me back to my senses. I felt my stomach drop, my heart beating uneven. I stared towards it, not even wanting to open it up. I feel so scared when I don't even have any reasons to be. Or maybe there is, right? Because nothing happens without a reason.

"Hey Cal," the person behind the door started speaking. "It's Ashton, open up."

I felt the need to open the door for him, and so I did. The moment he saw me, worry flashed through his eyes. I looked down and rubbed my temples.

"You're on in 30 minutes, man. What's going on?" Ashton asked, closing the door behind him.

"I just- I don't know Ash. I feel like," I paused, then sighed. "I don't know if I can do this."

"Are you confused?" He asked, a hint of a joke behind his tone. It sounded serious anyway so I am taking it seriously.

"No, I just- I'm scared." I muttered.

Ashton furrowed his eyebrows, looking right at me. "About what?"

"About me. I'm just- me."

I hated pulling myself down, because I know it doesn't help in any way. I lowered my head down, my elbows resting on my knees. I can still feel my insides shaking, and I don't know why I can't manage to stop them from trembling.

"Think." Ashton started speaking again.

I turned my head up a bit to look at him. "Think of what?"

He stood up and began making his way out of the bathroom, then turned to look at me again.

"Think of all the things you've been through then think if you should give up now."

After those words rolled out his mouth, he closed the door behind me and left me all alone by myself once more.

I didn't have to think, because I can still remember it all too well.

*7 years ago*

I wasn't even sure if this was a good idea but I said yes to it anyway. My back is pressed against the wall, with a cold beer resting on my hands, and my tired eyes watching every dancing drunk people around me. My best friend, Ashton, didn't want to come with me because he's never really into parties. Aside from that, he probably prefers spending every free time he could get to catch up with his girlfriend Angel. They've been together for almost two years now, and in my entire life I have always known how much he wanted to end up with her. Ashton's a nice good guy and I think they're both the perfect one for each other so I'm not really against about anything with them. I just wish he could just hang out with me to just loosen up a little bit.

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