chapter 41 - I'd rather put on a film with you and sit on the couch.

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I'm being made to sit and sob quietly in the waiting room.

The cold dark waiting room. Which is blue actually, quite a nice shade. But I can't help crying; there's a little girl and her daddy sitting across from me and the little girl keeps smiling at me. And I try my best to smile back but I just can't.

And soon enough she's walking over to me.

"Rachel!" Her dad calls her but she sits next to me on the chair, completely blanking her dad.

"Hi," she says.

"Hello," her dad watches us as she smiles at me cutely, missing her two front teeth.

"Are you sad?" She asks me and I wipe away another tear that falls from my eye.

"Yes.. I'm very sad right now.. how are you?" I ask her and she shakes her head.

"I'm waiting to see my new little brother!" She says excitedly and then stares back at me with wide bright green eyes.. kinda like Harry's, "what made you sad sir?" She's a polite little thing.

"My.. boyfriend has been very poorly and.." I begin to cry again, but there's a rather convenient box of tissues and 'Rachel' grabs me one, handing it to me, I cry because Harry isn't mine. But she doesn't know that but I want Harry to be mine again.

"You have a boyfriend?" She asks curiously.

"Yeah, I have a boyfriend. Some boys like boys and some girls like girls, and some people, like me, like both!" I explain gently and see her dad smiling at us from the corner of my eye.

"I have two daddies," she explains to me and it honestly lights up my dull heart for a split second, she's really cute.

"Where's your other daddy?" I ask and she shrugs.

"He say he went out to get things for my new little brother.. me and papa are here to come and get him. Because boys can't have babies," this kid is really cute and soon enough, but too soon for me, her papa and her are being called to go see the new born baby boy.

"Bye bye man! I hope your boyfriend gets better," she leans over and kisses my cheek leaving me a sobbing smiling mess.

"Thanks.. I hope your new baby brother loves you just as much as you love him." She smiles at me before toddling off with her papa, hand in hand smiling happily.

As I watch her leave my eyes fill with tears again.

My poor baby is dying.. he's actually dying and it's all my fault.

I'm still waiting for them to tell me I can go see him. Because I want nothing more than to hold him.

"Niall Horan," I'm on my feet and wiping at my eyes faster than lightning if I'm honest.

"Yeah? Is he a-alright? Can I see him? Is he ok? Please tell m-me he's ok!" I sob uncontrollably and the nurse pats my shoulder.

"He's not really ok."

"I knew it.. he's gonna die isn't he?! Oh my God what have I done?!"

"Mr.Horan.. if you would please listen," I nod and she smiles, "he's gonna be just alright though. He needs plenty of rest to let his body heal a little before he can wake up naturally, due to the machines he's hooked on to, helping the bad medicine slowly evacuate his system, but yes.. you can come see him. The sight may make you feel horrible but there's nothing more we can do.. only time can tell us how he is." I nod and try to prepare myself for the sight of Harry.

I follow her down the hallway to the furthest room away.

I take a deep breath as she opens the door and walks inside.

I take another feel breath and follow behind her.

My heart stops at the sight of Harry, his pulse meter beating slowly and his body practically skin and bones.

There's a chair next to him that looks as if it was put there for me, because I'm not leaving this place until he wakes up.

I walk to the chair and sit next to him taking his cold hand in mine.

"It could be minutes, hours, days, weeks.. or even at the worse, a month until he wakes up.. due to the amount of sleeping pills he consumed. We are not certain," she gives me an apologetic look but it's all my fault, no one but me should feel bad about this.

"C-can.. can I please be alone with him?" I wonder and she nods understandably as I start to cry again. He's not ok! He never was and I made it ever worse for him! Stupid fucking Niall.

"Harry... I'm so so sorry. I wish I had gotten to your house faster, I really do, it's my fault.. you are like.. this..I'm so sorry baby, I love you," I cry silently and gently stroke over his cold skin on his hand, it's pale and he's skinny as hell to be honest.

"I wish I could of saved you quicker.. I can't wait for to to wake up, I'm gonna apologise so fast and I just.. I-I wanna be the first person you see.." I hesitate with my thoughts but my actions take over as I carefully move Harry up and sit next to him, carefully pulling him on to my chest, I know he likes to listen to my heart beat. So I hope he can hear it. He just lays here. So still, kinda like when he used to sleep on me at night. And he'd always search for my warmth if we separated through the night, but we hardly would, we were always together, hand in hand. He would always kiss my neck sometimes just to say he was going to sleep, and I'd just rub his back, as he slowly fell asleep.

The day is slowly coming to an end, I can see it through the small window in here, I look down at Harry and take in how defined his jawline is now.. it's not hot or perfect it's awful. Awful that I've done this to him.

We used to have fun.. spend most days cuddling watching the sun set in the garden and then we'd make sweet love before falling to sleep together.

What if he wakes up and pushes me away?

"Mr.Horan?" The nurse comes in and looks at me with a slight smile, "well.. are you going to leave?" She asks in a kind way.

"Can I-I stay with him? Please," I practically beg, but she nods and smiles, I turn the little lamp on next to me on the bedside table and she turns off the big light, "Thank you."

"You're welcome.. I can see he means a great deal to you," she smiles kindly and leaves shutting the door behind her.

He means more than just a great deal, he's my life.

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