I know you're probably expecting a phone call. I know you want to hear my voice. I know I want to hear your's. It's probably the only thing that would comfort me.
When you receive this it will probably be my birthday. Maybe you're curled up on your bed with my birthday cake baking in the oven. I bet it's vanilla with strawberry filling, right? I can picture you in the yellow party dress we picked out together, your blonde hair curled, your lips painted red.
I can guess you're smiling, but also wary. I want you to know I love you. Anything I have done since I met you and anything I will do from here on will ultimately be for you. I know it may sound cliche, and I know how against those you are, but you're my light in the darkness. You know that, right? You're what has kept me going.
Remember those plans we came up with when I took you to the beach for your birthday? The ones where we would somehow--someday--move to Venice and open up a pizza parlor? Your face shown like the moon as you spoke and grew more and more excited. I love that about you, you know? When you talk about something you love your face lights up. It's contagious to all around you.
Maybe that's why--never mind. Forgive me, I let my mind trail. It's hard not to do these days.
Maybe you've already figured it out. Then again maybe you have not. I won't be with you for my birthday, love. I want nothing more than to be with you, seeing your bright green eyes shine with love. I know how much work you've put into this. Believe me, I do.
Don't hate me.
It would kill me.
Truly, it would.
But I cannot make it. I would if I could.
I can hear the music we were going to dance to tonight. Would you laugh if I said I've been practicing, or at least imagining you were here with me dancing? You're marvelous at it, and I don't know how you ever put up with me. But I like to think I'm getting the hang of it.
You're probably wondering why I'm not calling. It isn't that I am a coward. But I am not able to call you. I'd call you in a heart beat if I could.
Please don't worry yourself for my sake.
I did something that people believe is wrong, but I assure you it was far from it. But I'm a fugitive now. And because of that, people will come for you. They'll be cruel to you because they'll think you were a part of what happened. It is for this reason I can no longer see you. It's the only way to protect you, my dear. I cannot ask you to continue to be mine, yet at the same time I cannot consider this a break up, because I cannot tear you from my heart. But you must move on from me. It's only fair to you.
So this is goodbye.
I will always love you. I will always think of you. And what ever happens, I will always protect you.
With all my love, I am yours.
And maybe, just maybe, you could eat a slice of cake for me.