Doubt and Relief

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Sometimes, when I lay in the dark, flashbacks overtake my mind. I can't do anything to stop them. I just let them come and go and ride the waves of pain.
"I still doubt." I read the message in confusion. What was he on about now? His next message clarified that and almost made me want to cry. "No matter what you say or do. Sometimes I wonder if you truly love me, and you don't just feel something similar." It made me give a sad smile. How could he not see how amazing he was? Why didn't he understand why I loved him?
In the end, I guess it didn't matter. I guess my love wasn't enough. I ended up an empty shell, and dull eyes looked through our old messages, trying to find what I'd done wrong. Where did things go wrong? What did I say? What made him do this to me? Why couldn't he have just left?
'I don't understand,' I typed. I would never send this. I don't think I could bear it if he replied. 'What the hell did I do to you? Why would you break me like that? Why couldn't you.... WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST LEFT ME? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO YOU TO DESERVE THIS UTTER HELL?! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I COULD OFFER, AND YOU STILL FUCKING KICKED ME TO THE CURB. YOU....' I stopped typing and wiped away the tears that blurred my vision. But strangely, I felt better. So I kept typing. I typed and ranted until much of the weight I had been carrying had vanished from my tired heart. Once I was finally satisfied, I ended it with, "I'm not looking for an apology or words of condolence. And I'm not giving you another chance. You should know that I'm not who I used to be, thanks to you. I'll never be the same again. You have broken me. But.... I never stopped loving you. And I never will. Goodbye." And then I pressed send, and for the life of me, I felt better. I felt at peace for the first time in weeks.
And I started improving. I focused on my studies and rebuilding lost relationships with my friends. Sure, there were days and nights when I was wracked with pain and memories, but those days slowly became fewer and farther in between. I even started slowly talking to him again. I patched things up with my best friend and eventually forgave them. That took a long time and a lot of effort on my part, but I managed it, and I slowly became whole again.

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