𝗬𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗦𝗼 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗹𝘆 | 𝑇𝑆𝑉 𝐹𝐹

5 | Brett's Letter.

Morals have changed so much. Women can no longer express themselves without getting made fun of and they can't dress they way they want because men are such jerks. The representation of men— has become so toxic that even when I was twelve, I vowed to not become a man like so many others who only know how to disrespect. I vowed to never make anyone hurt or suffer.

Hence why I made myself suffer rather than others.

You see.. it started off as a game to see how far I could go without eating.

It started when I entered middle school. My stomach always acted so wonky during the morning that I had no choice but to skip the most important meal of the day and go hungry because I could no longer swallow food the way I used to. I figured it was simply because I was growing as a fish and fish do not eat the same as humans do. So skipping breakfast turned to also skipping lunch. We didn't know each other at the time, so I'd just watch you drink your chocolate milk from afar and wonder how you could do it so easily, I wished I could be more like you because I loved you. Maybe not at the time, a twelve your old doesn't know how to love someone else the way I do now, but I did have a liking toward you.

I tried to eat more, but I could only get sick to the thought of shoving things down my throat. Skipping breakfast and lunch turned to not eating in the whole day. Then that turned to not eating in a whole week, and then I stopped eating completely. I only ate what I deemed to be the diet of a fish, but I also couldn't bear eating my fellow fish friends that lied dead in the supermarket.

Humans can be so horrid sometimes, don't you think? Animals live such important lives just like us yet we take that life away simply to feed ourselves. Why can't we leave them alone and go for plants instead? They don't plead to stay alive with all their might, they deserve to live just like anyone else on this destructive planet!

I didn't eat because I didn't want to hurt the animals. I didn't eat because I was a fish. I didn't eat because I wanted to look lovely for you. Of course, to keep you from worrying, I ate the minimal things like bubble tea and then I found myself hunched over the toilet spilling it all out.

And I enjoyed it.

I loved the feeling of being hungry, I loved the pain that came from the aching in my abdomen, I loved the emptiness I felt, it was a bit addicting if I'm going to be honest.

Eating was no longer a necessity of mine, it was no longer a priority. There were more important things to focus on than a meal, like playing the violin, or fixing myself, and you as well, you were always and continue to be my number one. I don't want to waste time eating, imagine all the things I could do during those thirty minutes?

I almost got away with it, until my Mum found the small bags of food hidden in my room when it started to get particularly smelly. Watching her cry over something I was doing made me feel dizzy, and for the first time in a while, I had begun to feel guilt to what I was doing to myself. I was able to push to feeling away, until I also watched you cry on my chest while begging me to eat. I didn't want to see you cry like that ever again, I don't want you to be sad over me, I'd never want that for you.

So I ate all I could, I ate the berries you brought me, and to be fair, I had forgotten how sweet blueberries could be, I had forgotten how delicious strawberries were. Yet no matter how hard I sat on my hands and tried to focus my head on other things, I was in the bathroom no less than two hours later when you had since fallen asleep, getting rid of it all.

Things started becoming even more intense.

The sirens in my head wailed to go home, getting louder every single day and not giving me peace of mind, and I started to see things that I was sure no one else was seeing. The voices coming from the corners of the room wouldn't allow me to sleep, I was worried that I was going to lose you, Eddy.