Cigarette Burns - Sirius Black

Ch 20: Apologies That Go Further Than I'm Sorry

Sitting in her room allowing tears to crash on the floor Morrigan lit another cigarette. Her nails were singed black from holding the lighter improperly and for far too long, not that she had noticed, her heart taking the brunt of the pain. She knew that she was wrong for using Sirius's past to aggravate her mum, but she also knew that Sirius had no right to accuse her of cheating on him. It caused her to wonder what he actually thought of her after the past year. If she had not proven her loyalty to him, that what she thought was joking flirting was really causing him to be jealous. As her mind reeled she took a long drag, hoping that the nicotine that infected her veins would numb some of the pain. 

A knock on the door distracted her briefly but she chose to ignore it, deciding to continue staring at the wall until the wallpaper peeled off once more. Perhaps it would be a better way to pass the time, if she had not gotten involved with Sirius where would she be now? Surely she would be staying elsewhere, allowed to go out. Maybe she would be abroad, living in a foreign country drinking wine on terraces and meeting new people. The ideas had crossed her mind briefly, but as quickly as they came she couldn't imagine wanting to be anywhere else than the grimy house she had been residing in. 

Another knock sounded. A sigh escaped her lips but she ignored it once more. Sadness began turning into anger and frustration. Wondering why he dared to assume that she would do something as horrible as cheat on him. By her reputation she was one of the most fiercely loyal people you could meet, yet there he was at the bottom of the stairs accusing her of being with not only one but two different people. Feeling guilty about discussing pillow colors was not something Morrigan ever expected to experience. Yet more tears arrived, she felt good enjoying another person's company for an afternoon, purely platonic, not knowing if she would ever see him again, yet she helped. It was a feeling she craved, helping a stranger and knowing she wouldn't get anything in return. The high that came from charitable behaviour that made her feel like royalty. Her name on the lips of people as they discussed the kind girl who took time to help them. It was a selfish reason, yes, but something that she kept for herself.

Knocking for the third time. 

Sirius stood outside the door wondering if he should either barge in or leave her be. On one hand she was quite drunk when she got back, she could be passed out in bed, or choking on her own vomit. He had upset her, purposely hurt her so that he wouldn't be as crushed when she hurt him. However, upon listening to his best friend explain what her side could be, he realized that he had only added fuel to fire. Knowing the little things about Morrigan, Sirius knew she wouldn't just run off and sleep with someone else out of spite, especially from an argument. She was too afraid of abandonment to jeopardize a long term relationship for a quick fuck. However, in a fit of anger his accusations came easy, as if he was lifting up a shield to protect himself from whatever pain Morrigan could throw his way. 

Four times he had rapped on her door. Hoping to hear anything, the squeak of the floorboards, the bed creaking slightly from the word down wood, maybe even a cough or sniffle to know that she was okay in there. Silence remained though. 

Not knowing if she was potentially dying he opened the door slowly seeing Morrigan sat up on the bed her back to him with large clouds of smoke surrounding her, hanging in the air and creating a haze in the poorly ventilated room. 

"I'm sorry," Sirius said his voice gentle, "I'm so sorry Morrigan, I don't know what came over me. I should never have accused you of cheating on me. It was wrong to blow up on you without hearing the full story and it was wrong to purposely lash out at you I-" 

"Sirius," Morrigan sniffled taking her left hand and wiping some of the tears from her cheeks, "Why would you think I would ever do something so awful to you?"